Shafted
Title: Shafted
Rating: PG (for language and brief sexual situation)
Genre: Snark, reflecting
Characters/Pairings: Edward/Bella, Jasper/Alice
Spoilers: slight Eclipse
Summary: As Edward and Bella’s wedding approaches, Jasper reflects, but not without some bitterness.
Disclaimer: Everything Twilight related belongs to Stephanie Meyer, and is used without permission here. I, however, do not claim what is theirs and only what is mine.
Notes: No beta, just me and spell check deciding how much sarcasm y’all could handle. :) Bitching and black humor galore 'cause this is basically me venting. Creatively, though I will admit Jasperr is quite OOC in this. Prompt "jealousy" for twilight20
Shafted
Oh joy.
Edward and his Bella are finally getting married. After two long years of unresolved sexual tension and his moralizing and her clichéd falling-over-every-random-object, they’ll be free to do the dirty, so to speak. Whether or not they have wild monkey sex while hanging upside down on Esme’s chandelier in the dining room and dressed in Vegas showgirl outfits is up to them, but maybe Bella will now just get bitten and shut up about it.
Don’t get me wrong. I really do want the best for both of them. Edward is kind, pretty, and all that jazz, and Bella is nice enough in her own blundering way and most of the time I don’t want to eat her, but really. I don't remember anyone else having to go through this much pomp, circumstance, and debates over if calla lilies were sexually symbolic and should we go with red roses for the bridesmaids hair?
Maybe I’m jealous. My wedding to Alice was held at a backwater church with a priest that was packing and I was wearing jeans and a holey t-shirt I’d lifted off a wash line in Omaha, while Alice had broken into a boutique two towns before and paid for a hot pink sundress in the middle of the night. It was completely and utterly beautiful, but we sure as hell didn't have three species of creatures (two of them supernatural, one human...does Renee's dog count, too?) fluttering around in anxiousness.
They get a limo, Italian designers, and lots and lots of guests. I got bare soles, damp denim and lots and lots of mosquitoes. I don’t regret it, not for a minute, ‘cause it is exactly like us to make everything that’s supposed to be sacred and turn it irreverent, but I’m only a man. In the oddest sense of the word. And maybe that’s why Alice is so damn fanatic about this wedding. ‘Cause our wedding was rather anticlimactic; I don’t think muddy toes can hold a candle to Jimmy Choos.
But I suppose the important thing is that we’ve all four found the person we love and want to be with for a literal forever. Right? ‘Cause it’s not like they’re not gonna hold a second ceremony in another thirty years.
Maybe next time we won’t have to worry about Bella falling over her own feet in the middle of the aisle.
Rating: PG (for language and brief sexual situation)
Genre: Snark, reflecting
Characters/Pairings: Edward/Bella, Jasper/Alice
Spoilers: slight Eclipse
Summary: As Edward and Bella’s wedding approaches, Jasper reflects, but not without some bitterness.
Disclaimer: Everything Twilight related belongs to Stephanie Meyer, and is used without permission here. I, however, do not claim what is theirs and only what is mine.
Notes: No beta, just me and spell check deciding how much sarcasm y’all could handle. :) Bitching and black humor galore 'cause this is basically me venting. Creatively, though I will admit Jasperr is quite OOC in this. Prompt "jealousy" for twilight20
Shafted
Oh joy.
Edward and his Bella are finally getting married. After two long years of unresolved sexual tension and his moralizing and her clichéd falling-over-every-random-object, they’ll be free to do the dirty, so to speak. Whether or not they have wild monkey sex while hanging upside down on Esme’s chandelier in the dining room and dressed in Vegas showgirl outfits is up to them, but maybe Bella will now just get bitten and shut up about it.
Don’t get me wrong. I really do want the best for both of them. Edward is kind, pretty, and all that jazz, and Bella is nice enough in her own blundering way and most of the time I don’t want to eat her, but really. I don't remember anyone else having to go through this much pomp, circumstance, and debates over if calla lilies were sexually symbolic and should we go with red roses for the bridesmaids hair?
Maybe I’m jealous. My wedding to Alice was held at a backwater church with a priest that was packing and I was wearing jeans and a holey t-shirt I’d lifted off a wash line in Omaha, while Alice had broken into a boutique two towns before and paid for a hot pink sundress in the middle of the night. It was completely and utterly beautiful, but we sure as hell didn't have three species of creatures (two of them supernatural, one human...does Renee's dog count, too?) fluttering around in anxiousness.
They get a limo, Italian designers, and lots and lots of guests. I got bare soles, damp denim and lots and lots of mosquitoes. I don’t regret it, not for a minute, ‘cause it is exactly like us to make everything that’s supposed to be sacred and turn it irreverent, but I’m only a man. In the oddest sense of the word. And maybe that’s why Alice is so damn fanatic about this wedding. ‘Cause our wedding was rather anticlimactic; I don’t think muddy toes can hold a candle to Jimmy Choos.
But I suppose the important thing is that we’ve all four found the person we love and want to be with for a literal forever. Right? ‘Cause it’s not like they’re not gonna hold a second ceremony in another thirty years.
Maybe next time we won’t have to worry about Bella falling over her own feet in the middle of the aisle.