Sometimes I self evaluate through conversations with myself.
What do you truthfully want to do? Why are you behaving the way you are?
This weekend those behaviors were binging on video games for most of the weekend almost to the point of not paying your rent on time. Although, you did pay the rent on time. So, good on you. No other bills are late, and you have the money to pay them all. Great!
So why does the video games binging bother you? .... Well it's because it feels... pointless, I guess.
Oooh laundry, brb.
It feels pointless because I'm just doing it to pass the time. When I'm playing these games I don't have to think, I just DO. And these games keep it coming, task after task, plenty of things to sit there and DO, to complete quickly enough that you feel like you're getting something done.
But in actuality I'm not getting anything done. I'm just passing the time. And it bothers me that that is all that I'm doing.
So what do you want then?
I guess maybe perceivable results? One thing that has made WoW such a long term time hog is that it provides that illusion of perceptible results. Those characters that I've been playing on for years are still there, high level, with achievements out the butt. But... all pointless. Only relevant in the Warcraft universe. Those high level characters will not get me a job, a girlfriend, or seriously better my life in any meaningful way. The same goes with these other games. But the games keep me entertained and distracted. Distracted from periods of nostalgia and regret.
One of the main reasons I don't launch myself into creative projects in my free time is because while I am working on them my mind is not distracted like it is in a video game. It starts to tick away and dwell on my perceptions of what is going on in my life. I end up dwelling on stuff. I forget that my life is going well and focus on how it isn't going well or I contemplate mistakes I've made in the past. Stuff that I've put behind me then no longer seems like it is behind me. It makes working on creative projects in my free time become a painful experience and a chore.
I guess what I want then is something to do in my free time that doesn't feel quite so pointless as games, but entertains and distracts enough that I can tolerate doing it for long periods of time on my days off. The obvious conclusion would be something creative, but, as I said, painful reminiscences haunt me. (Wow, spellcheck didnt kick back on that! nice!) Although, it's been a while, I *am* in a better place now. It might be time to try it out again. Another possibility that occurs to me is to get a second job. It'd help pay down the debt, and eat up my days off. I should do that anyways just to pay the debt off. Third possibility is to watch tv or read books instead. Both of which are actually just cop outs like the video games.
I think I need to figure out how to do creative things and not dwell on bad juju.
And... I'm too tired to continue rambling to myself. G'night.
This weekend those behaviors were binging on video games for most of the weekend almost to the point of not paying your rent on time. Although, you did pay the rent on time. So, good on you. No other bills are late, and you have the money to pay them all. Great!
So why does the video games binging bother you? .... Well it's because it feels... pointless, I guess.
Oooh laundry, brb.
It feels pointless because I'm just doing it to pass the time. When I'm playing these games I don't have to think, I just DO. And these games keep it coming, task after task, plenty of things to sit there and DO, to complete quickly enough that you feel like you're getting something done.
But in actuality I'm not getting anything done. I'm just passing the time. And it bothers me that that is all that I'm doing.
So what do you want then?
I guess maybe perceivable results? One thing that has made WoW such a long term time hog is that it provides that illusion of perceptible results. Those characters that I've been playing on for years are still there, high level, with achievements out the butt. But... all pointless. Only relevant in the Warcraft universe. Those high level characters will not get me a job, a girlfriend, or seriously better my life in any meaningful way. The same goes with these other games. But the games keep me entertained and distracted. Distracted from periods of nostalgia and regret.
One of the main reasons I don't launch myself into creative projects in my free time is because while I am working on them my mind is not distracted like it is in a video game. It starts to tick away and dwell on my perceptions of what is going on in my life. I end up dwelling on stuff. I forget that my life is going well and focus on how it isn't going well or I contemplate mistakes I've made in the past. Stuff that I've put behind me then no longer seems like it is behind me. It makes working on creative projects in my free time become a painful experience and a chore.
I guess what I want then is something to do in my free time that doesn't feel quite so pointless as games, but entertains and distracts enough that I can tolerate doing it for long periods of time on my days off. The obvious conclusion would be something creative, but, as I said, painful reminiscences haunt me. (Wow, spellcheck didnt kick back on that! nice!) Although, it's been a while, I *am* in a better place now. It might be time to try it out again. Another possibility that occurs to me is to get a second job. It'd help pay down the debt, and eat up my days off. I should do that anyways just to pay the debt off. Third possibility is to watch tv or read books instead. Both of which are actually just cop outs like the video games.
I think I need to figure out how to do creative things and not dwell on bad juju.
And... I'm too tired to continue rambling to myself. G'night.