(no subject)
It has been such a long time since I poured my heart out...I don't know why that is. It is sad really, the fact that I feel like I have no friends close enough to me that I can tell them anything, call them anytime...even if they tell me that I can, that they will answer, that they will be there...I convience myself that they wont answer the phone, respond to an e-mail or give me their shoulder to lean on when the time comes.
I have my own apartment now, this is a plus...but at the same time it has its negative times as well. Back in January I swore that for a whole year I was going to refrain from having a girlfriend of any kind, so that I could spend more time with God, focusing on what He wanted me to do with my life and where He wanted me to be...unfortunately I have not been spending the past several months as they were initially intended to be spent. I wish that I could say that I am so close to God, that we are tight. That He and I have never been better.
The truth is that in January I fell hard, and in Febuary I fell even harder...and the months kept getting worse until finally I stopped striving for God and decided to cover everything up in a grand facade. I became the worlds greatest liar...and I kept getting worse and worse.
Well now here I am, all alone in my apartment, having sworn not to try and reach out to any woman I find attractive, compelling or...anything of interest in my mind. Having pushed away the majority of my close friends in the past months, not so much because I wanted to be alone, or because I was tired of them...but because I was not yearning for the one thing that I once named my "sole passion" and that, quickly drove me into depression mode, most of you know how I act when I am depressed. Basically I am a jerk, a self-centered, self-hating, jerk.
Nobody wants to hang out with a jerk.
I want to be like I once was, I remember a year ago...two years ago, I was so happy. Everyday I wake up and I ask myself if this is the day that I will become the better man, the best man...that I am always saying I want to be.
The kind of guy that smiles and says "hello." to anyone who walks by, the guy that simply by seeing him...you feel you are going to have a better day, because he was so full of joy that he has inspired you to be a better person yourself...I know I have met people like this before, I don't know if you have...but I want to be that guy. I have a great paying job, the work is strenuous but I make due...I have my own place that is open to my friends 24/7 I have a family that loves me, friends that love me...I just need to change my attitude.
That is harder than it sounds...but at the same time, it is so easy.
I just have to make up my mind as to if I am genuine when I say these things...
Blah, I talk too much...sorry for rambling, I don't even know if this makes sense, oh well.
I just, I remember happier days...and I want to go back to those days.
I have my own apartment now, this is a plus...but at the same time it has its negative times as well. Back in January I swore that for a whole year I was going to refrain from having a girlfriend of any kind, so that I could spend more time with God, focusing on what He wanted me to do with my life and where He wanted me to be...unfortunately I have not been spending the past several months as they were initially intended to be spent. I wish that I could say that I am so close to God, that we are tight. That He and I have never been better.
The truth is that in January I fell hard, and in Febuary I fell even harder...and the months kept getting worse until finally I stopped striving for God and decided to cover everything up in a grand facade. I became the worlds greatest liar...and I kept getting worse and worse.
Well now here I am, all alone in my apartment, having sworn not to try and reach out to any woman I find attractive, compelling or...anything of interest in my mind. Having pushed away the majority of my close friends in the past months, not so much because I wanted to be alone, or because I was tired of them...but because I was not yearning for the one thing that I once named my "sole passion" and that, quickly drove me into depression mode, most of you know how I act when I am depressed. Basically I am a jerk, a self-centered, self-hating, jerk.
Nobody wants to hang out with a jerk.
I want to be like I once was, I remember a year ago...two years ago, I was so happy. Everyday I wake up and I ask myself if this is the day that I will become the better man, the best man...that I am always saying I want to be.
The kind of guy that smiles and says "hello." to anyone who walks by, the guy that simply by seeing him...you feel you are going to have a better day, because he was so full of joy that he has inspired you to be a better person yourself...I know I have met people like this before, I don't know if you have...but I want to be that guy. I have a great paying job, the work is strenuous but I make due...I have my own place that is open to my friends 24/7 I have a family that loves me, friends that love me...I just need to change my attitude.
That is harder than it sounds...but at the same time, it is so easy.
I just have to make up my mind as to if I am genuine when I say these things...
Blah, I talk too much...sorry for rambling, I don't even know if this makes sense, oh well.
I just, I remember happier days...and I want to go back to those days.