lol guise can i be a vampire? let's vote on it!
SO LAST NIGHT...I SAW NEW MOON. Here, let me allow that to sink in while I continue to roll around in a fit of giggles. Seriously, it's been more than twelve hours and I still can't get over how lulzy it was.
Basically, I went over to Chelsea's last night to have another movie night (BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT WE DO AND WE WATCHED MAMMA MIA! AND IT WAS AWESOME). Earlier that night, catgod018 asked if anyone wanted to see New Moon with her after work because she needed a good laugh and I was all, 'D: I love you sis, but I'm going to Chelsea's'. So then she crashed at Chelsea's and we finished Mamma Mia! and spontaneously decided to see New Moon. The more we talked about it, the more it sounded like a good idea. A late-night viewing with friends so we can bond and crack up? Awesome. Plus, bonus Michael Sheen. I'm not going to complain.
I felt ashamed buying the ticket and even walking into the theatre but I think I was too drugged up on the lolz of the entire aspect to even care much. HERE, LOOK, I'LL EVEN DO A REVIEW FOR YOU.
No, this review does not deserve a poster or anything.
SO BASICALLY. IT STARTS WITH A SHOT OF, GET THIS, A FULL MOON.
Coral: That's a full moon, not a new moon!
Jordan: It's getting there. God, you're so impatient.
CUE THE START OF THE FUNNIEST, LULZIEST FILM EVER. Basically, once this happened, we were all kind of doomed to laugh our whole way through it.
So there's a dream at the beginning and, GET THIS GUYS, EDWARD SPARKLES. I've never seen Twilight so I've never actually seen the whole ~sparkle effect~ BUT OMG, GUYS, I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING. LIKE...HIS SKIN IT WAS SPARKLY AND OH MY GOOD GOD, STEPHANIE MEYER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE VAMPIRE MYTHOLOGY? YOU HORRIBLE WOMAN.
AND CLEARLY EDWARD IS JUST SO FABULOUS THAT HE MUST WALK IN SLOW MOTION WITH A WIND EFFECT. Like, Bella gets to school (after genuinely freaking out over her dad's 'lol you have a grey hair, I CAN SEE IT') with her camera because omg ~memories~ and the ~magical Cullens~ arriven and when Edward walks to her, HE WALKS IN SLOW MOTION AND SUDDENLY THERE'S WIND AND HIS SHIRT'S ALL BLOWING AND RPATTZ IS WORKING HIS ~SRS DRAMATIC EDWARD EXPRESSION~ (does he even know how to work the muscles in his face) AND BELLA'S SITTING THERE LIKE SHE'S GOING TO WET HERSELF OR SOMETHING. And then it's time for some srs make out action. And basically, this whole beginning part, I'm sitting here like this:
So then because Edward and Bella are ~rebels~, they talk about, get this, suicide, while watching Romeo & Juliet. And Edward's crying to himself BECAUSE HE CAN'T DIE AND BELLA'S GOING ON ABOUT JULIET BEING PERFECT OR SOMETHING (wtf, Bella, what version of Romeo & Juliet do you know?). AND THEN, OMG, THE TEACHER'S ALL: 'QUOTE WHAT JUST HAPPENED BECAUSE OBVS NONE OF YOU ARE PAYING ATTENTION.' And so he ~randomly~ calls on 'Mr. Cullen'.
AND EDWARD QUOTES IT PERFECTLY LIKE HE'S SOME ~SHAKESPEAREAN ELITIST~ AND BELLA'S SITTING THERE WITH STARS IN HER EYES.
So then the birthday party happens. And there's blood and OMG. And Jasper, wtf this kid is so weird, is all OMNOMNOMNOM but obvs they all protect Bella because she's like an ~honorary Cullen~ at this point. Whatevs. She talks with Edward's dad and there's a ~moment~ about Edward's soul OR WHATEVER.
CLEARLY THE MAIN POINT OF THE BIRTHDAY PARTY WAS THAT IT WAS OUR FIRST GLIMPSE OF MICHAEL SHEEN. AS ARO WAY BACK WHEN. IN A CRAVAT. BB, wear cravats more. Please. Because he came on and I gasped and was all:
But then he left and it returned to KStew and RPattz's awful acting skills so I was all:
But whatevs. Edward takes Bella home and she wants to ask him a question but then demands he kiss her and I'm all WTF BELLA, DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD QUESTION OR ARE YOU TRYING TO BE ALL ~ROMANTIC~? So then they kiss and it's ridiculous. Really, guys. Where are their acting skills because clearly they don't think Bella and Edward deserve them. Or maybe it's just the fact that Bella and Edward are awful and their entire relationship is angst and staring at each other and not knowing how to actually have fun like ~normal kids~.
SO ANYWAY. THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL EDWARD IS ~MYSTERIOUSLY ABSENT~ BECAUSE HE'S BEING A CREEPER IN BELLA'S BEDROOM. Like, I know all about his rendezvouses into Bella's room BUT SERIOUSLY. WHAT A CREEPER. And Bella comes home and so Edward takes her into the forest and -
DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!
HE BREAKS UP WITH HER. Because he's making a ~sacrifice~ for her and so he tells her to forget all about him and she's pathetic and wanders through the forest UNTIL SHE TRIPS AND DECIDES, 'OH, I HAVE A GOOD IDEA. I'LL JUST LIE ON THE FOREST FLOOR BECAUSE MY ~DEPRESSION~ IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO GO ON. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIIIIIIM.' So then she sits in her room staring out the window because clearly her life is over without Edward and the months pass and she writes to Alice a lot about how pathetic her life is and the entire time I'm just:
GET A LIFE, BELLA. OMG A BOY BROKE UP WITH YOU, OH NO. SERIOUSLY. SHE IS THE WORST PROTAGONIST AND EXAMPLE FOR PEOPLE. YOU DO NOT NEED A BOY, A PALE ONE WHO SHOULD GET A TAN AND IS ALWAYS ~SRS~ AT THAT, TO BE HAPPY.
So whatevs. Bella's all depressed and she tries to live her life ~without him~ but CLEARLY THAT IS JUST TOO HARD. So she figures out a loophole! What is this loophole, you ask? IF SHE RISKS HER LIFE LIKE THE IDIOT SHE IS, EDWARD WILL ~APPEAR~ TO HER, TELLING HER NOT TO DO IT. ....WHAT? SERIOUSLY? LAY OFF THE HALLUCINOGENICS, BELLA.
So finally she finds solace in the company of Jacob Black. SO WTF, WHERE IS THE APPEAL IN EDWARD? But yeah, there's this whole chunk of the movie about werewolves shape-shifters and it was all right and Bella tries to kill herself a few more times and Jacob's a wolf and yes.
Bella returns to the meadow where she first saw Edward ~sparkle~ and there are flashbacks AND ALL THEY DO IS LAY IN THE MEADOW AND STARE AT EACH OTHER. BECAUSE CLEARLY THAT IS WHAT ALL THE COOL KIDS DO. So now the meadow's all desolate and dried up and DEAD AND OOOOH, STEPHANIE MEYER, YOU SO DEEP.
So whatever. Stuff happens, Alice comes back and Bella learns that Edward's going to kill himself via the Volturi because he thinks she's dead because Alice saw her jump off a cliff (DON'T WORRY, GUISE, BELLA LIVES). AND THEN, LOL, EDWARD CALLS THE HOUSE AND JACOB ANSWERS AND SAYS THAT BELLA'S FATHER IS PREPARING FOR A FUNERAL AND THEN HANGS UP AND SO EDWARD THINKS SHE'S DEAD FOR REALZ.
SO THERE'S A SHOT OF EDWARD WITH A RIPPED SHIRT, IN A DARK APARTMENT, WITH A GLOWING CHRIST THE REDEEMER IN THE BACKGROUND, AND HE'S SO ANGRY THAT HE CRUSHES THE CELL PHONE TO DUST IN HIS HANDS AND SO WE'RE ALL:
So then Alice and Bella go to Italy and I'm thinking, 'YEAH! FINALLY!' So there are pretty shots of Italy AND OOH BOY, EDWARD GETS ~REJECTED~ BY THE VOLTURI (he wanted them to kill him) SO HE DECIDES TO ~ANGER~ THEM BY GOING OUT SHIRTLESS INTO THE SUN DURING THE FESTIVAL SO EVERYONE CAN SEE HIM ~SPARKLE~. So he's about to go out and he's taking his shirt off in slow motion and Bella's running to him in slow motion and then he starts to step into the sunlight shirtless and I'm all:
BECAUSE EWWWWWW, RPATTZ EDWARD MAKES YOU SO UNATTRACTIVE. XP So Bella saves him and he's all OMG and so they awkwardly make out some more. But they are interrupted by the Volturi wanting to see them.
SO THEN WE FINALLY GET TO MICHAEL SHEEN. So things happen (LIKE EDWARD GETTING HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM, OH IT WAS AWESOME) but let me focus on Michael Sheen for a bit, okay?
He was fabulous. I mean, it was no surprise given that it's Michael Sheen but, you know, he actually made a role in freaking Twilight work for him. I'll admit, I actually find the Volturi kind of fascinating. It's an interesting concept to have these ~Royal Vampires~ as the ~government~. So, I mean, besides Michael, they were all kind of blah and whatever BUT MICHAEL TOTALLY WORKED IT AND UPSTAGED EVERYONE.
He made Aro a very charming character with that sort of dark layer beneath him which is what I think they were going for with Aro. But he was just fabulous and completely showed off his awesome acting ability again. Guh, I just love seeing him perform. It's incredible. He completely loses himself in his performances and it's fantastic. So even though it's the dreaded Twilight, he totally showed off why I love him so much yet again. And he completely saved me from going insane.
So Michael's fabulous some more AND THEN THE BEST SCENE EVER HAPPENS. Alice is all, 'NO, DON'T KILL BELLA' to Aro because Michael clearly knows what's going on and what should happen in this series and is all, 'YAY LET'S KILL BELLA!' BUT ALICE TELLS HIM BELLA WILL BE A VAMPIRE ONE DAY SO ARO USES HER POWER TO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE AND SEES THIS:
IT'S EDWARD AND BELLA FROLICKING THROUGH THE FOREST AND GASP! BELLA'S A VAMPIRE. AND OH MAN, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING.
So whatevs, they return to Forks (where it is ~eternally overcast~ so the vampire's can go out during the day without FEAR OF SPARKLE) and they're at the ~Cullen Abode~ AND BELLA'S ALL, 'I WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE, LET'S VOTE ON IT.' And everyone but Edward and Rosalie (SHE IS CLEARLY THE ONLY SANE ONE AROUND) are all:
SO EDWARD OBVS MUST CONCEDE TURN HER ~VAMPIRE~ AFTER GRADUATION. So he drives her home and they run into Jacob and there's ~srs romantic triangle tension~ going on AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDS WITH EDWARD SAYING 'MARRY ME' TO BELLA AND IT WAS THE WORST FILM ENDING EVER AND I LEFT THEATRE LIKE THIS:
Oh man. Good times.
LOL TWILIGHT. I'm going to go continue to crack up now and finish homework.
Catch you later, calculators.
Basically, I went over to Chelsea's last night to have another movie night (BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT WE DO AND WE WATCHED MAMMA MIA! AND IT WAS AWESOME). Earlier that night, catgod018 asked if anyone wanted to see New Moon with her after work because she needed a good laugh and I was all, 'D: I love you sis, but I'm going to Chelsea's'. So then she crashed at Chelsea's and we finished Mamma Mia! and spontaneously decided to see New Moon. The more we talked about it, the more it sounded like a good idea. A late-night viewing with friends so we can bond and crack up? Awesome. Plus, bonus Michael Sheen. I'm not going to complain.
I felt ashamed buying the ticket and even walking into the theatre but I think I was too drugged up on the lolz of the entire aspect to even care much. HERE, LOOK, I'LL EVEN DO A REVIEW FOR YOU.
No, this review does not deserve a poster or anything.
SO BASICALLY. IT STARTS WITH A SHOT OF, GET THIS, A FULL MOON.
Coral: That's a full moon, not a new moon!
Jordan: It's getting there. God, you're so impatient.
CUE THE START OF THE FUNNIEST, LULZIEST FILM EVER. Basically, once this happened, we were all kind of doomed to laugh our whole way through it.
So there's a dream at the beginning and, GET THIS GUYS, EDWARD SPARKLES. I've never seen Twilight so I've never actually seen the whole ~sparkle effect~ BUT OMG, GUYS, I COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING. LIKE...HIS SKIN IT WAS SPARKLY AND OH MY GOOD GOD, STEPHANIE MEYER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE VAMPIRE MYTHOLOGY? YOU HORRIBLE WOMAN.
AND CLEARLY EDWARD IS JUST SO FABULOUS THAT HE MUST WALK IN SLOW MOTION WITH A WIND EFFECT. Like, Bella gets to school (after genuinely freaking out over her dad's 'lol you have a grey hair, I CAN SEE IT') with her camera because omg ~memories~ and the ~magical Cullens~ arriven and when Edward walks to her, HE WALKS IN SLOW MOTION AND SUDDENLY THERE'S WIND AND HIS SHIRT'S ALL BLOWING AND RPATTZ IS WORKING HIS ~SRS DRAMATIC EDWARD EXPRESSION~ (does he even know how to work the muscles in his face) AND BELLA'S SITTING THERE LIKE SHE'S GOING TO WET HERSELF OR SOMETHING. And then it's time for some srs make out action. And basically, this whole beginning part, I'm sitting here like this:
So then because Edward and Bella are ~rebels~, they talk about, get this, suicide, while watching Romeo & Juliet. And Edward's crying to himself BECAUSE HE CAN'T DIE AND BELLA'S GOING ON ABOUT JULIET BEING PERFECT OR SOMETHING (wtf, Bella, what version of Romeo & Juliet do you know?). AND THEN, OMG, THE TEACHER'S ALL: 'QUOTE WHAT JUST HAPPENED BECAUSE OBVS NONE OF YOU ARE PAYING ATTENTION.' And so he ~randomly~ calls on 'Mr. Cullen'.
AND EDWARD QUOTES IT PERFECTLY LIKE HE'S SOME ~SHAKESPEAREAN ELITIST~ AND BELLA'S SITTING THERE WITH STARS IN HER EYES.
So then the birthday party happens. And there's blood and OMG. And Jasper, wtf this kid is so weird, is all OMNOMNOMNOM but obvs they all protect Bella because she's like an ~honorary Cullen~ at this point. Whatevs. She talks with Edward's dad and there's a ~moment~ about Edward's soul OR WHATEVER.
CLEARLY THE MAIN POINT OF THE BIRTHDAY PARTY WAS THAT IT WAS OUR FIRST GLIMPSE OF MICHAEL SHEEN. AS ARO WAY BACK WHEN. IN A CRAVAT. BB, wear cravats more. Please. Because he came on and I gasped and was all:
But then he left and it returned to KStew and RPattz's awful acting skills so I was all:
But whatevs. Edward takes Bella home and she wants to ask him a question but then demands he kiss her and I'm all WTF BELLA, DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD QUESTION OR ARE YOU TRYING TO BE ALL ~ROMANTIC~? So then they kiss and it's ridiculous. Really, guys. Where are their acting skills because clearly they don't think Bella and Edward deserve them. Or maybe it's just the fact that Bella and Edward are awful and their entire relationship is angst and staring at each other and not knowing how to actually have fun like ~normal kids~.
SO ANYWAY. THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL EDWARD IS ~MYSTERIOUSLY ABSENT~ BECAUSE HE'S BEING A CREEPER IN BELLA'S BEDROOM. Like, I know all about his rendezvouses into Bella's room BUT SERIOUSLY. WHAT A CREEPER. And Bella comes home and so Edward takes her into the forest and -
DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNNNNN!
HE BREAKS UP WITH HER. Because he's making a ~sacrifice~ for her and so he tells her to forget all about him and she's pathetic and wanders through the forest UNTIL SHE TRIPS AND DECIDES, 'OH, I HAVE A GOOD IDEA. I'LL JUST LIE ON THE FOREST FLOOR BECAUSE MY ~DEPRESSION~ IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO GO ON. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIIIIIIM.' So then she sits in her room staring out the window because clearly her life is over without Edward and the months pass and she writes to Alice a lot about how pathetic her life is and the entire time I'm just:
GET A LIFE, BELLA. OMG A BOY BROKE UP WITH YOU, OH NO. SERIOUSLY. SHE IS THE WORST PROTAGONIST AND EXAMPLE FOR PEOPLE. YOU DO NOT NEED A BOY, A PALE ONE WHO SHOULD GET A TAN AND IS ALWAYS ~SRS~ AT THAT, TO BE HAPPY.
So whatevs. Bella's all depressed and she tries to live her life ~without him~ but CLEARLY THAT IS JUST TOO HARD. So she figures out a loophole! What is this loophole, you ask? IF SHE RISKS HER LIFE LIKE THE IDIOT SHE IS, EDWARD WILL ~APPEAR~ TO HER, TELLING HER NOT TO DO IT. ....WHAT? SERIOUSLY? LAY OFF THE HALLUCINOGENICS, BELLA.
So finally she finds solace in the company of Jacob Black. SO WTF, WHERE IS THE APPEAL IN EDWARD? But yeah, there's this whole chunk of the movie about werewolves shape-shifters and it was all right and Bella tries to kill herself a few more times and Jacob's a wolf and yes.
Bella returns to the meadow where she first saw Edward ~sparkle~ and there are flashbacks AND ALL THEY DO IS LAY IN THE MEADOW AND STARE AT EACH OTHER. BECAUSE CLEARLY THAT IS WHAT ALL THE COOL KIDS DO. So now the meadow's all desolate and dried up and DEAD AND OOOOH, STEPHANIE MEYER, YOU SO DEEP.
So whatever. Stuff happens, Alice comes back and Bella learns that Edward's going to kill himself via the Volturi because he thinks she's dead because Alice saw her jump off a cliff (DON'T WORRY, GUISE, BELLA LIVES). AND THEN, LOL, EDWARD CALLS THE HOUSE AND JACOB ANSWERS AND SAYS THAT BELLA'S FATHER IS PREPARING FOR A FUNERAL AND THEN HANGS UP AND SO EDWARD THINKS SHE'S DEAD FOR REALZ.
SO THERE'S A SHOT OF EDWARD WITH A RIPPED SHIRT, IN A DARK APARTMENT, WITH A GLOWING CHRIST THE REDEEMER IN THE BACKGROUND, AND HE'S SO ANGRY THAT HE CRUSHES THE CELL PHONE TO DUST IN HIS HANDS AND SO WE'RE ALL:
So then Alice and Bella go to Italy and I'm thinking, 'YEAH! FINALLY!' So there are pretty shots of Italy AND OOH BOY, EDWARD GETS ~REJECTED~ BY THE VOLTURI (he wanted them to kill him) SO HE DECIDES TO ~ANGER~ THEM BY GOING OUT SHIRTLESS INTO THE SUN DURING THE FESTIVAL SO EVERYONE CAN SEE HIM ~SPARKLE~. So he's about to go out and he's taking his shirt off in slow motion and Bella's running to him in slow motion and then he starts to step into the sunlight shirtless and I'm all:
BECAUSE EWWWWWW, RPATTZ EDWARD MAKES YOU SO UNATTRACTIVE. XP So Bella saves him and he's all OMG and so they awkwardly make out some more. But they are interrupted by the Volturi wanting to see them.
SO THEN WE FINALLY GET TO MICHAEL SHEEN. So things happen (LIKE EDWARD GETTING HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM, OH IT WAS AWESOME) but let me focus on Michael Sheen for a bit, okay?
He was fabulous. I mean, it was no surprise given that it's Michael Sheen but, you know, he actually made a role in freaking Twilight work for him. I'll admit, I actually find the Volturi kind of fascinating. It's an interesting concept to have these ~Royal Vampires~ as the ~government~. So, I mean, besides Michael, they were all kind of blah and whatever BUT MICHAEL TOTALLY WORKED IT AND UPSTAGED EVERYONE.
He made Aro a very charming character with that sort of dark layer beneath him which is what I think they were going for with Aro. But he was just fabulous and completely showed off his awesome acting ability again. Guh, I just love seeing him perform. It's incredible. He completely loses himself in his performances and it's fantastic. So even though it's the dreaded Twilight, he totally showed off why I love him so much yet again. And he completely saved me from going insane.
So Michael's fabulous some more AND THEN THE BEST SCENE EVER HAPPENS. Alice is all, 'NO, DON'T KILL BELLA' to Aro because Michael clearly knows what's going on and what should happen in this series and is all, 'YAY LET'S KILL BELLA!' BUT ALICE TELLS HIM BELLA WILL BE A VAMPIRE ONE DAY SO ARO USES HER POWER TO LOOK INTO THE FUTURE AND SEES THIS:
IT'S EDWARD AND BELLA FROLICKING THROUGH THE FOREST AND GASP! BELLA'S A VAMPIRE. AND OH MAN, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING.
So whatevs, they return to Forks (where it is ~eternally overcast~ so the vampire's can go out during the day without FEAR OF SPARKLE) and they're at the ~Cullen Abode~ AND BELLA'S ALL, 'I WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE, LET'S VOTE ON IT.' And everyone but Edward and Rosalie (SHE IS CLEARLY THE ONLY SANE ONE AROUND) are all:
SO EDWARD OBVS MUST CONCEDE TURN HER ~VAMPIRE~ AFTER GRADUATION. So he drives her home and they run into Jacob and there's ~srs romantic triangle tension~ going on AND THEN THE MOVIE ENDS WITH EDWARD SAYING 'MARRY ME' TO BELLA AND IT WAS THE WORST FILM ENDING EVER AND I LEFT THEATRE LIKE THIS:
Oh man. Good times.
LOL TWILIGHT. I'm going to go continue to crack up now and finish homework.
Catch you later, calculators.