a ridiculous love story
a ridiculous love story
hades/persephone (greek mythology headcanon); pg-13
~1200 words
the ridiculous story of hades and persephone.
notes: i don't know what the fuck this is. it's for skypirateb for getting fan-fucking-tastic marks on her classes and dissertation and i was like, 'i really wanna do something for her!' so i came up with this ridiculous idea and posed it to saturninepen and because she's just as crazy as i am, went along with it and we co-wrote this piece of crack beauty. congratulations, philippa, we both love you dearly! (also, in the words of rachel: no1curr about demeter. my response: trololol story of my life though. this is pure crack guys.)
Once upon a time...
There was a ridiculous man named Hades with an equally ridiculous cape.
He didn't know how to act with other people in socially acceptable ways. Because he was ridiculous.
In fact, his best friend was his dog, and his favorite past time involved having tea parties with his little sister, Hestia.
Alas, despite these two steadfast companions (and his "boyfriend", Thanatos), there was still something missing...
He needed an equally ridiculous queen.
While Hades and (most) estrogenized species got along, he didn't understand the concept of courting. So he went to his even more ridculous brother, Zeus. ...smart, Hades, smart.
Zeus, you see, was something of a player, and he liked to brag about getting All The Girls. Unfortunately for Hades, he was also something of a troll, and wasn't always known for thinking his plans through in detail.
He thought marrying Hades off to one of his daughters was A Good Idea. Artemis and Athena were quickly crossed off the list. But ah, then there was Persephone, shining like the sun as she picked flowers. Yes, she seemed acceptably ridiculous.
Persephone was beautiful, witty, and perfectly ridiculous, not to mention her ridiculously long and shapely legs. It was almost like a match made in heaven (which, of course, it was).
Especially the legs. (Not that Hades would say that to Zeus though later, he would learn it was a good way to "troll" his brother.)
Hades hastily admonished the plan of turning into an animal. Far too primeval and archaic. No, no, he needed something...classy.
Something that no one had ever done before. He was Hades, after all, and he needed something original, unforgettable, and, of course, suitably ridiculous.
But what could it possibly be? ...aha! Kidnapping! Yes, it would be perfect! Terrifying, non-consenual, everything his family had taught him!
It wasn't even difficult. All he needed to do was set the scene, wait, and then appear in proper, Ridiculous Dread Lord fashion in his large and magnificent chariot. And after all, he would quite literally be sweeping the fair Persephone straight off her feet, which is what all of the stories said to do. How could she resist? What could possibly go wrong?
The day had arrived. It was a sunny day on Mount Olympus. Gross.
In his magnificent chariot, his cape billowed ridiculously behind him and he looked appropriately Doom and Gloom as he burst from the ground into the meadow. It did not take long. In mere seconds, she was on his chariot and they were back in the Underworld. Success was his.
It didn't take long for the feeling of triumph to wear off, however. Between Persephone screaming (beautiful and maidenly as she was, she had also apparently picked up her uncle Poseidon's ability to swear like a sailor), and later, her stubborn refusal to so much as speak to him or allow him visits, he began to wonder if maybe he hadn't done something wrong.
Sometimes he even forgot she was there with how little she came out of her room and all the work he had to do in the Underworld. He tried bringing it up with Thanatos but the god just molted and ignored him. What could it be? He thought he had done everything right. Zeus had been able to get women by turning into animals, for fuck's sake!
...aha! Perhaps that was the answer! Not turning himself into an animal, of course, that was silly -- and not at all the fun, ridiculous kind of silly -- but he did happen to have a handy three-headed dog lying about somewhere...
He would charm her with Cerberus! It was the perfect plan! Nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan!
Except...of course...oh yes. Drool.
But at least she had managed to laugh? It seemed genuine, at least, which gave our dear hero hope.
No one could resist puppy dog eyes, after all, let alone three sets of them. Persephone was no different, and the next day, when Hades returned from yet another tea party session with Hestia (complete with ridiculous frilly pink table linens, teddy bears, and cocked pinky fingers), what sight should await him?
It couldn't be! Persephone...playing with Cerberus? Oh, the sight made his cold and unfeeling heart soar! He properly introduced the two and made it as clear as possible that, whew, she had passed the test. Because if you didn't like Hades' dog, Hades didn't like you.
And...was that a smile he saw? Great gods below, Persephone outside, playing -- nay, bonding with his dog! -- and now happily acknowledging him, Hades, Lord of Ridiculous Capes and Batmen? Dare he believe that his plan...might be working?
Lest his hopes become too high, he put on his srs face and asked her to dinner. Properly, this time. As Hecate had instructed him. He waited. It felt like ages and then...then! She spoke! And no, it couldn't be, had she answered him in the affirmative?!
And so it was that within only a few short hours, Hades found himself brushing invisible pieces of lint and dust from his suit, and wrapping his best ridiculous dinner cape around his shoulders for Thanatos' inspection. Tonight, everything had to be absolutely perfect.
The candles were lit, the air smelled of sulfur...yes, tonight would be the night. He strode into the dining room, hands placed ridiculously on his hips as he waited for her. When she entered, his breath left him. She was beautiful. Ridiculously beautiful.
No, more than that. She was perfect. Perfection to the point of Ridiculousness itself.
And she was almost his. His very own Queen of Ridiculousness, Batwomen, and Ridiculously Long Legs.
All that was left to do was to add the finishing touches...six of them, in fact. So small, anyone else might have forgotten them, but Hades would miss no detail this night.
The dinner went awkwardly well. And for once, there was conversation! Real conversation! (Hades had become quite unaccustomed to this custom save for when he was with Hestia.) Still, he noticed the way she hestiated with her food. Damn. He looked at the six pomegranate seeds and then at her. It was now or never.
At least he looked ridiculously attractive tonight. His dinner cape had always brought out his eyes. That had to earn him some points and so he pushed the plate of pomegranate seeds towards her as he stared into her soul.
"Won't you join me for some dessert?" he asked, eyes widening ridiculously to emphasize the stare. "I've heard pomegranates are lovely at this time of year."
Persephone hesitated. Hades stared, deep, deeeeep into her soul.
The plate sat between them, empty but for the half dozen seeds. For a moment, neither of them moved (too entranced by the other's eyes, of course), and then...then...
Her hand moved out and he felt his heart stop. Could it really be happening?
"I would love to." And she ate the pomegranate seed, savoring its taste and Hades resisted the urge to celebrate in too much a way like his brother. That was all it took, however. One bite and she was his Queen.
And they lived ridiculously ever after with legs and capes and sex. The end. ♥
...yeah, I still don't know what that was either but I hope you enjoyed it?
hades/persephone (greek mythology headcanon); pg-13
~1200 words
the ridiculous story of hades and persephone.
notes: i don't know what the fuck this is. it's for skypirateb for getting fan-fucking-tastic marks on her classes and dissertation and i was like, 'i really wanna do something for her!' so i came up with this ridiculous idea and posed it to saturninepen and because she's just as crazy as i am, went along with it and we co-wrote this piece of crack beauty. congratulations, philippa, we both love you dearly! (also, in the words of rachel: no1curr about demeter. my response: trololol story of my life though. this is pure crack guys.)
Once upon a time...
There was a ridiculous man named Hades with an equally ridiculous cape.
He didn't know how to act with other people in socially acceptable ways. Because he was ridiculous.
In fact, his best friend was his dog, and his favorite past time involved having tea parties with his little sister, Hestia.
Alas, despite these two steadfast companions (and his "boyfriend", Thanatos), there was still something missing...
He needed an equally ridiculous queen.
While Hades and (most) estrogenized species got along, he didn't understand the concept of courting. So he went to his even more ridculous brother, Zeus. ...smart, Hades, smart.
Zeus, you see, was something of a player, and he liked to brag about getting All The Girls. Unfortunately for Hades, he was also something of a troll, and wasn't always known for thinking his plans through in detail.
He thought marrying Hades off to one of his daughters was A Good Idea. Artemis and Athena were quickly crossed off the list. But ah, then there was Persephone, shining like the sun as she picked flowers. Yes, she seemed acceptably ridiculous.
Persephone was beautiful, witty, and perfectly ridiculous, not to mention her ridiculously long and shapely legs. It was almost like a match made in heaven (which, of course, it was).
Especially the legs. (Not that Hades would say that to Zeus though later, he would learn it was a good way to "troll" his brother.)
Hades hastily admonished the plan of turning into an animal. Far too primeval and archaic. No, no, he needed something...classy.
Something that no one had ever done before. He was Hades, after all, and he needed something original, unforgettable, and, of course, suitably ridiculous.
But what could it possibly be? ...aha! Kidnapping! Yes, it would be perfect! Terrifying, non-consenual, everything his family had taught him!
It wasn't even difficult. All he needed to do was set the scene, wait, and then appear in proper, Ridiculous Dread Lord fashion in his large and magnificent chariot. And after all, he would quite literally be sweeping the fair Persephone straight off her feet, which is what all of the stories said to do. How could she resist? What could possibly go wrong?
The day had arrived. It was a sunny day on Mount Olympus. Gross.
In his magnificent chariot, his cape billowed ridiculously behind him and he looked appropriately Doom and Gloom as he burst from the ground into the meadow. It did not take long. In mere seconds, she was on his chariot and they were back in the Underworld. Success was his.
It didn't take long for the feeling of triumph to wear off, however. Between Persephone screaming (beautiful and maidenly as she was, she had also apparently picked up her uncle Poseidon's ability to swear like a sailor), and later, her stubborn refusal to so much as speak to him or allow him visits, he began to wonder if maybe he hadn't done something wrong.
Sometimes he even forgot she was there with how little she came out of her room and all the work he had to do in the Underworld. He tried bringing it up with Thanatos but the god just molted and ignored him. What could it be? He thought he had done everything right. Zeus had been able to get women by turning into animals, for fuck's sake!
...aha! Perhaps that was the answer! Not turning himself into an animal, of course, that was silly -- and not at all the fun, ridiculous kind of silly -- but he did happen to have a handy three-headed dog lying about somewhere...
He would charm her with Cerberus! It was the perfect plan! Nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan!
Except...of course...oh yes. Drool.
But at least she had managed to laugh? It seemed genuine, at least, which gave our dear hero hope.
No one could resist puppy dog eyes, after all, let alone three sets of them. Persephone was no different, and the next day, when Hades returned from yet another tea party session with Hestia (complete with ridiculous frilly pink table linens, teddy bears, and cocked pinky fingers), what sight should await him?
It couldn't be! Persephone...playing with Cerberus? Oh, the sight made his cold and unfeeling heart soar! He properly introduced the two and made it as clear as possible that, whew, she had passed the test. Because if you didn't like Hades' dog, Hades didn't like you.
And...was that a smile he saw? Great gods below, Persephone outside, playing -- nay, bonding with his dog! -- and now happily acknowledging him, Hades, Lord of Ridiculous Capes and Batmen? Dare he believe that his plan...might be working?
Lest his hopes become too high, he put on his srs face and asked her to dinner. Properly, this time. As Hecate had instructed him. He waited. It felt like ages and then...then! She spoke! And no, it couldn't be, had she answered him in the affirmative?!
And so it was that within only a few short hours, Hades found himself brushing invisible pieces of lint and dust from his suit, and wrapping his best ridiculous dinner cape around his shoulders for Thanatos' inspection. Tonight, everything had to be absolutely perfect.
The candles were lit, the air smelled of sulfur...yes, tonight would be the night. He strode into the dining room, hands placed ridiculously on his hips as he waited for her. When she entered, his breath left him. She was beautiful. Ridiculously beautiful.
No, more than that. She was perfect. Perfection to the point of Ridiculousness itself.
And she was almost his. His very own Queen of Ridiculousness, Batwomen, and Ridiculously Long Legs.
All that was left to do was to add the finishing touches...six of them, in fact. So small, anyone else might have forgotten them, but Hades would miss no detail this night.
The dinner went awkwardly well. And for once, there was conversation! Real conversation! (Hades had become quite unaccustomed to this custom save for when he was with Hestia.) Still, he noticed the way she hestiated with her food. Damn. He looked at the six pomegranate seeds and then at her. It was now or never.
At least he looked ridiculously attractive tonight. His dinner cape had always brought out his eyes. That had to earn him some points and so he pushed the plate of pomegranate seeds towards her as he stared into her soul.
"Won't you join me for some dessert?" he asked, eyes widening ridiculously to emphasize the stare. "I've heard pomegranates are lovely at this time of year."
Persephone hesitated. Hades stared, deep, deeeeep into her soul.
The plate sat between them, empty but for the half dozen seeds. For a moment, neither of them moved (too entranced by the other's eyes, of course), and then...then...
Her hand moved out and he felt his heart stop. Could it really be happening?
"I would love to." And she ate the pomegranate seed, savoring its taste and Hades resisted the urge to celebrate in too much a way like his brother. That was all it took, however. One bite and she was his Queen.
And they lived ridiculously ever after with legs and capes and sex. The end. ♥
...yeah, I still don't know what that was either but I hope you enjoyed it?