Five Days, One Entry - Can You Take It?
My life has been crazy busy the last few days (thus the lack of entries and noting).
In brief, my mom changed her mind and now is advocating VERY strongly for me to remain in Connecticut for the next YEAR! I can’t. I just can’t. Yes I’m doing well out here and yes going home is a risk, but I can’t stay like this for that long. So we had a conference call with Dave on Thursday in which I screamed and cried and my fate will be decided next Tuesday with another one. This time I’m going to hold myself together and come in with a solid argument for going home.
Abbey left on Thursday for NYC with her boyfriend and will be back in a few hours. I hate being alone. I get scared and lonely.
Friday was my trial day of work for the stable. I worked 9 hours and afterwards felt like I was going to die I hurt so badly. It’s really heavy physical labor and I am really out of shape. It would be good for me I’m sure if I could handle it. I don’t know if I could though. L, the owner, asked if I could work Saturday to replace someone who called out. I said yes. Saturday morning I fell on the way to work, so I hurt extra badly. I worked for a half hour before the person I was supposedly replacing showed up to work! Thank GOD!!! I went to lunch and a movie with Sam that afternoon. We saw Charlie Bartlett. It had some really triggering bits in it, but for the most part I liked it. It was fun hanging out with Sam.
Isabel called while I was out with Sam to announce that she wasn’t coming on Sunday like she had said and that she will be here Wednesday. Well that seriously pissed me off. First of all, I turned down hours at work on Sunday because she was coming over. Second, I have school all day on Wednesdays so I probably won’t get a chance to see her, which she seemed totally fine with. Nice.
Saturday night I went out and bought razors, brought them home, and proceeded to stare them down for a very long time. Sunday morning I was told not to come in if I was still hurting, which I was, so I went out and returned them. No cut, no foul. But now I want them back, damn it! I’m so pissed off and terrified of the future and lonely.
I took Maddie, Abbey’s 2-year-old yellow lab, to visit the treatment center I go to as a nice thing for all the residents who miss their dogs. Only 3 even came down to see her. The rest were too busy watching T.V. or whatever. Ugh.
I’m suppose to be doing reading for class tomorrow, but I can’t. I feel like I need to cry, but I can’t and I just want to hurt myself. Abbey will be home in 2 hours. Maybe that will help. Maybe not.
I meet with the owner of the stable tomorrow at 2 to discuss if I’m going to work there or not. I don’t know what to say, because I don’t know if I’ll be here over the summer or not. Maybe she’ll just say I’m not hired and make things easy. Is that what I want though? God, I don’t know. I just want to go home. I’m so close to packing up my car with all my things and driving the 12 hours home. The only things stopping me are 1) Mapquest gives shady directions sometimes and I don’t want to be lost in Pennsylvania and 2) my car is making funny noises. I don’t think it would make it that far. I wonder what would happen if I just showed up though. Would my mom kick me out? I doubt it.