(no subject)
Is it weird that I miss my dad? I never knew him. He died when I was but a tiny squishy baby of four months. I don't remember his voice or anything. I miss him though and when I was a really little girl I would cry about it a lot. I guess I miss the idea fo him. You know how at a funeral they always say the nicest things about the person who died even if they were the stingyest most horrendous person ever to walk the face of the earth? Well, I don't think that the good stories I hear are like that. Everyone loved him so much. My aunt Sandy (driving me home just last year) broke down sobbing when I put on the eagles and said that they were one of my favorite bands. She told me about him some then. How he always listened to the eagles when he was working on cars and sang the witchy woman song to my mom all the time. She made me cry. I know that he was the love of my moms life and that she misses him soo much to this day. On July 7th it will be 18 years that he has been gone and I still sense to holes in my families lives because he isn't there any longer. I hardly know a thing about him. I know that he was in the marines, had blonde hair, atrocious grammer, and a kind heart. He was always there to bail anyone he knew out of trouble. He had a motorcycle and a smoking jacket. My mother stalked him from the nineth to tenth grade before they started seeing each other her senior year. She says that she was riding the bus to school one day and saw him standing under a lamp post with his buddies smoking before school and decided right then and there that he was the man she was going to marry. Really. At least thats the story. I know that it hurts my grannys heart everytime she sees Zach and I pray to all else that she never gets Alzheimers. She will look at him as Jack and it will break them both. In my grannys house, I know this sounds cocky and self centered but it really is true. My brother and I were the favorites. Even when Debbie (my aunt and dads sister) died Kiah and Chrystal were treated as favorties for a while. Zach and I still are. I hate that I see it but I know that my pa-paw favors me. I'm the only grandkid he has ever taken fishing with him. My heart swelled so big the day that happened though I was bored to tears on that boat.
When my mom dies I will bury her next to him. It is only right. I know that she doesn't want to spend eternity next to Bob and a thousand times less next to Kenny. It is only right that she should be by his sideo once again. She has only told me of his death once. He died at home where he had grown up, in the living room. He was laying on the couch with a morphine drip and had lost all sense of self. Mom says that he didn't know who she was, or who he was for that matter. Zach had been there with them sitting scared by his side all day. She made him go home and he screamed and cried for his daddy as he was carried out the door. She says that she regrets that every day of her life sending him away. There were my granny and pa-paw clutching each other with rivers of tears coursing down their faces and mom had no-one to cling to when he slipped away. It is such a sad story.
I have a tape of his voice that he recorded over seas to send to my mom. I don't know if I have told anyone about it. I found it six years ago and I listen to it now and again to hear his voice. If Zach had grown up in Kentucky and adopted that twang he would sound just like him. I love his voice it is so soothing to me.
That is my one regret in life. I regret not having my father because of the two that came along to replace him after that. One physically abusinga and one emotionally. I know that I would feel differently if I did have a dad because he would be overprotective and strict but I ache for that sometimes.
I go to his grave sight every now and again. I went last about a year and a half ago. I need to go again because I need to visit Missy and Debbie as well. I have lost too many people. It hurts inside.
Do you know that the butterfly kisses song makes me bawl my eyes out? I can't control it. The first time I heard it I was at my cousins house and I cried and cried. Even years later at Crystals wedding I cried. I tried so hard not to but she understood and held me so that no one would see.
Good family
I have good family.
When my mom dies I will bury her next to him. It is only right. I know that she doesn't want to spend eternity next to Bob and a thousand times less next to Kenny. It is only right that she should be by his sideo once again. She has only told me of his death once. He died at home where he had grown up, in the living room. He was laying on the couch with a morphine drip and had lost all sense of self. Mom says that he didn't know who she was, or who he was for that matter. Zach had been there with them sitting scared by his side all day. She made him go home and he screamed and cried for his daddy as he was carried out the door. She says that she regrets that every day of her life sending him away. There were my granny and pa-paw clutching each other with rivers of tears coursing down their faces and mom had no-one to cling to when he slipped away. It is such a sad story.
I have a tape of his voice that he recorded over seas to send to my mom. I don't know if I have told anyone about it. I found it six years ago and I listen to it now and again to hear his voice. If Zach had grown up in Kentucky and adopted that twang he would sound just like him. I love his voice it is so soothing to me.
That is my one regret in life. I regret not having my father because of the two that came along to replace him after that. One physically abusinga and one emotionally. I know that I would feel differently if I did have a dad because he would be overprotective and strict but I ache for that sometimes.
I go to his grave sight every now and again. I went last about a year and a half ago. I need to go again because I need to visit Missy and Debbie as well. I have lost too many people. It hurts inside.
Do you know that the butterfly kisses song makes me bawl my eyes out? I can't control it. The first time I heard it I was at my cousins house and I cried and cried. Even years later at Crystals wedding I cried. I tried so hard not to but she understood and held me so that no one would see.
Good family
I have good family.