Existential Ramblings #4080
Water and Body
Came home and undressed myself. As my fingers reached my waist I could see veins in my hands and arms and bones protruding from my hips. I had been drinking and this was me dehydrated and tired. I realized this paralleled where I am at in my life at this particular time.
Water being life and vigor, I am without.
I'm just so tired.
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I'm Never Winning the Lottery
I have to be the unluckiest person alive. People wish me luck all the time when I tell them about possible new events/ideas/people in my life.
"G'luck" he says. I roll my eyes...all the way back into my head hoping they circle back around and I'm in a new place. An alternative reality where I say 'I don't need it' and mean it.
I don't think I've ever won anything. Ever.
Fuck a Job.
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Kick Me While I'm Down Why Don't You
I've have a really bad day/week/month.
All things seem to be falling apart. At least the ones I care about...things that have never been whole to begin with.
I want to yell at the top of my lungs.
"If there's something awful you want to tell me, say it now! I'm down and out and I really can't get any lower so get your licks in while you can!!!!"
And the I would follow it up with,
"SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY. Monster trucks."
It's always feels like I'm taking 1 step forward and 3 steps back.
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The good and the bad
Things seem to have ended with the good. I'm sad about this.
I could have been happier. Not the happiest, but it might have been better.
How am I to know if you can't answer a simple yes or no? I drew no 'maybe' box.
It's not about trying, it's about doing anything but staying in this self created limbo you've built for us.
Things are shaky with the bad.
I never feel like I'm in a good place with the bad though. That's part of the appeal.
As soon as I feel okay with where things are someone has to throw a wrench into the engine.
There is no medium or average in people.
Life isn't math.
I've never been good at numbers.
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Best Thing and Worst Thing to Ever Happen to Me
You are the best thing to ever happen to me. You are the worst thing to ever happen to me.
This is desirable. It's life. It's balance. It puts me in my place.
Left alone to my own devices, I fear I may grow into absurdity/obscurity.
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Big reset button
If I press it, there's no coming back. I take pride in living with conviction.
I think about everything and I want to get up an leave. Not tell anyone and start over.
This is selfish.
But is it really?
I give you everything and what you think I'm hiding is really nothing more than me trying to take back what you already know.
This all seems like a whole lot of trouble for a little bit win.
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No One to Talk To
I miss my best friend. I really need someone to talk to.
She has always been wiser than me and the books that I read.
She has always been kinder than I could hope to be. I get colder and she gets warmer.
She has always cared more for me than I know how to care for anyone else.
She's my hero but I can't keep going to that well.
I have to face this on my own.
I've been trying to but I keep fucking up.
Damn.
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The Great Divide 1
If you move, I don't know what will happen. I'm not that great of a communicator.
My arms are only so long and I have trouble reaching for things.
Especially after last time.
358 miles.
5+ hours of driving alone.
And to have that misunderstanding...To be abandoned and so far away from anyone that could save me...
Dont get me wrong, it was a good thing.
It kinda broke me.
I've bounced back. It made me a better, stronger, and a more understanding person and in some ways, I thank you.
But that was a mountain and as you know...those things are dangerous.
This particular mountain's weather is fickle. No matter how much gear I pack I'll never be prepared for what it throws at me.
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The Great Divide 2
I don't think we ever understood each other.
There's a difference between hearing and listening.
I have a friend who knows me better than you and has seen/heard/spoken/interacted with me far less than you.
So how is it they get me and yet we can't even get a simple idea across to one another?
Did we not talk enough? Did I not open myself up to you?
I always say, 'people talk so much and say so very little.'
My friend laughed at me, jesting as if I was some out of placed Confucian Monk.
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There Never Be Anyone Like Us.
This is what makes me and you so wonderful. We are at the ends of personal dynamics.
Like magnets.
Sweet and Sour.
Peanut butter and jelly.
Living, breathing contradictions.
I am Icarus and you are the Sun.
I know how this story ends but I don't care.
I've got plenty of wax and tragedies are my favorite stories.