5 Years
I debated how to write this year's letter.
First, I thought I might cut it like a wrestling promo. Start quietly and say what happened throughout the year, unleash some rage and yelling, and finish with promises of a future victory.
Next, I thought maybe I would write the letter I thought I would be writing when I left off last year, but that wouldn't be right to do to some others and I probably couldn't handle it myself.
Then I thought that I'd just write the same way I do every year with a recap of the year and a look to the future. But I don't have it in me to look back on this year in any kind of detail. Instead I'm just going to mention a few things, let you know where I'm at mentally and be on my way.
4 people died. 2 of them were close and 1 of those 2 went far too early.
I had love but I lost that along the way.
I don't sleep much but that's just as well because if I sleep too long I dream. I dream dreams that can't come true. The same ones over and over. It's worse than having nightmares.
Most days feel like the last scene in Gladiator, a rigged battle where my best hope is that I can fight perfectly to get a draw. There aren't wins anymore.
I'm angry, or jealous, or sad most of the time. I don't feel bad about having the emotions themselves, but I try to not blame others for them.
I haven't been a good friend in a long time. I have left people I care about on their own a lot when they've needed me.
I don't believe in anything anymore. I wasn't exactly a positive guy, but I always had faith that good would beat evil and love could win out in the end. I don't really believe that anymore. I miss that innocence.
JM talks about retiring and I'm already on board. He talks about saying fuck it and just cashing out everything in our lives and getting a place where we can do what we used to do when we were happy in the simpler times. Since I don't see the big happy ending happening anymore, I crave it too.
I used to measure the years without you in terms of if they were worth it or not. If enough good things happened to the people in my life or to myself, I would say the year was worth enduring. Like if someone got married, or if someone had a child, or if someone got engaged, even if things sucked for me I'd say it was a good year. This year was one where I would turn it back to last year in a second. I hope no one ever asks how much I'd give up to make this year not have happened. Even I'm scared of the answer. This is the first year I can't make a case for since the first one after you died. People have had children, gotten engaged, and gotten married and even if all of them came in front of me and begged me not to erase 2007, I know in my heart that I still would. Selfish, I know, but I would.
I'm running tomorrow, shin splints and all. One of those improbable things that I've been hoping would change the way I feel about the world. I'll be running with you in my heart and far too many things on my mind. First and foremost of them is the one thing I haven't been able to shake even in 10 months…
"It should've been me"
The only thing I still believe...
First, I thought I might cut it like a wrestling promo. Start quietly and say what happened throughout the year, unleash some rage and yelling, and finish with promises of a future victory.
Next, I thought maybe I would write the letter I thought I would be writing when I left off last year, but that wouldn't be right to do to some others and I probably couldn't handle it myself.
Then I thought that I'd just write the same way I do every year with a recap of the year and a look to the future. But I don't have it in me to look back on this year in any kind of detail. Instead I'm just going to mention a few things, let you know where I'm at mentally and be on my way.
4 people died. 2 of them were close and 1 of those 2 went far too early.
I had love but I lost that along the way.
I don't sleep much but that's just as well because if I sleep too long I dream. I dream dreams that can't come true. The same ones over and over. It's worse than having nightmares.
Most days feel like the last scene in Gladiator, a rigged battle where my best hope is that I can fight perfectly to get a draw. There aren't wins anymore.
I'm angry, or jealous, or sad most of the time. I don't feel bad about having the emotions themselves, but I try to not blame others for them.
I haven't been a good friend in a long time. I have left people I care about on their own a lot when they've needed me.
I don't believe in anything anymore. I wasn't exactly a positive guy, but I always had faith that good would beat evil and love could win out in the end. I don't really believe that anymore. I miss that innocence.
JM talks about retiring and I'm already on board. He talks about saying fuck it and just cashing out everything in our lives and getting a place where we can do what we used to do when we were happy in the simpler times. Since I don't see the big happy ending happening anymore, I crave it too.
I used to measure the years without you in terms of if they were worth it or not. If enough good things happened to the people in my life or to myself, I would say the year was worth enduring. Like if someone got married, or if someone had a child, or if someone got engaged, even if things sucked for me I'd say it was a good year. This year was one where I would turn it back to last year in a second. I hope no one ever asks how much I'd give up to make this year not have happened. Even I'm scared of the answer. This is the first year I can't make a case for since the first one after you died. People have had children, gotten engaged, and gotten married and even if all of them came in front of me and begged me not to erase 2007, I know in my heart that I still would. Selfish, I know, but I would.
I'm running tomorrow, shin splints and all. One of those improbable things that I've been hoping would change the way I feel about the world. I'll be running with you in my heart and far too many things on my mind. First and foremost of them is the one thing I haven't been able to shake even in 10 months…
"It should've been me"
The only thing I still believe...