Promises.
I'm okay. I really am. Everything is A-OK, hunky-dory. I had a rough few days. Feelings of being tossed aside and my feelings counting for less compared to others. My moms would be 51st birthday is coming up here on the 16th, as well as the 7 year anniversary of her death on the 28th. It almost seems unbelievable. Unbearable. Seven years... doesn't seem like it's been nearly that long and the wound still feels so fresh, like it happened last week. In these seven years I have had a very hard time coming to grips with the loss of her in my life and this time of year (and the holidays) always brings it to the front of my mind that she's gone. She never got to meet my children. She'll never see them grow and learn and things like this. Taking their first steps... learning to drive, graduating high school, dating, marriage, etc etc etc... It hurts that she missed out on these things, because I know how much they meant to her. She literally was asking me since I was like 16 when I was going to give her grandbabies. She loved the kids (my sister's kids) and I can only play through in my mind how she would be with mine. It also sucks how much she's missed on my life. There have been plenty of times I just wish I could hug her and tell her I love her... or sit with her and watch late-night TV and talk. Even if it was about nothing important at all. Just to have some more time with her would mean the world to me, since I took for granted the time I had with her. So I am sorry for my self-hating ways and rants. I promise that I am okay, this will be okay. I just now have to focus. Focus on moving on, buckling down, and changing things that have needed change for much longer then I care to admit. Time to sack up and stop dwelling on these things I can not change. You know, I'm not proud of who I am. Or who I have been... what I've done to/with people, to myself, how I treat everyone including myself. Honesty can be hurtful, and jokes can be too. I am trying to change that. It's hard when it's my only line of defense. So no, I'm not proud of who I am. I am proud of who I can be... who I KNOW I can be. But it's going to take me a while to get there. All I ask for is patience. If I mean enough to you, you will be patient with me. Ride out the waves with me instead of standing off to the side with your weight shifted and arms folded like a spoiled teenager. I can be a good person, I can be a good friend, I can make this transition with you, if you let me. If you wait with me. If you wait FOR me. I don't know what's going to happen in the next year... next 6 months... hell, next week. My crystal ball is broken. So, I can tell you what I want to happen, how I feel; and if you take this ride with me, we can see what happens moving forward. Just understand I can't make any assurances or promises, no warranties written or implied... Sorry I didn't break this up by paragraph. =)