test stories for news syndication software
{Test: Economy "On The Way To Destruction" by QT4 2101, says Cats}
In a press briefing on Tuesday, former Minispend finance minister Alan
"Cats" Greenspan told reporters that he did not have high hopes for
the state of the American economy.
"You are on the way to destruction," Greenspan said, adding that
investors have "...no chance to survive make [their] time."
Citing peak oil, a rise in unemployment, and the impending threat of
alien invasion, Greenspan predicts that is only a matter of time
before inflation and rising taxes become impossible to control, and
"[only a matter of time before]...all your basis points are belong to
US". Greenspan's opinion reflects growing disillusionment among
financial experts with Minispend's new zero-interest globalization
initiative, or ZIG.
Current Minispend finance minister John Captain reacted unfavorably to
Greenspan's comments. "What you say!" a visibly upset Captain
responded in a public statement Wednesday. "How are you gentlemen?"
He reassured investors that Minispend "know what they doing," and
urged them to continue "mov[ing] ZIG, for great justice."
Greenspan could not be reached for further comment.
{Test: Revolution to be Televised}
To the disappointment of civil rights activists and Gil Scott-Heron fans
the world over, local authorities announced Thursday that a highly
anticipated surge of widespread rioting and violence throughout the
globe will be broadcast live across the world by a variety of
international news networks, including CNN, the BBC, and Fast Finance
International.
"This is a really exciting opportunity," said media mogul The Man in a
press conference last Friday. "Through the synergy of technology and
information we aim to leverage this momentous occasion into the
innovation of new technologies for our benefactors as we lead them
through the challenges of post-freedom America. Also, profits."
Man owns a large variety of news corporations, including Fox News,
MSNBC, Reuters, and Fast Finance International. He claims the venture,
far from overthrowing him, will make his company "more powerful than
ever before."
The momentous three-day event will involve civil unrest, social
upheaval, and economic collapse on an unprecedented scale. According to
the Nielsen Ratings Group, over a hundred forty million viewers are
expected to watch the event, which would make it the most widely
spectated outbreak of violence in television history. News crews are
already gearing up for the event, spending millions of dollars on armor
plating for camera vans and murder-resistant makeup for newscasters. In
Paris, lesbians in pink wigs are already sharpening rapiers and short
swords to prepare themselves for what they claim will be the bloodiest
period of mass hysteria in human history.
"The entire U.S. is going to be blanketed in tear gas," said
professional news expert Martha Lockhart. "Governments are going to
topple. Cars are going to burn in the streets. Men will be lynched,
women will be raped, and children will be left to grow up in parentless
despair. Thousands (of people) are going to die. It's gonna be awesome!"
A recent Coca-Cola survey indicates that Lockhart is likely to be the
first against the wall. Lockhart could not be reached for further
comment.
"They have no idea how bad it is out there," sputtered angry financial
news analyst Jim Cramer over a completely unrelated issue. "This is
Armageddon! The Fed is asleep!"
News agencies are expected to make over $1.5 trillion USD over their
coverage of the revolution, making it the highest-grossing historical
event in television history. An anticipated two hundred point rise in
inflation as rioters loot the Treasury is expected to drive that number
even higher.
"This is going to be the best revolution ever," says Man.
{Test: French nobleman slain in vicious balloon duel}
6/22/1808 - A heated conflict between gentlemen M. de Grandpre and M. le
Pique met its tragic end in Paris last Saturday, as the former shot down
the latter's balloon with a blunderbuss in an airborne contest of honor,
sending le Pique and his nameless manservant plummeting into the river
Seine. The duel was witnessed by a crowd of five thousand, including
five constabularies of the French police, none of who decided to
intervene. de Grandpre, who was also in a balloon, is currently being
held at the Bastille on charges of trespassing on public airspace.
"Oh, I do not know," said Edwin LeBouffant, 27, who witnessed the fatal
balloon-slaying as he was sharing an ice cream cone with his son Leon at
the Place de la Concorde. "It was such a beautiful day today. I thought
I would take Leon out for a walk and watch a duel. There was the crack
of the rifle, and the crack of the balloon, and pop! Oh, it was
magnificent. It was almost as gorgeous as your eyes. Your deep,
gorgeous, blood-red eyes."
de Grandpre's motives are unclear, but it is widely believed that the
duel arose out of a well-known romantic rivalry between him and le Pique
over opera singer Mademoiselle Tirevit, who is allegedly singlehandedly
responsible for introducing gonorrhea to over half of France's noble
families.
"This is an outrageous affront to modern sensibilities!" ejaculated an
outraged Emperor Napoleon. "We will not have the skies of Paris be the
idle playground of bickering gentry! From now on, I declare the
territories one hundred meters above all French lands to be off limits.
To EVERYONE."
Asked about the potential ramifications of this decree, given rapid
advancements in air-propulsion technology, the Emperor merely scoffed.
"Please," said Napoleon. "No one ever won a war by taking to the skies."
le Pique reportedly survived his descent into the Seine, but was
subsequently eaten by a giant fish.
{TEST: Booming market for p3nny st0x; analysts baffled}
A recent trend of investor activity in low-end stocks has left market
analysts confounded. Chaos erupted on Wall Street two months ago when
the SEC revealed that five pharmaceutical companies had suddenly
emerged from bankruptcy with millions of dollars to spare. Ever since,
four companies have also recovered from Chapter 11 almost
overnight. Stock prices for disgraced energy giant Enron, defunct OEM
manufacturer China Happy Manufacturing Co., and Belgian
telecommunications firm Vialis all shot up from under $0.01USD to over
$30USD over the last week. The trend has shown no indications of
stopping, triggering large-scale investor panic and fears of a global
market crash.
buy V1AL1S ch3ap meds
"Honestly, I've never seen anything like it," said Richard Munchausen,
financial advisor for disgraced organic pharmaceutical manufacturer
increase-p3nis-size.com, whose stock inexplicably shot up 3000% after
its CEO fled the company with over $300,000 USD in embezzled
funds. "We've never seen this much demand for our genital enlargement
products. It's like some tiny little voice is telling all of Wall
Street to sink their money in our brand."
what is 0em
softwarre and why should you care?
Former Fed chairman and rising email advertising mogul Alan Greenspan
denied allegations of insider trading. Greenspan called such
accusations "ridiculous...there's no way this many investors could be
participating in some giant scam." He attributed the panic-buying of
inexpensive stocks with what he called "a growing...frugality among
economists" and a sudden cultural interest in gonad enlargement
devices.
"[Body] enlargement has always held a special place in American
society," claimed Greenspan. "It's about time this underappreciated
industry finally got the recognition it deserves."
break down walls
with your massive c0ck
In unrelated news, Greenspan is facing charges of embezzlement after
allegedly taking $35,000,000 USD from disgraced Nigerian king SAMUEL
F. WILLIWEATHER in a fraudulent escrow transaction. Mr. WILLIWEATHER
could not be reached for comment.
{Test: Nothing Happens Today}
ROBYN MCCOCK, CORRESPONDENT
FINANCEMENT RAPIDE-PRESSE INTERNATIONALE
9/11/2008 - News agencies around the world were devastated yesterday
by a tragic dearth of news.
"It's horrible," said journalist and author of this article Robyn
McCock, who spent Thursday afternoon playing solitaire at her office
computer. "It's like every information broker in the world has
suddenly gone silent. No wars. No disasters. No new government
policies or protests of new government policies. No high-profile
celebrity deaths. Hell, there aren't even any art openings or charity
bakes."
"I could really use a free muffin from a press-exclusive Duncan Hines
charity bake right now," added McCock.
Interns and lifestyle editors at news agencies around the world worked
well into the wee hours of the morning to meet the surge in demand for
non-news, while many salaried journalists simply took the day off. The
Thursday edition of the New York Times contained nothing but recipes
for chocolate frittata devil food cake. Bands of rogue paparazzi were
seen wandering the streets of Washington, D.C., snapping pictures of
random passersby. Martin Richards, a photographer for the Associated
Press, ran red lights at four intersections in unsuccessful attempts
to cause a crash. No deaths or injuries were reported.
"Go away," said area woman and suspected communist Denise Stalowski,
34, who was passing by the scene of the non-crash eating ice cream
with her daughter, Yvonne, 4, also a suspected communist.
News media is the 347th biggest industry in the United States,
according to a 2008 poll of 6 industry experts, and is responsible for
the livelihoods of more than 75,000 news professionals worldwide. If
the news drought continues into the next few days, anonymous sources
claim, more than half of them could lose their jobs.
"Bernanke has no idea how bad it is out there," exclaimed furious
television show host Jim Cramer, out of context. "No idea! This is
Armageddon!"
In an unrelated incident earlier that morning, a Boeing 747 containing
300 orphans being transferred from an orphanage in Chicago to a newer
facility in San Francisco landed safely at San Francisco International
Airport, despite multiple attempts by indignant media tycoon Rupert
Murdoch to shoot it down with rocket-propelled grenades from his
private helicopter. No blood, viscera, or body parts caked the
runway, since none of the children were harmed. Murdoch, who is
insured, was detained by police, but later released on bail.
Despite extraordinary measures, the police department of Tacoma,
Washington also failed to identify or arrest any child molestors
yesterday. This week's edition of NBC Dateline: To Catch A Predator,
owned by a Murdoch competitor, was subsequently cancelled.
Allegations of a federal-level freeze on information, intended to
subvert freedom of the press, have been denied by the White House.
"I have...(an) idea what you're talking about," said alleged White
House Press Secretary Dana Perino in an emergency meeting with
reporters yesterday morning. "What are you (the American people) all
doing here? Get out of my apartment. Don't you have...celebrities to
chase or something?"
United States President George W. Bush could not be reached for
comment.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE: Wherever you go, Fast Finance is right here with you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While you eat. While you sleep.
In the shower. In the bathroom.
When you wake up, Fast Finance is the first thing you see in the morning and the
last thing you see at night.
Sleep safe knowing that we are watching you.
Fast Finance International. Always watching your market. (tm)
SOMETHING: Blah blah 30% blah blah 40 basis points
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHATEVER - Blah blah, banks blah blah blah: Fed blah blah.
Blah--blah blah Fed blah blah? Blah blah credit blah: blah.
Blah blah blah. Unemployment blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah; blah blah
blah blah, Treasury bonds blah--blah.
Blah blah blah deflation blah blah recession. Blah blah blah, blah blah: we're
all going to die.
Fast Finance International. Always watching your market. (tm)
GLOBAL MARKET COLLAPSES, NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON, BUNNIES EXTINCT: GOODBYE EVERYBODY
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
0.........1.........2.........3.........4.........5.........6.........7.........
It's been a good run, but our time is up.
Shema Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad.
Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost. As it was in the
beginning, so it now and ever shall be. World without end, amen, amen.
God is great.
This is the last selah.