Needs
Title: Needs 2/5
Author: vaguelynormal
Pairing: OT5
Rating: NC-17
Warning: slight HET in this chapter only
Summary: Changmin discovers the group’s secret.
And he can’t stop thinking about it.
Previous chapters: 1
Everything changes. Changmin thinks there’s no way it couldn’t, despite Jaejoong’s best attempts. He’s withdrawn and he can tell by the way Yoochun and Junsu are overly cautious around him that Jaejoong has told them he knows. Yunho is the same- their leader still puts in long hours in the dance studio or gym, faces the meetings with their manager, praises Jaejoong’s cooking, Yoochun’s music, Junsu’s voice and Changmin’s intelligence. Yunho is still a mix of reliable and stoic but spontaneous and affectionate, clinging to Jaejoong in the kitchen or Changmin whilst he tries to study. Now that Changmin knows the truth, he sees Yunho’s actions as needy and forced- recognises the effort and exhaustion behind Yunho’s happy and responsible façade.
Changmin has always hated being the youngest- blamed it for his feelings of alienation from the group but he’s beginning to learn from the other’s actions that Yunho is the only one who treats him like a precious maknae and that the group really revolves around Yunho, regardless of the friendships between them all. It hurts more than Changmin would expect, to be valued as less important- disposable- and he spends time out of the apartment whenever he can. Jaejoong always manages to catch up with him somehow and drags him home, forcing him to sit through awkward dinners where four of them are too embarrassed or angry to speak to one another. Yunho doesn’t seem to notice, though he does ask Changmin if he’s having girlfriend troubles.
It’s worse at night, when he’s trying to sleep but finds himself laying deathly still, listening desperately for sounds coming from Yunho, Jaejoong and Yoochun’s room. Junsu always chooses these times to try and joke with him like normal but Changmin can’t bring himself to laugh or insult Junsu like he usually would. In the back of his mind, he’s aware his friend is probably afraid of Changmin judging him.
Weeks later, whilst Changmin is once again, listening intently for noises in the apartment, Junsu decides to finally broach the subject.
‘Yunho’s still the same person, you know. We all are,’ Junsu says softly into the dark, startling Changmin. ‘You can still look up to him as your hyung. We’re still your hyungs who love you- nothing has to change- we still deserve a little respect.’
Changmin snorts. ‘It’s not the same, and it’s a little hard for me to respect someone my hyungs are probably double-teaming in the next room.’
The light flickers on from a lamp and Junsu sits up abruptly, looking at Changmin with outrage and shock all over his features. He shakes his head as if trying to shake off Changmin’s words. ‘You’re so vulgar, Changmin,’ Junsu hisses, ‘I can’t believe you of all people would be so childish and low.’
Changmin turns away to face the wall, unable to withstand the disappointment in Junsu’s eyes. ‘Turn off the light, I want to sleep.’
‘Is it just because of the gay thing? Does that really bother you that much?’ Junsu keeps his voice low, but it’s hard with the fury building inside him.
‘You’re the one who should be worried about that- my religion doesn’t have a hell, hyung,’ Changmin argues petulantly.
‘You know I used to think Yunho was silly to keep this from you- from everyone- and when Yoochun and Jaejoong found out they understood so well, they needed it too. I thought it was ridiculous to keep up this charade just for the maknae, but Yunho insisted that you were protected from it. He didn’t want you to think less of him and now I see he was right- you’re too young for this,’ Junsu seethes and Changmin can hear him throwing back the covers and slipping from their room.
As the room is thrown into darkness again, Changmin returns to his game. Lying perfectly still and listening for sounds in the dark, trying to ignore the way Junsu’s words bring a sting to his eyes.
Months pass but Changmin can’t forget. He finds himself distracted from vocal training and studying, deciding instead to burn off his anger and hurt at the gym. The frustration never seems to fade though and Changmin catches himself staring at Yunho longer than he should, his mind still a mess. He goes out drinking more than he should too, with Kyuhun for company and lets the alcohol ease his tumultuous emotions.
He’s out on one such night, indulging in shot after shot of soju, neglecting the many dishes of food presented to his table in favour of the potent drink when Jaejoong steps into their private room. Changmin scowls, realising from the way Kyuhun refuses to meet his eyes that his friend has called his band member to collect him. It’s irritating but at the same time Changmin is grateful Kyuhun called Jaejoong, knowing how much Changmin is loathe to make a bad impression with his leader. He lets Jaejoong pull him up roughly by the arm, stumbling only slightly as he’s lead out of the restaurant.
Jaejoong is kind, gentle even, as he guides Changmin into the passengers seat. This is normally Yoochun’s role and Changmin wonders what Jaejoong talks about with a drunken Yoochun on drives home like these. Probably something deep, the two sharing a connection Changmin’s never had with another person and he chooses instead to ramble about being perfectly fine and that soju tastes better than wine when it comes back up. Jaejoong’s smile is grim, face tight as he offers Changmin a bottle of water, driving them in the direction of their apartment and not Changmin’s parent’s house where he is supposed to spend the night.
The apartment is dark as Jaejoong lets them in, but this time he doesn’t stumble slipping his shoes off, his band member’s arm lending him support. Changmin has sobered up exponentially over the ride home but there’s still a haze dulling his sense of self-preservation. Perhaps that’s why he wanders down the hall, towards the bedroom Jaejoong and Yoochun share with Yunho, curious to the muffled noises. If there’s a sense of déjà vu, Changmin pays it no mind, nor does he acknowledge Jaejoong’s hand on his shoulder, trying to steer him back. The door swings open with a quiet sigh and dumbly, Changmin steps inside. He’s not exactly sure what he was expecting, or rather, if it wasn’t exactly what he was expecting but nothing prepares him for the sight of Yunho bent over, straddling Junsu’s lap backwards whilst he leans forward to mouth at Yoochun’s cock.
Changmin moves closer to the bed in a daze, his eyes fused to the point where Junsu’s hips meet the curve of Yunho’s ass, his cock stretching Yunho’s skin pink and he’s oddly mesmerized. He blushes, heat washing over him as he turns to watch Yunho’s tongue dart out to lick up Yoochun’s shaft, ending with a suck to the wet, red tip. Yoochun notices him first, sitting with his legs sprawled to give Yunho access, fumbling his own heavy balls and panting softly. He freezes, eyes opening wide in shock but is silent, looking imploringly to Jaejoong who tugs roughly at his sleeve. Junsu is fucking Yunho with eyes closed, hips snapping with the same fluidity he maintains when dancing and his body makes an obscene noise as it pushes into Yunho. His hand works over Yunho’s cock, pumping the leader’s pulsing erection in time with his thrusts, one hand pulling Yunho’s hip back towards him as he pushes forward.
Changmin turns his attention back to Yunho, searching the man’s face for anything that will help him understand. He feels both hot and cold, sweat sticking his clothes to his body, skin clammy as he studies the perfect arch of Yunho’s back. Changmin’s struck by how strange he feels at the sight of his hyung, blind folded and desperately horny between two of his band members. Repulsion is the last thing from his mind- instead he finds himself fascinated, curious at the expression on Yunho’s face and the pleasure that causes Junsu’s muscles to tense, fingers digging into Yunho’s fleshy hip. The smell of sex and sweat is alluring and he inhales deeply, shaking off Jaejoong’s prying hands to take another step closer to the bed, within touching distance.
Junsu finally opens his eyes for a moment, catching sight of Changmin standing beside them and he loses rhythm, hips propelling forward with too much force and Changmin lets out an odd noise as Yunho slips forward, Yoochun’s cock filling his throat. Yunho splutters and Changmin wants to help pull him back up but Junsu and Yoochun hold him locked in their gaze. Fear dances across their eyes and Changmin knows they’re waiting for him to react, to reject them or ruin the moment and the band’s entire equilibrium by exposing Yunho’s secret.
Changmin remains silent, too dazed to speak but stands firm to Jaejoong’s tugging. Yoochun finally helps pull Yunho up, the leader resting his cheek on his thigh as he tries to regain his breath. Junsu stills his thrusts and they all bite back a gasp as Yunho’s hand suddenly shoots out and grasps Changmin’s leg, searching blindly until slender fingers find his wrist, squeezing firm.
‘Jaejoong?’ Yunho asks, smiling softly against Yoochun’s leg.
They all panic for a moment before Jaejoong shifts quietly forward, running a hand through Yunho’s hair. ‘I’m here, baby,’ Jaejoong coos.
Yunho beams, cheeks flushing with pleasure and Junsu and Yoochun let out the breath they’ve been holding. ‘I knew I heard you,’ he says, rolling onto his back.
Changmin has to avert his eyes; it feels wrong to see Yunho this way, without him knowing- without being invited to look and Yunho left so incredibly vulnerable. It is obvious Yunho trusts these three so implicitly and it cuts Changmin like a knife. His band members are frightened that Changmin will reject them but it’s clear to him that he’s the one who has been ostracised- excluded and distrusted; unloved. Yunho releases his wrist to reach for his blindfold and it’s Junsu who leans forward, whispering words seductively, his tone promising more.
‘Leave it on, baby,’ Junsu purrs, ‘we’re not done with you yet.’ His hands rub soothingly up Yunho’s thighs as Jaejoong kneels on the bed to join them.
None of them spare a backwards glance as Changmin exits the room.
Changmin locks himself in his room, his breathing heavy and constricted. He slides down the wall to rest on the floor, clapping a hand to his mouth before the sobs beginning to wrack his body can echo in the empty room. The air around him feels too thin and his throat hurts to swallow around the lump that seems to nestle there. A piercing ring snaps Changmin from his despair and he answers quickly, wiping his face clean with the back of his hand. An odd calm begins to quell the pain in Changmin’s chest at the sound of his friend’s voice over the line and he bites his lip to steady his breathing. The luminous dial on his alarm clock reads eleven-thirty and Changmin decides that’s the perfect time to meet his friend for another drink.
The door slams behind him on the way out, but Changmin is sure no one will hear it.
It gets easier- or rather Changmin becomes better at distracting himself. He takes up boxing, enjoying venting his frustrations into a punching bag and the definition the sport brings to his physique. Kyuhun helps him stay up late, the two playing video games well into the evenings, an ear piece keeping them connected until they’re both barely functioning and need to crawl into bed at three in the morning. He builds too much of a tolerance to alcohol and has no desire to be overly irresponsible or reckless by consuming any more than he used to, so he gives that up, focusing on his Japanese instead.
Junsu spends a lot of nights either on the couch or in the other’s room and Changmin pays him no mind, preferring to be alone, especially at night when his mind begins to wander and he finds himself hard. The four tease him in his dreams, mocking him and Yunho always dances, body twirling gracefully, Changmin’s eyes drawn to his sharp hipbones. He becomes used to waking up with an erection and a head full of muddled thoughts.
A little over a month later and Changmin decides enough is enough and finds himself a girlfriend. She’s a year younger than him and miles away in maturity, often gratingly naïve but she’s clumsy with a sweet face and something about her keeps him mildly charmed. The new situation is easier for the group to adapt to than Changmin would have thought, Yunho giving him words of encouragement and it somehow breaks the tension with the other three who begin to tease him relentlessly. For the most part, Changmin doesn’t mind the ribbing, can tolerate the ridiculous questions of marriage and even Yunho awkwardly trying to broach the issue of condoms which Changmin feels is a little rich coming from a man with multiple partners but he bites back any retorts. He tries to ignore the niggling burn that the four are so happy to compartmentalise him separately from the group when they seem to need each other so much. After isolating himself further from them, Changmin can’t pretend he doesn't need them but he tries to fill in gaps with his new girlfriend.
The girl is modest, polite and slips into shoots sometimes under the wing of her older sister who styles them. She brings Changmin lunchboxes and he smiles, relishing the attention and adoration shining in her eyes. Changmin finds her a little naïve for his liking but she’s kind and pleasing, accommodating Changmin’s every whim. The first time they sleep together it’s in a low-key hotel, the sheets are pale blue and she looks too fragile lying naked beneath him that he finds himself no longer wanting her. She’s lacking in height- something Changmin had failed to notice until she slipped off her heels in the entryway- and her limbs are thin; breakable. Changmin knows he likes power; loves control but there’s no appeal for him in her small, childlike body. Sharp knees bruise against his sides as he takes her - gently, because there is no other way- and though he tries to please her, he feels like they’re both just going through the motions. She’s tight and warm enough to bring him the minimum satisfaction but there’s no thrill and nothing feels quite right about how large his hands look over her small, pert chest.
Despite the emptiness and lack of satisfaction, they stick together for months, Changmin using her as a means to escape the house and she seems content enough. They play at being girlfriend and boyfriend, taking photos together and eating in the very back of restaurants. Changmin knows she’s not particularly in love with him, but rather the thought of him, the status of dating someone famous and successful. Bitterness begins to seep through him as she begins to send messages to her friends on their dates together but he merely hides his dissatisfaction behind a tight smile, holding her hand when he needs to and easily passing as a gentleman because he has no real desire or investment in her.
When they fuck he finds himself squeezing his eyes tightly closed, imagining the big-busted blonde from the porno he’s watched recently, moaning beneath him for more or the long legged woman he saw running in the gym, her thighs straining as her feet pounded the treadmill, flesh jiggling slightly in a way Changmin found himself entranced by before becoming distracted by Yunho stretching, sweat sticking his shirt to his body. Just like that, Changmin finds himself unravelling, heat pooling in his belly and he wraps her legs higher around his waist, imagining Yunho’s strong, dancer thighs thick with muscles. Instead of her breathy pants, he recalls Yunho’s needy whimpers and moans, the eagerness with which his hyung lapped at Yoochun’s erection or the bright smile he was offered when Yunho blindly mistook him for Jaejoong. Suddenly his orgasm is torn from him, intense waves of pleasure overwhelming him and shaking him to his core as he spills into the condom.
He pulls out quickly, panting heavily and though he doesn’t want to break the spell, he meets her eyes anyway. She looks slightly scandalised, not used to this rougher side to him and Changmin instantly regrets letting himself go. Apologies stream from his lips and she just nods, smiling weakly, her limbs stiff and Changmin realises he’s bruised her hips, his own pelvis numb from where he’d crashed it against her body. The next day he sends her countless messages to apologise and two dozen roses and she laughs it off, dismisses him with a brush on the shoulder but it doesn’t stop them from breaking apart weeks later.
Changmin finds it hard to be sad but everyone treats him with pity, from the staff to the group members and his friends. He mostly feels numb, surprised when he doesn’t miss the interaction in the slightest. However, Changmin does worry that there’s something wrong with him- something that leaves him cold and unable to connect with those around him. There’s a sense of hostility around him and mostly people leave him alone, with the exception of Yunho who dogs him for a week trying to get him to open up about the break-up. It grates on him and somehow Yunho manages to get even further under his skin until Changmin snaps and holes himself up in his room. Just when Changmin thinks he’s sent the message loud and clear that he wants to be left alone with Junsu officially moving out of their shared room, Yunho moves right in.
A twitch develops in one of his eyes as Changmin watches the small, tidy room become cluttered with Yunho’s trinkets and rubbish, books, clothes and bottle caps strewn everywhere. It grates on Changmin more than it usually would, tension building whenever Yunho hugs him tightly, images of the leader naked springing into mind and he can’t help but feel guilty that Yunho is sacrificing what little time he has to let off steam to try and coddle him. Instead of flattered he becomes furious with resentment and enraged by the hesitant looks the other three shoot him when he’s with Yunho.
Changmin finally snaps when Yunho bounces over to sit with him on his bed one afternoon. He’s spent a half hour picking up the mess Yunho has made, unable to relax until the room was neat and tidy before settling down to finish his book. Naturally, his leader blessed with the worst timing, chooses this moment for a heart to heart that Changmin never feels like giving.
‘Changmin-ah, are you doing okay?’ Yunho’s eyes shine with concern and Changmin finds his own narrowing in a glare.
‘I’m fine, hyung. I’m trying to read,’ he says pointedly but Yunho doesn’t even flinch.
‘Did something happen with Junsu?’ Yunho asks gently as though his soft tone will hurt Changmin less as it hits home. ‘I know you two haven’t been talking much lately and well, you’ve been shying away from us all.’ Yunho’s hand settles on Changmin’s knee and he tries hard to ignore the warmth that seeps through his pants from that broad palm. ‘Yoochun is always a little moody and reclusive- Jaejoong too- I know he has phases when he might seem to dote on some more than others but has anything happened? You’ve been distant for months now, you won’t even talk about your break up, you won’t even talk to me,’ Yunho sounds a little hurt but Changmin thinks it’s amazing how perceptive the deceptively dense leader can be at times. He knows his members back to front and even though he might not fathom exactly what’s upset their little equilibrium, Yunho always knows when something is wrong.
‘I don’t want to talk, hyung,’ Changmin says to his lap, ‘it’s nothing personal.’
‘That’s not like the Changminnie I know and love,’ Yunho nudges him, trying to coax a response.
Changmin’s head whips round to face Yunho, shooting him a dark glare. ‘You don’t know me at all,’ he says coldly.
Hurt crumples Yunho’s face for the briefest of moments before the leader schools it back into the perfect mask he reserves for interviews and Changmin regrets his own cruelty. He’s too prideful to apologise so instead he stands, suddenly desperate to get away from it all and the emotions that threaten to consume him when he’s with Yunho. Fingers curl tightly around his wrist, tugging him back violently before he reaches the door and he stumbles, twisting sharply and shoving Yunho against the wall by the shoulders. Yunho’s back hits the wall with a loud thump, a grunt issuing from his lips and Changmin leans in close, snarling.
‘I want you to leave me alone,’ he growls, pinning his hyung to the wall.
To Changmin’s surprise Yunho merely smirks, ‘that’s not going to happen, Min-ah,’ he says before Changmin feels a sharp kick to his knees and begins to fall.
He growls, grabbing hold of Yunho’s shirt and pulling the man down with him onto the floor. They land jarringly, in a tangle of limbs but Changmin is quick to react, climbing atop his hyung whom is already grappling with his arms, forcing distance between them before he rolls them over, sitting on Changmin’s hips. Changmin snarls, kicking and bucking wildly but Yunho’s thighs squeeze firmly around his waist, using him to keep his balance as they wrestle. Their hands interlock, Changmin pleased to find his slightly larger before he twists just the right way to roll them over again, Yunho landing on his back and he lets out an, ‘oof,’ as Changmin falls on top of him, between his legs. They wrestle for long minutes, sweat beginning to form but Changmin refuses to be beaten, letting out his frustration and returning Yunho’s underhanded pinches and jabs as they roll across the floor.
He’s a little out of breath and they’re too evenly matched in strength for either to win unless one of them tires and Changmin thinks it’s likely to be him first with the horrible dreams he’s been having lately. Yunho kicks at his shins from beneath him, his solid, warm chest heaving to draw in air and Changmin pauses for a brief moment wondering what he’ll actually do if he manages to overpower Yunho. He’s violent by nature but he doesn’t actually want to hurt his hyung, he has no desire to feel his knuckles crack bone or bruise tan skin. The momentary pause and weakness is enough for Yunho to take advantage of and he’s flipped onto his back, Yunho grinning above him in victory as fingers suddenly dig against his sides, tickling him. Changmin’s not particularly ticklish but he has to laugh, arms dropping quickly to protect his sides from Yunho’s attack whilst his body shakes with laughter. He can see Yunho’s bright smile and yanks the man down onto the floor too, paying him in kind with light fingertips over a sensitive ribcage. Yunho squirms, trying not to giggle and his legs lock around Changmin’s as they both try to stop the other’s hands.
‘W-Wait,’ Yunho pants as Changmin discovers a particularly ticklish spot under the leader’s shirt, grazing hips. ‘Truce?’
‘More like mercy,’ Changmin snorts, hands twitching one last time before he gives in and rubs at the tortured skin instead, feeling the skin heat beneath his palms.
As he watches Yunho steady his breathing, grin still on his face but completely oblivious to Changmin’s hands on his bare skin, Changmin feels an odd calm settle over him. Unlike his ex-girlfriend, Yunho is strong, unafraid of rough housing and never flinches at Changmin’s temper. Despite his earlier claim, Yunho does know him- he knows Changmin’s limitations, where to push and how far before Changmin breaks. He studies the sparkle in Yunho’s eyes, black lashes fluttering as the man still laughs and Changmin impulsively pulls Yunho in for a rare embrace. If Yunho is surprised he says nothing, simply wraps his arms around Changmin to reciprocate, pressing closer, their legs still tangled. Changmin breathes in deep, inhaling the scent of Yunho that fills him with so many complex emotions and thoughts. He finds the smell and feel of Yunho comforting and although he doesn’t usually like to be coddled or touched he enjoys Yunho’s hold a little too much and buries his face in the man’s neck.
Slow, soothing circles are rubbed over his back and the gentleness makes Changmin want to cry. His breath hitches and he prays that Yunho misses the sound and the way his breath feels hot and wet against the warmth of Yunho’s skin. Changmin drags in a shuddering breath, summoning his strength before he says, ‘I’m sorry, hyung. Thank you.’ Yunho’s waist feels small but nothing like the fragile curves of his ex-girlfriend and Changmin squeezes tighter, knowing Yunho can take it.
‘I’m always here for you, Minnie-ah,’ Yunho’s chest rumbles softly against Changmin’s as he speaks. ‘Anytime you want to talk or let out stress. Don’t handle it all on your own.’
Fingers card through Changmin’s hair and he suddenly wants to sleep so badly. Now that the frustration has left him, Changmin can only feel exhaustion pulling at his limbs. ‘Thanks, hyung,’ he mumbles, eyes closing.
‘Do you want to talk about what happened with Mi-Kyung?’ Yunho prods gently, still smoothing Changmin’s hair.
Changmin shakes his head. There’s no way he can articulate these sudden thoughts and feelings he’s been having towards Yunho. How he’s become jealous of Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun. How he became rough with his girlfriend whilst thinking about taking Yunho instead. Changmin’s not even sure himself why he’s questioning everything he used to stand firm on- why he’s doubting that it’s merely simple adoration he feels for Yunho and he cannot fathom why it hurts so much to be excluded from something he’d have been sure to have refused if they had invited him to join. ‘She didn’t like the real me,’ Changmin settles for instead and feels Yunho sigh and hug him tighter.
‘There are plenty of people who love you just as you are, Changmin.’
Changmin feels a kiss pressed to the side of his temple and suddenly tears prick behind his eyes. Guilt and regret niggle at the back of his mind, reminding him of how cold he’s been to the group lately and the rough manner he handled his girlfriend in bed. He thinks of how empty he feels at times, callous and cruelly detached to those around him and wonders if Yunho would really love him if he knew exactly what runs through his head. Changmin finds himself wanting to test Yunho’s affections.
‘I hurt her. I was rough with her and I frightened her,’ he admits softly, almost wishing he could hide the words as soon as they are released into the room.
Yunho strokes lazily up his spine and Changmin notices he’s being rocked ever so slightly in the leader’s arms. His hyung is quiet in thought and Changmin feels his insides squirm, cheeks burning in shame and waiting for condemnation.
‘Women are different, Min-ah,’ Yunho says carefully. ‘You can’t expect to have the same relationship you have with your friends or me with a girl- they like to know they are more important and respected. Treat your next girlfriend gently, okay? I understand that sometimes when your words are harsh and your actions a little violent that it’s just how you show affection, but not everyone will get that.’
Changmin mulls over Yunho’s advice and can’t help but think that it doesn’t seem worth the effort. He doesn’t want to tread on tippy toes with a girl for the rest of his life, too busy trying to treat them nicely to ever get to be himself. It’s too fake an existence for him to want and Changmin finds himself focusing on the thought that he wants someone like Yunho, who accepts his abrupt and aggressive nature wholeheartedly and easily forgives and welcomes his little outbursts of violence like the one he had earlier. Yunho allows him to vent and relax- or at least did before Changmin found out the man’s true inclinations and even then, Changmin is repeatedly struck by the idea that they’re both highly compatible. Yunho needs pain and someone to control him whilst Changmin has sadistic desires, needing desperately to vent his frustrations and dominate completely. Once again, Changmin is blinded by hurt because Yunho obviously doesn’t trust him the way he trusts the others. He’s offered his shoulder to Changmin in support but only Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun can find comfort in his body and in turn provide Yunho consolation.
It stings. His chest tight with pain and he pushes Yunho away, pulling himself up off the floor. A jacket sits over the back of the desk chair and Changmin grabs it, keeping his head down in the hopes that Yunho won’t notice the drops that cling to his lashes.
‘I’m going to go for a walk now, hyung,’ his voice is firmer than he’d expected and Changmin is proud as he shrugs on the coat. ‘I need to be alone to think for a while.’
Yunho nods but Changmin doesn’t pay attention, slipping his wallet into his pocket and closing the door on his hyung who’s still just sitting on the floor.
A/N: Still having fun with this fic ^^
Author: vaguelynormal
Pairing: OT5
Rating: NC-17
Warning: slight HET in this chapter only
Summary: Changmin discovers the group’s secret.
And he can’t stop thinking about it.
Previous chapters: 1
Everything changes. Changmin thinks there’s no way it couldn’t, despite Jaejoong’s best attempts. He’s withdrawn and he can tell by the way Yoochun and Junsu are overly cautious around him that Jaejoong has told them he knows. Yunho is the same- their leader still puts in long hours in the dance studio or gym, faces the meetings with their manager, praises Jaejoong’s cooking, Yoochun’s music, Junsu’s voice and Changmin’s intelligence. Yunho is still a mix of reliable and stoic but spontaneous and affectionate, clinging to Jaejoong in the kitchen or Changmin whilst he tries to study. Now that Changmin knows the truth, he sees Yunho’s actions as needy and forced- recognises the effort and exhaustion behind Yunho’s happy and responsible façade.
Changmin has always hated being the youngest- blamed it for his feelings of alienation from the group but he’s beginning to learn from the other’s actions that Yunho is the only one who treats him like a precious maknae and that the group really revolves around Yunho, regardless of the friendships between them all. It hurts more than Changmin would expect, to be valued as less important- disposable- and he spends time out of the apartment whenever he can. Jaejoong always manages to catch up with him somehow and drags him home, forcing him to sit through awkward dinners where four of them are too embarrassed or angry to speak to one another. Yunho doesn’t seem to notice, though he does ask Changmin if he’s having girlfriend troubles.
It’s worse at night, when he’s trying to sleep but finds himself laying deathly still, listening desperately for sounds coming from Yunho, Jaejoong and Yoochun’s room. Junsu always chooses these times to try and joke with him like normal but Changmin can’t bring himself to laugh or insult Junsu like he usually would. In the back of his mind, he’s aware his friend is probably afraid of Changmin judging him.
Weeks later, whilst Changmin is once again, listening intently for noises in the apartment, Junsu decides to finally broach the subject.
‘Yunho’s still the same person, you know. We all are,’ Junsu says softly into the dark, startling Changmin. ‘You can still look up to him as your hyung. We’re still your hyungs who love you- nothing has to change- we still deserve a little respect.’
Changmin snorts. ‘It’s not the same, and it’s a little hard for me to respect someone my hyungs are probably double-teaming in the next room.’
The light flickers on from a lamp and Junsu sits up abruptly, looking at Changmin with outrage and shock all over his features. He shakes his head as if trying to shake off Changmin’s words. ‘You’re so vulgar, Changmin,’ Junsu hisses, ‘I can’t believe you of all people would be so childish and low.’
Changmin turns away to face the wall, unable to withstand the disappointment in Junsu’s eyes. ‘Turn off the light, I want to sleep.’
‘Is it just because of the gay thing? Does that really bother you that much?’ Junsu keeps his voice low, but it’s hard with the fury building inside him.
‘You’re the one who should be worried about that- my religion doesn’t have a hell, hyung,’ Changmin argues petulantly.
‘You know I used to think Yunho was silly to keep this from you- from everyone- and when Yoochun and Jaejoong found out they understood so well, they needed it too. I thought it was ridiculous to keep up this charade just for the maknae, but Yunho insisted that you were protected from it. He didn’t want you to think less of him and now I see he was right- you’re too young for this,’ Junsu seethes and Changmin can hear him throwing back the covers and slipping from their room.
As the room is thrown into darkness again, Changmin returns to his game. Lying perfectly still and listening for sounds in the dark, trying to ignore the way Junsu’s words bring a sting to his eyes.
Months pass but Changmin can’t forget. He finds himself distracted from vocal training and studying, deciding instead to burn off his anger and hurt at the gym. The frustration never seems to fade though and Changmin catches himself staring at Yunho longer than he should, his mind still a mess. He goes out drinking more than he should too, with Kyuhun for company and lets the alcohol ease his tumultuous emotions.
He’s out on one such night, indulging in shot after shot of soju, neglecting the many dishes of food presented to his table in favour of the potent drink when Jaejoong steps into their private room. Changmin scowls, realising from the way Kyuhun refuses to meet his eyes that his friend has called his band member to collect him. It’s irritating but at the same time Changmin is grateful Kyuhun called Jaejoong, knowing how much Changmin is loathe to make a bad impression with his leader. He lets Jaejoong pull him up roughly by the arm, stumbling only slightly as he’s lead out of the restaurant.
Jaejoong is kind, gentle even, as he guides Changmin into the passengers seat. This is normally Yoochun’s role and Changmin wonders what Jaejoong talks about with a drunken Yoochun on drives home like these. Probably something deep, the two sharing a connection Changmin’s never had with another person and he chooses instead to ramble about being perfectly fine and that soju tastes better than wine when it comes back up. Jaejoong’s smile is grim, face tight as he offers Changmin a bottle of water, driving them in the direction of their apartment and not Changmin’s parent’s house where he is supposed to spend the night.
The apartment is dark as Jaejoong lets them in, but this time he doesn’t stumble slipping his shoes off, his band member’s arm lending him support. Changmin has sobered up exponentially over the ride home but there’s still a haze dulling his sense of self-preservation. Perhaps that’s why he wanders down the hall, towards the bedroom Jaejoong and Yoochun share with Yunho, curious to the muffled noises. If there’s a sense of déjà vu, Changmin pays it no mind, nor does he acknowledge Jaejoong’s hand on his shoulder, trying to steer him back. The door swings open with a quiet sigh and dumbly, Changmin steps inside. He’s not exactly sure what he was expecting, or rather, if it wasn’t exactly what he was expecting but nothing prepares him for the sight of Yunho bent over, straddling Junsu’s lap backwards whilst he leans forward to mouth at Yoochun’s cock.
Changmin moves closer to the bed in a daze, his eyes fused to the point where Junsu’s hips meet the curve of Yunho’s ass, his cock stretching Yunho’s skin pink and he’s oddly mesmerized. He blushes, heat washing over him as he turns to watch Yunho’s tongue dart out to lick up Yoochun’s shaft, ending with a suck to the wet, red tip. Yoochun notices him first, sitting with his legs sprawled to give Yunho access, fumbling his own heavy balls and panting softly. He freezes, eyes opening wide in shock but is silent, looking imploringly to Jaejoong who tugs roughly at his sleeve. Junsu is fucking Yunho with eyes closed, hips snapping with the same fluidity he maintains when dancing and his body makes an obscene noise as it pushes into Yunho. His hand works over Yunho’s cock, pumping the leader’s pulsing erection in time with his thrusts, one hand pulling Yunho’s hip back towards him as he pushes forward.
Changmin turns his attention back to Yunho, searching the man’s face for anything that will help him understand. He feels both hot and cold, sweat sticking his clothes to his body, skin clammy as he studies the perfect arch of Yunho’s back. Changmin’s struck by how strange he feels at the sight of his hyung, blind folded and desperately horny between two of his band members. Repulsion is the last thing from his mind- instead he finds himself fascinated, curious at the expression on Yunho’s face and the pleasure that causes Junsu’s muscles to tense, fingers digging into Yunho’s fleshy hip. The smell of sex and sweat is alluring and he inhales deeply, shaking off Jaejoong’s prying hands to take another step closer to the bed, within touching distance.
Junsu finally opens his eyes for a moment, catching sight of Changmin standing beside them and he loses rhythm, hips propelling forward with too much force and Changmin lets out an odd noise as Yunho slips forward, Yoochun’s cock filling his throat. Yunho splutters and Changmin wants to help pull him back up but Junsu and Yoochun hold him locked in their gaze. Fear dances across their eyes and Changmin knows they’re waiting for him to react, to reject them or ruin the moment and the band’s entire equilibrium by exposing Yunho’s secret.
Changmin remains silent, too dazed to speak but stands firm to Jaejoong’s tugging. Yoochun finally helps pull Yunho up, the leader resting his cheek on his thigh as he tries to regain his breath. Junsu stills his thrusts and they all bite back a gasp as Yunho’s hand suddenly shoots out and grasps Changmin’s leg, searching blindly until slender fingers find his wrist, squeezing firm.
‘Jaejoong?’ Yunho asks, smiling softly against Yoochun’s leg.
They all panic for a moment before Jaejoong shifts quietly forward, running a hand through Yunho’s hair. ‘I’m here, baby,’ Jaejoong coos.
Yunho beams, cheeks flushing with pleasure and Junsu and Yoochun let out the breath they’ve been holding. ‘I knew I heard you,’ he says, rolling onto his back.
Changmin has to avert his eyes; it feels wrong to see Yunho this way, without him knowing- without being invited to look and Yunho left so incredibly vulnerable. It is obvious Yunho trusts these three so implicitly and it cuts Changmin like a knife. His band members are frightened that Changmin will reject them but it’s clear to him that he’s the one who has been ostracised- excluded and distrusted; unloved. Yunho releases his wrist to reach for his blindfold and it’s Junsu who leans forward, whispering words seductively, his tone promising more.
‘Leave it on, baby,’ Junsu purrs, ‘we’re not done with you yet.’ His hands rub soothingly up Yunho’s thighs as Jaejoong kneels on the bed to join them.
None of them spare a backwards glance as Changmin exits the room.
Changmin locks himself in his room, his breathing heavy and constricted. He slides down the wall to rest on the floor, clapping a hand to his mouth before the sobs beginning to wrack his body can echo in the empty room. The air around him feels too thin and his throat hurts to swallow around the lump that seems to nestle there. A piercing ring snaps Changmin from his despair and he answers quickly, wiping his face clean with the back of his hand. An odd calm begins to quell the pain in Changmin’s chest at the sound of his friend’s voice over the line and he bites his lip to steady his breathing. The luminous dial on his alarm clock reads eleven-thirty and Changmin decides that’s the perfect time to meet his friend for another drink.
The door slams behind him on the way out, but Changmin is sure no one will hear it.
It gets easier- or rather Changmin becomes better at distracting himself. He takes up boxing, enjoying venting his frustrations into a punching bag and the definition the sport brings to his physique. Kyuhun helps him stay up late, the two playing video games well into the evenings, an ear piece keeping them connected until they’re both barely functioning and need to crawl into bed at three in the morning. He builds too much of a tolerance to alcohol and has no desire to be overly irresponsible or reckless by consuming any more than he used to, so he gives that up, focusing on his Japanese instead.
Junsu spends a lot of nights either on the couch or in the other’s room and Changmin pays him no mind, preferring to be alone, especially at night when his mind begins to wander and he finds himself hard. The four tease him in his dreams, mocking him and Yunho always dances, body twirling gracefully, Changmin’s eyes drawn to his sharp hipbones. He becomes used to waking up with an erection and a head full of muddled thoughts.
A little over a month later and Changmin decides enough is enough and finds himself a girlfriend. She’s a year younger than him and miles away in maturity, often gratingly naïve but she’s clumsy with a sweet face and something about her keeps him mildly charmed. The new situation is easier for the group to adapt to than Changmin would have thought, Yunho giving him words of encouragement and it somehow breaks the tension with the other three who begin to tease him relentlessly. For the most part, Changmin doesn’t mind the ribbing, can tolerate the ridiculous questions of marriage and even Yunho awkwardly trying to broach the issue of condoms which Changmin feels is a little rich coming from a man with multiple partners but he bites back any retorts. He tries to ignore the niggling burn that the four are so happy to compartmentalise him separately from the group when they seem to need each other so much. After isolating himself further from them, Changmin can’t pretend he doesn't need them but he tries to fill in gaps with his new girlfriend.
The girl is modest, polite and slips into shoots sometimes under the wing of her older sister who styles them. She brings Changmin lunchboxes and he smiles, relishing the attention and adoration shining in her eyes. Changmin finds her a little naïve for his liking but she’s kind and pleasing, accommodating Changmin’s every whim. The first time they sleep together it’s in a low-key hotel, the sheets are pale blue and she looks too fragile lying naked beneath him that he finds himself no longer wanting her. She’s lacking in height- something Changmin had failed to notice until she slipped off her heels in the entryway- and her limbs are thin; breakable. Changmin knows he likes power; loves control but there’s no appeal for him in her small, childlike body. Sharp knees bruise against his sides as he takes her - gently, because there is no other way- and though he tries to please her, he feels like they’re both just going through the motions. She’s tight and warm enough to bring him the minimum satisfaction but there’s no thrill and nothing feels quite right about how large his hands look over her small, pert chest.
Despite the emptiness and lack of satisfaction, they stick together for months, Changmin using her as a means to escape the house and she seems content enough. They play at being girlfriend and boyfriend, taking photos together and eating in the very back of restaurants. Changmin knows she’s not particularly in love with him, but rather the thought of him, the status of dating someone famous and successful. Bitterness begins to seep through him as she begins to send messages to her friends on their dates together but he merely hides his dissatisfaction behind a tight smile, holding her hand when he needs to and easily passing as a gentleman because he has no real desire or investment in her.
When they fuck he finds himself squeezing his eyes tightly closed, imagining the big-busted blonde from the porno he’s watched recently, moaning beneath him for more or the long legged woman he saw running in the gym, her thighs straining as her feet pounded the treadmill, flesh jiggling slightly in a way Changmin found himself entranced by before becoming distracted by Yunho stretching, sweat sticking his shirt to his body. Just like that, Changmin finds himself unravelling, heat pooling in his belly and he wraps her legs higher around his waist, imagining Yunho’s strong, dancer thighs thick with muscles. Instead of her breathy pants, he recalls Yunho’s needy whimpers and moans, the eagerness with which his hyung lapped at Yoochun’s erection or the bright smile he was offered when Yunho blindly mistook him for Jaejoong. Suddenly his orgasm is torn from him, intense waves of pleasure overwhelming him and shaking him to his core as he spills into the condom.
He pulls out quickly, panting heavily and though he doesn’t want to break the spell, he meets her eyes anyway. She looks slightly scandalised, not used to this rougher side to him and Changmin instantly regrets letting himself go. Apologies stream from his lips and she just nods, smiling weakly, her limbs stiff and Changmin realises he’s bruised her hips, his own pelvis numb from where he’d crashed it against her body. The next day he sends her countless messages to apologise and two dozen roses and she laughs it off, dismisses him with a brush on the shoulder but it doesn’t stop them from breaking apart weeks later.
Changmin finds it hard to be sad but everyone treats him with pity, from the staff to the group members and his friends. He mostly feels numb, surprised when he doesn’t miss the interaction in the slightest. However, Changmin does worry that there’s something wrong with him- something that leaves him cold and unable to connect with those around him. There’s a sense of hostility around him and mostly people leave him alone, with the exception of Yunho who dogs him for a week trying to get him to open up about the break-up. It grates on him and somehow Yunho manages to get even further under his skin until Changmin snaps and holes himself up in his room. Just when Changmin thinks he’s sent the message loud and clear that he wants to be left alone with Junsu officially moving out of their shared room, Yunho moves right in.
A twitch develops in one of his eyes as Changmin watches the small, tidy room become cluttered with Yunho’s trinkets and rubbish, books, clothes and bottle caps strewn everywhere. It grates on Changmin more than it usually would, tension building whenever Yunho hugs him tightly, images of the leader naked springing into mind and he can’t help but feel guilty that Yunho is sacrificing what little time he has to let off steam to try and coddle him. Instead of flattered he becomes furious with resentment and enraged by the hesitant looks the other three shoot him when he’s with Yunho.
Changmin finally snaps when Yunho bounces over to sit with him on his bed one afternoon. He’s spent a half hour picking up the mess Yunho has made, unable to relax until the room was neat and tidy before settling down to finish his book. Naturally, his leader blessed with the worst timing, chooses this moment for a heart to heart that Changmin never feels like giving.
‘Changmin-ah, are you doing okay?’ Yunho’s eyes shine with concern and Changmin finds his own narrowing in a glare.
‘I’m fine, hyung. I’m trying to read,’ he says pointedly but Yunho doesn’t even flinch.
‘Did something happen with Junsu?’ Yunho asks gently as though his soft tone will hurt Changmin less as it hits home. ‘I know you two haven’t been talking much lately and well, you’ve been shying away from us all.’ Yunho’s hand settles on Changmin’s knee and he tries hard to ignore the warmth that seeps through his pants from that broad palm. ‘Yoochun is always a little moody and reclusive- Jaejoong too- I know he has phases when he might seem to dote on some more than others but has anything happened? You’ve been distant for months now, you won’t even talk about your break up, you won’t even talk to me,’ Yunho sounds a little hurt but Changmin thinks it’s amazing how perceptive the deceptively dense leader can be at times. He knows his members back to front and even though he might not fathom exactly what’s upset their little equilibrium, Yunho always knows when something is wrong.
‘I don’t want to talk, hyung,’ Changmin says to his lap, ‘it’s nothing personal.’
‘That’s not like the Changminnie I know and love,’ Yunho nudges him, trying to coax a response.
Changmin’s head whips round to face Yunho, shooting him a dark glare. ‘You don’t know me at all,’ he says coldly.
Hurt crumples Yunho’s face for the briefest of moments before the leader schools it back into the perfect mask he reserves for interviews and Changmin regrets his own cruelty. He’s too prideful to apologise so instead he stands, suddenly desperate to get away from it all and the emotions that threaten to consume him when he’s with Yunho. Fingers curl tightly around his wrist, tugging him back violently before he reaches the door and he stumbles, twisting sharply and shoving Yunho against the wall by the shoulders. Yunho’s back hits the wall with a loud thump, a grunt issuing from his lips and Changmin leans in close, snarling.
‘I want you to leave me alone,’ he growls, pinning his hyung to the wall.
To Changmin’s surprise Yunho merely smirks, ‘that’s not going to happen, Min-ah,’ he says before Changmin feels a sharp kick to his knees and begins to fall.
He growls, grabbing hold of Yunho’s shirt and pulling the man down with him onto the floor. They land jarringly, in a tangle of limbs but Changmin is quick to react, climbing atop his hyung whom is already grappling with his arms, forcing distance between them before he rolls them over, sitting on Changmin’s hips. Changmin snarls, kicking and bucking wildly but Yunho’s thighs squeeze firmly around his waist, using him to keep his balance as they wrestle. Their hands interlock, Changmin pleased to find his slightly larger before he twists just the right way to roll them over again, Yunho landing on his back and he lets out an, ‘oof,’ as Changmin falls on top of him, between his legs. They wrestle for long minutes, sweat beginning to form but Changmin refuses to be beaten, letting out his frustration and returning Yunho’s underhanded pinches and jabs as they roll across the floor.
He’s a little out of breath and they’re too evenly matched in strength for either to win unless one of them tires and Changmin thinks it’s likely to be him first with the horrible dreams he’s been having lately. Yunho kicks at his shins from beneath him, his solid, warm chest heaving to draw in air and Changmin pauses for a brief moment wondering what he’ll actually do if he manages to overpower Yunho. He’s violent by nature but he doesn’t actually want to hurt his hyung, he has no desire to feel his knuckles crack bone or bruise tan skin. The momentary pause and weakness is enough for Yunho to take advantage of and he’s flipped onto his back, Yunho grinning above him in victory as fingers suddenly dig against his sides, tickling him. Changmin’s not particularly ticklish but he has to laugh, arms dropping quickly to protect his sides from Yunho’s attack whilst his body shakes with laughter. He can see Yunho’s bright smile and yanks the man down onto the floor too, paying him in kind with light fingertips over a sensitive ribcage. Yunho squirms, trying not to giggle and his legs lock around Changmin’s as they both try to stop the other’s hands.
‘W-Wait,’ Yunho pants as Changmin discovers a particularly ticklish spot under the leader’s shirt, grazing hips. ‘Truce?’
‘More like mercy,’ Changmin snorts, hands twitching one last time before he gives in and rubs at the tortured skin instead, feeling the skin heat beneath his palms.
As he watches Yunho steady his breathing, grin still on his face but completely oblivious to Changmin’s hands on his bare skin, Changmin feels an odd calm settle over him. Unlike his ex-girlfriend, Yunho is strong, unafraid of rough housing and never flinches at Changmin’s temper. Despite his earlier claim, Yunho does know him- he knows Changmin’s limitations, where to push and how far before Changmin breaks. He studies the sparkle in Yunho’s eyes, black lashes fluttering as the man still laughs and Changmin impulsively pulls Yunho in for a rare embrace. If Yunho is surprised he says nothing, simply wraps his arms around Changmin to reciprocate, pressing closer, their legs still tangled. Changmin breathes in deep, inhaling the scent of Yunho that fills him with so many complex emotions and thoughts. He finds the smell and feel of Yunho comforting and although he doesn’t usually like to be coddled or touched he enjoys Yunho’s hold a little too much and buries his face in the man’s neck.
Slow, soothing circles are rubbed over his back and the gentleness makes Changmin want to cry. His breath hitches and he prays that Yunho misses the sound and the way his breath feels hot and wet against the warmth of Yunho’s skin. Changmin drags in a shuddering breath, summoning his strength before he says, ‘I’m sorry, hyung. Thank you.’ Yunho’s waist feels small but nothing like the fragile curves of his ex-girlfriend and Changmin squeezes tighter, knowing Yunho can take it.
‘I’m always here for you, Minnie-ah,’ Yunho’s chest rumbles softly against Changmin’s as he speaks. ‘Anytime you want to talk or let out stress. Don’t handle it all on your own.’
Fingers card through Changmin’s hair and he suddenly wants to sleep so badly. Now that the frustration has left him, Changmin can only feel exhaustion pulling at his limbs. ‘Thanks, hyung,’ he mumbles, eyes closing.
‘Do you want to talk about what happened with Mi-Kyung?’ Yunho prods gently, still smoothing Changmin’s hair.
Changmin shakes his head. There’s no way he can articulate these sudden thoughts and feelings he’s been having towards Yunho. How he’s become jealous of Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun. How he became rough with his girlfriend whilst thinking about taking Yunho instead. Changmin’s not even sure himself why he’s questioning everything he used to stand firm on- why he’s doubting that it’s merely simple adoration he feels for Yunho and he cannot fathom why it hurts so much to be excluded from something he’d have been sure to have refused if they had invited him to join. ‘She didn’t like the real me,’ Changmin settles for instead and feels Yunho sigh and hug him tighter.
‘There are plenty of people who love you just as you are, Changmin.’
Changmin feels a kiss pressed to the side of his temple and suddenly tears prick behind his eyes. Guilt and regret niggle at the back of his mind, reminding him of how cold he’s been to the group lately and the rough manner he handled his girlfriend in bed. He thinks of how empty he feels at times, callous and cruelly detached to those around him and wonders if Yunho would really love him if he knew exactly what runs through his head. Changmin finds himself wanting to test Yunho’s affections.
‘I hurt her. I was rough with her and I frightened her,’ he admits softly, almost wishing he could hide the words as soon as they are released into the room.
Yunho strokes lazily up his spine and Changmin notices he’s being rocked ever so slightly in the leader’s arms. His hyung is quiet in thought and Changmin feels his insides squirm, cheeks burning in shame and waiting for condemnation.
‘Women are different, Min-ah,’ Yunho says carefully. ‘You can’t expect to have the same relationship you have with your friends or me with a girl- they like to know they are more important and respected. Treat your next girlfriend gently, okay? I understand that sometimes when your words are harsh and your actions a little violent that it’s just how you show affection, but not everyone will get that.’
Changmin mulls over Yunho’s advice and can’t help but think that it doesn’t seem worth the effort. He doesn’t want to tread on tippy toes with a girl for the rest of his life, too busy trying to treat them nicely to ever get to be himself. It’s too fake an existence for him to want and Changmin finds himself focusing on the thought that he wants someone like Yunho, who accepts his abrupt and aggressive nature wholeheartedly and easily forgives and welcomes his little outbursts of violence like the one he had earlier. Yunho allows him to vent and relax- or at least did before Changmin found out the man’s true inclinations and even then, Changmin is repeatedly struck by the idea that they’re both highly compatible. Yunho needs pain and someone to control him whilst Changmin has sadistic desires, needing desperately to vent his frustrations and dominate completely. Once again, Changmin is blinded by hurt because Yunho obviously doesn’t trust him the way he trusts the others. He’s offered his shoulder to Changmin in support but only Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun can find comfort in his body and in turn provide Yunho consolation.
It stings. His chest tight with pain and he pushes Yunho away, pulling himself up off the floor. A jacket sits over the back of the desk chair and Changmin grabs it, keeping his head down in the hopes that Yunho won’t notice the drops that cling to his lashes.
‘I’m going to go for a walk now, hyung,’ his voice is firmer than he’d expected and Changmin is proud as he shrugs on the coat. ‘I need to be alone to think for a while.’
Yunho nods but Changmin doesn’t pay attention, slipping his wallet into his pocket and closing the door on his hyung who’s still just sitting on the floor.
A/N: Still having fun with this fic ^^