(no subject)

[erfoverall]

Pretence(i have been writing for a while and i was just thinking of posting some of my thoughts here for some outside view, even tho most of the questions i ask i am only asking myself because this state of paranoid philosophy that i have been thinking of makes me) We are animals, does that mean that we are just making this mating prosses something alot more complecated then needed? if so then why does all this matter at all? why would i be writing to see what people think? why would i not just go with the most stable intelligent attractive mate? Personaly i think it might be because of my abandoment issue. Because my brain fucked me over for a long time. Not being able to trust people, not being able to have true connections. Maybe i'm just going insane. I wish i could just forget about it but my mind keeps coming back to these same questions about existance. We make it easy by stating there is a god to watch over you. That there are spirits and things that are guiding you. That there is something to watch your back that you dont control. But there is no way to prove eather side at this day in age. No tool to use, no proof to say not. Why does this make me feel like nouthing? If i am equal as everyone else and all im doing is trying to find a mate, provide food, water and shelter for my young. then why do i enjoy things that dont envolve other people? To progress my own appeal? Has my mind been warped by this outlook on everything that has been portrayed to me my whole life? i hope one day i will find out im wrong. Dead wrong. Maybe its just the mind set i'm in.
Sorry about that but i need some sort of insight. some way to have a feeling that everything in my life isnt a lie or illustion or twist of what it once was. Please ignore the typos and grammer errors =D