Vegan Food Review: Your Choices Aren't Mine (A Vegan Friendship Manifesto)
Hey there, friend who is trying to convince me that soy is bad for you! I appreciate that you have been kind of on a personal health kick lately, but I already know that soy is not a miracle food. I know it has some problematic estrogens, and have been slowly cutting back on it because I don't think that's good for me. I know that it's generally pretty high in fat. I know that you shouldn't base a diet around it.
Guess what: I'm not! But my diet is something I really shouldn't have to defend to anybody. Any food is gonna have its problems, large or small, and its detractors, and its scientists with agendas. I've seen this happen with foods from grapefruit to milk--somebody writes an article based on extensive lab testing and FDA approval saying "x is healthy," and then a year or decade later there's a book on Oprah or a peer-reviewed article saying "x is gonna kill you!" I gave up trying to track it all long ago, because it was impossible.
I decided to take my body's own advice, and go vegan. It's worked great for me. It's the best diet I've ever been on, in terms of my health. If no soy works for you, that's great. You should eat what you like. And I will eat what I like. But I do not appreciate hearing, "you shouldn't eat that thing you like," especially not from a friend.
Reading a book about how soy is horrible is not going to make me change my mind about soy, when my own body was telling me to give up cheese and milk, and I (stubborn) kept at it, and eventually only stopped when I got very sick indeed.
You also probably didn't have much of a way of knowing this, because I don't generally talk about it, but I have had a lot of people criticize my eating habits--both when I was younger, and today. When I went vegan, it took me a year and a half to convince my mother that I was not going to waste away and to demonstrate to my father that what I was eating actually tasted good. When I was younger, I spent an entire year vegetarian. and having my food supply and choices passively-aggressively managed by my mother. My aunt has suggested that I change my grammar structure at family parties so that my extended family will be more comfortable with the fact that I choose to eat how I choose to eat.
Even when my parents are not criticizing my eating habits and choices specifically, or asking me to "just try a little meat," they have spent years generally criticizing my eating habits in terms of everything I ate or didn't eat, every time I ate, on top of the vegetarian and vegan stuff. I have pushed away from the table uncomfortably full, only to have my mother complain that I didn't take seconds, and then an hour later get a lecture on "my health." It feels like they may have spent more total time criticizing me at all points of my life about whatever I was eating than I actually did learning that it was ok to eat what I wanted, finding my own food style as an adult, and learning how to enjoy cooking and (mostly) eating without guilt or stress. That project took me several years.
I really think adults shouldn't criticize each other's food choices. That may sound weird coming from a vegan, since in a lot of ways the way I eat really seems like I'm doing it to stick it to the man. A lot of vegans do that actively and deliberately, and are angry about it.
I will admit that I do stick it to the man a bit, simply by choosing to consume or not consume various products, and talking about why and how sometimes. And I will admit I'm pretty angry about the ill-treatment of workers and animals in factory farms. But if making my own food choices consciously and enjoying what I eat and talking sometimes about why I eat the way I do is sticking it to the man, then everybody who's ever chosen what they will or will not personally consume or talked about why is "sticking it to the man" in the exact same way, if not along the same axis that I am.
There's a lot of people who say, "I hate vegans/vegetarians because I feel like they make me feel bad about the food I eat." I think that's because a lot of veg*ns really do feel strongly about stuff like factory farming, so any discussion of veg*ns it comes off as "you shouldn't eat this thing you like because it's awful!" But please keep in mind that veg*ns have a tiny little corner of the huge socio-political machinery set up in our culture to make other people feel bad or good about their food choices and consumption.
Every day, this machinery tells me and everyone around me that I'm already "supposed" to feel bad about eating the way I do because talking about my food choices around people who have chosen other choices for themselves is rude and it's my own fault if I talk about what I do; I should expect that it will make people angry at me and my food choices. Or, alternately, this machinery tells me and everyone around me that I must be eating really disgusting and unhealthy and nutritionally incomplete foods, so I must be crazy for wanting to set up my food choices the way I have, but no one else should make these food choices because they're just not wholesome in some way.
So if you--any of you, or even all of you--feel like you really want to share some food information with me, I'd prefer that you say something like, "I'm not eating x right now [ENTIRELY optional short explanation: because I hate it/it's bad for me/I'm trying to be healthier, etc.], but here's what I am enjoying and here's what I cooked last week."
That doesn't come off as "I think you shouldn't eat this food because I have been convinced that it's absolutely awful to do so!" It comes off as what is is: "I have made this food choice for these reasons, and here's how it's affected me and what I've enjoyed eating instead." That's *way* more likely to make me interested in and sympathetic to your food choices, even if I choose not to share them myself--because I know I'm not gonna get a lecture about how I am wrong; I just get to find out what you're all excited about and might get excited about it too.
That mutual reciprocal joy in happy sharing and learning more about the awesome person in question is the kernel of all good relationships, whether you're talking about food or friendship or anything else. That's what makes me happy to be friends with you, all of you. That's what makes me happy to share who I am with you, all of you. (It's also awesome when even if you and your friends don't hit perfection and joy all the time, you're honest enough with yourself and each other to admit that you still want to aim for it together, and try again with a different plan, after admitting the first one missed.)
Really, I just want to find out what makes the people I care about happy, and try and make the people I care about happy, because making those people happy makes me happy in a way that's separate from, but related to, their happiness. I bet you do, too, friends. It's harder to do that when the people I care about are telling me how unhappy I should be because the choices that I made to make myself happy--including making the choice to make myself happy by making them happy--shouldn't make me happy as they do, and I'm wrong for finding happiness in the things that I find happiness in, and I need to make different choices, and then I'll be happy. Really, I just want to be happy, and I choose my path so that I will be happy. Making my friends happy is an altruistic way of going about making me happy, which also benefits you, my friend. I really like it, so I do it a lot, partly because I can often combine it with non-altruistic or less altruistic ways of making myself happy, like cooking (sharing cooking with friends), or writing poetry (talking about something I've written), or sex (well, it usually takes at least two people, though not all the time). Don't worry that I'm spending all my happiness on you, and ignoring my own needs, because I find that what I need is that balance in the combination of the less altruistic task and the more altruistic ability to share the task. And I find that balance in different ways, once I finally got the hang of it--performing the task directly with someone is one way; discussing the end-result of it is another; going away to be entirely alone for a while and then listening to someone else talk about their own tasks is another. Most of my choices are a mix of the altruistic and the more selfish.
Like, for example, talking about my personal food choices. :)
And you thought this was gonna be a vegan ranting about how tofu was perfect! ;)
[Edit: Yup, this post was up for like five minutes yesterday night. It wasn't supposed to post until this morning, but LJ's date-setting feature never works right whenever I try to post in the future. I wanted people to see the trans rights stuff first, so I just hid this post until now.]
Guess what: I'm not! But my diet is something I really shouldn't have to defend to anybody. Any food is gonna have its problems, large or small, and its detractors, and its scientists with agendas. I've seen this happen with foods from grapefruit to milk--somebody writes an article based on extensive lab testing and FDA approval saying "x is healthy," and then a year or decade later there's a book on Oprah or a peer-reviewed article saying "x is gonna kill you!" I gave up trying to track it all long ago, because it was impossible.
I decided to take my body's own advice, and go vegan. It's worked great for me. It's the best diet I've ever been on, in terms of my health. If no soy works for you, that's great. You should eat what you like. And I will eat what I like. But I do not appreciate hearing, "you shouldn't eat that thing you like," especially not from a friend.
Reading a book about how soy is horrible is not going to make me change my mind about soy, when my own body was telling me to give up cheese and milk, and I (stubborn) kept at it, and eventually only stopped when I got very sick indeed.
You also probably didn't have much of a way of knowing this, because I don't generally talk about it, but I have had a lot of people criticize my eating habits--both when I was younger, and today. When I went vegan, it took me a year and a half to convince my mother that I was not going to waste away and to demonstrate to my father that what I was eating actually tasted good. When I was younger, I spent an entire year vegetarian. and having my food supply and choices passively-aggressively managed by my mother. My aunt has suggested that I change my grammar structure at family parties so that my extended family will be more comfortable with the fact that I choose to eat how I choose to eat.
Even when my parents are not criticizing my eating habits and choices specifically, or asking me to "just try a little meat," they have spent years generally criticizing my eating habits in terms of everything I ate or didn't eat, every time I ate, on top of the vegetarian and vegan stuff. I have pushed away from the table uncomfortably full, only to have my mother complain that I didn't take seconds, and then an hour later get a lecture on "my health." It feels like they may have spent more total time criticizing me at all points of my life about whatever I was eating than I actually did learning that it was ok to eat what I wanted, finding my own food style as an adult, and learning how to enjoy cooking and (mostly) eating without guilt or stress. That project took me several years.
I really think adults shouldn't criticize each other's food choices. That may sound weird coming from a vegan, since in a lot of ways the way I eat really seems like I'm doing it to stick it to the man. A lot of vegans do that actively and deliberately, and are angry about it.
I will admit that I do stick it to the man a bit, simply by choosing to consume or not consume various products, and talking about why and how sometimes. And I will admit I'm pretty angry about the ill-treatment of workers and animals in factory farms. But if making my own food choices consciously and enjoying what I eat and talking sometimes about why I eat the way I do is sticking it to the man, then everybody who's ever chosen what they will or will not personally consume or talked about why is "sticking it to the man" in the exact same way, if not along the same axis that I am.
There's a lot of people who say, "I hate vegans/vegetarians because I feel like they make me feel bad about the food I eat." I think that's because a lot of veg*ns really do feel strongly about stuff like factory farming, so any discussion of veg*ns it comes off as "you shouldn't eat this thing you like because it's awful!" But please keep in mind that veg*ns have a tiny little corner of the huge socio-political machinery set up in our culture to make other people feel bad or good about their food choices and consumption.
Every day, this machinery tells me and everyone around me that I'm already "supposed" to feel bad about eating the way I do because talking about my food choices around people who have chosen other choices for themselves is rude and it's my own fault if I talk about what I do; I should expect that it will make people angry at me and my food choices. Or, alternately, this machinery tells me and everyone around me that I must be eating really disgusting and unhealthy and nutritionally incomplete foods, so I must be crazy for wanting to set up my food choices the way I have, but no one else should make these food choices because they're just not wholesome in some way.
So if you--any of you, or even all of you--feel like you really want to share some food information with me, I'd prefer that you say something like, "I'm not eating x right now [ENTIRELY optional short explanation: because I hate it/it's bad for me/I'm trying to be healthier, etc.], but here's what I am enjoying and here's what I cooked last week."
That doesn't come off as "I think you shouldn't eat this food because I have been convinced that it's absolutely awful to do so!" It comes off as what is is: "I have made this food choice for these reasons, and here's how it's affected me and what I've enjoyed eating instead." That's *way* more likely to make me interested in and sympathetic to your food choices, even if I choose not to share them myself--because I know I'm not gonna get a lecture about how I am wrong; I just get to find out what you're all excited about and might get excited about it too.
That mutual reciprocal joy in happy sharing and learning more about the awesome person in question is the kernel of all good relationships, whether you're talking about food or friendship or anything else. That's what makes me happy to be friends with you, all of you. That's what makes me happy to share who I am with you, all of you. (It's also awesome when even if you and your friends don't hit perfection and joy all the time, you're honest enough with yourself and each other to admit that you still want to aim for it together, and try again with a different plan, after admitting the first one missed.)
Really, I just want to find out what makes the people I care about happy, and try and make the people I care about happy, because making those people happy makes me happy in a way that's separate from, but related to, their happiness. I bet you do, too, friends. It's harder to do that when the people I care about are telling me how unhappy I should be because the choices that I made to make myself happy--including making the choice to make myself happy by making them happy--shouldn't make me happy as they do, and I'm wrong for finding happiness in the things that I find happiness in, and I need to make different choices, and then I'll be happy. Really, I just want to be happy, and I choose my path so that I will be happy. Making my friends happy is an altruistic way of going about making me happy, which also benefits you, my friend. I really like it, so I do it a lot, partly because I can often combine it with non-altruistic or less altruistic ways of making myself happy, like cooking (sharing cooking with friends), or writing poetry (talking about something I've written), or sex (well, it usually takes at least two people, though not all the time). Don't worry that I'm spending all my happiness on you, and ignoring my own needs, because I find that what I need is that balance in the combination of the less altruistic task and the more altruistic ability to share the task. And I find that balance in different ways, once I finally got the hang of it--performing the task directly with someone is one way; discussing the end-result of it is another; going away to be entirely alone for a while and then listening to someone else talk about their own tasks is another. Most of my choices are a mix of the altruistic and the more selfish.
Like, for example, talking about my personal food choices. :)
And you thought this was gonna be a vegan ranting about how tofu was perfect! ;)
[Edit: Yup, this post was up for like five minutes yesterday night. It wasn't supposed to post until this morning, but LJ's date-setting feature never works right whenever I try to post in the future. I wanted people to see the trans rights stuff first, so I just hid this post until now.]