now that I've had some time to think about it...
...here are some thoughts I have about what happened last night:
1. I lied. I lied to my girlfriend and I lied to myself about being interested in guys. I didn't want it to be true, because I knew that I love her and care about her. She is incredibly insecure, and I know that me being with a guy would be the ultimate rejection for her. I knew she'd interpret my interest in guys as a thinly-veiled excuse to reject her, and I didn't want to hurt her.
2. There were also some things that didn't make sense to me, so I assumed they invalidated my interest without thinking about them really deeply. I knew, for example, that when I had masturbated while thinking about guys, the fantasy went away afterwards. So I figured that meant my interest in them was only passing. I figured that once I started transitioning, this stuff wouldn't be much of a problem anymore and I'd be more comfortable.
3. Our relationship dynamic was totally screwed up. We both care about each other, but we were both basically the insecure girl in need of constant reassurance. Originally, I thought this would go away once she dealt with her issues in therapy and I started transitioning. In the last week or so, I've realized that it's just too much to communicate with her in this way without one of us getting upset. We're both miserable.
4. She has said to me several times that I'm not her type has expressed desires for someone more confident and older. I didn't take that well at all before, and I think I made her feel really bad and forced her out of saying how she felt in the long term. I know she loves me, but she has to have known that this wasn't going to work out in the long term, at least not with things as they currently are. I think because she's so insecure and afraid of rejection and also afraid of making me upset that she's not thinking about what will be best for both of us.
5. I did say I wanted to be with her forever, and I did mean it. I said it from the perspective of the old, miserable me who wanted to be secure and accepted so badly. I knew that I love her and felt comfortable around her. The new me, or the actual me, isn't sd insecure. I know this sounds horribly cold, but I don't think that was representative of me when I said that. I think she's an amazing person and I want to be at least her friend forever, but I know she's going to be royally pissed at me so I don't know if that will be possible. And I fucked up really bad, so I can understand why.
6. What made me consider the whole guy thing in the first place is a few days ago when she flat out said she wanted to break up and then took it back quickly afterwards. That led me to believe that she probably wasn't happy either but didn't want to hurt my feelings or be rejected herself.
7. The above led me to consider why I was so enamored with the idea of being with a guy in the first place. Why did I think I was gay for a brief period of time, and why, upon first discovering I was transgendered, did I almost immediately say that I was probably going to be more interested in dating guys as a girl? I thought it was just a selfish feeling to validate being a girl myself. In the last few days, I realized that if it were just a selfish, shallow feeling, I wouldn't feel anywhere near consumed by it or had as much deep-seated guilt about it as I do. I'm starting to accept it, and I already feel a lot better about myself.
8. I'm going to have a damn hard time communicating this stuff to her and make her believe any of it. I don't think she's ever going to trust me again. And she's going to carry this with her forever - that she got "dumped" by an ugly, insecure guy who wanted to be a girl. I don't know if she's even going to accept that I'm really transgendered. She's just going to think it's something about her that made me want to leave and brainwash myself into thinking I'm a girl. But it doesn't have anything to do with her. We're both miserable, she needs someone else, I need someone else. We care about each other deeply, but we're not right to be in a relationship with each other. I don't know how to get her to see that.
9. I'm really worried about her and I'm worried that this is going to destroy her. That's why I felt so guilty about even thinking about any of this guy stuff in the first place. I just want to see her happy, and I know this is going to hurt her an incredible amount. But I can't lie anymore, to myself or her. It's just not right. If she can get over this eventually and work through her issues, I know she'll be a lot happier. I still care about her and I love her at a level deeper than just as a friend. We understand each other really well and have a lot in common, and I don't want to lose that. I just want to see her happy and help her find happiness, because I'm tired of seeing her miserable.
She may refuse to talk to me for awhile and then tell me I'm a horrible liar and inhuman and I'm never going to be happy. She'll might consult her friend and tell me that he says I'm fucked up, and then talk to her psychologist mom and tell me that she says I'm not really transgendered and I have commitment problems. I can understand why she would do that and think she has the right to. But I don't know what else to do. I know the truth, for the first time, and I only hope she can accept this soon.
1. I lied. I lied to my girlfriend and I lied to myself about being interested in guys. I didn't want it to be true, because I knew that I love her and care about her. She is incredibly insecure, and I know that me being with a guy would be the ultimate rejection for her. I knew she'd interpret my interest in guys as a thinly-veiled excuse to reject her, and I didn't want to hurt her.
2. There were also some things that didn't make sense to me, so I assumed they invalidated my interest without thinking about them really deeply. I knew, for example, that when I had masturbated while thinking about guys, the fantasy went away afterwards. So I figured that meant my interest in them was only passing. I figured that once I started transitioning, this stuff wouldn't be much of a problem anymore and I'd be more comfortable.
3. Our relationship dynamic was totally screwed up. We both care about each other, but we were both basically the insecure girl in need of constant reassurance. Originally, I thought this would go away once she dealt with her issues in therapy and I started transitioning. In the last week or so, I've realized that it's just too much to communicate with her in this way without one of us getting upset. We're both miserable.
4. She has said to me several times that I'm not her type has expressed desires for someone more confident and older. I didn't take that well at all before, and I think I made her feel really bad and forced her out of saying how she felt in the long term. I know she loves me, but she has to have known that this wasn't going to work out in the long term, at least not with things as they currently are. I think because she's so insecure and afraid of rejection and also afraid of making me upset that she's not thinking about what will be best for both of us.
5. I did say I wanted to be with her forever, and I did mean it. I said it from the perspective of the old, miserable me who wanted to be secure and accepted so badly. I knew that I love her and felt comfortable around her. The new me, or the actual me, isn't sd insecure. I know this sounds horribly cold, but I don't think that was representative of me when I said that. I think she's an amazing person and I want to be at least her friend forever, but I know she's going to be royally pissed at me so I don't know if that will be possible. And I fucked up really bad, so I can understand why.
6. What made me consider the whole guy thing in the first place is a few days ago when she flat out said she wanted to break up and then took it back quickly afterwards. That led me to believe that she probably wasn't happy either but didn't want to hurt my feelings or be rejected herself.
7. The above led me to consider why I was so enamored with the idea of being with a guy in the first place. Why did I think I was gay for a brief period of time, and why, upon first discovering I was transgendered, did I almost immediately say that I was probably going to be more interested in dating guys as a girl? I thought it was just a selfish feeling to validate being a girl myself. In the last few days, I realized that if it were just a selfish, shallow feeling, I wouldn't feel anywhere near consumed by it or had as much deep-seated guilt about it as I do. I'm starting to accept it, and I already feel a lot better about myself.
8. I'm going to have a damn hard time communicating this stuff to her and make her believe any of it. I don't think she's ever going to trust me again. And she's going to carry this with her forever - that she got "dumped" by an ugly, insecure guy who wanted to be a girl. I don't know if she's even going to accept that I'm really transgendered. She's just going to think it's something about her that made me want to leave and brainwash myself into thinking I'm a girl. But it doesn't have anything to do with her. We're both miserable, she needs someone else, I need someone else. We care about each other deeply, but we're not right to be in a relationship with each other. I don't know how to get her to see that.
9. I'm really worried about her and I'm worried that this is going to destroy her. That's why I felt so guilty about even thinking about any of this guy stuff in the first place. I just want to see her happy, and I know this is going to hurt her an incredible amount. But I can't lie anymore, to myself or her. It's just not right. If she can get over this eventually and work through her issues, I know she'll be a lot happier. I still care about her and I love her at a level deeper than just as a friend. We understand each other really well and have a lot in common, and I don't want to lose that. I just want to see her happy and help her find happiness, because I'm tired of seeing her miserable.
She may refuse to talk to me for awhile and then tell me I'm a horrible liar and inhuman and I'm never going to be happy. She'll might consult her friend and tell me that he says I'm fucked up, and then talk to her psychologist mom and tell me that she says I'm not really transgendered and I have commitment problems. I can understand why she would do that and think she has the right to. But I don't know what else to do. I know the truth, for the first time, and I only hope she can accept this soon.