(no subject)
so im going through a crisis.
true gemini style.
i just don't know. i'm really burnt out on beauty school. not that i don't like doing hair. i do. but i don't know. sometimes i wonder if i'm selling myself short. i feel like every time i resolve to do something, everyone is just counting the seconds until i change my mind about it. or maybe that's just what i do, and i have a guilty conscience about it, probably because i assume everyone else notices. (hello, i've gone to school for...3 different things now?)
i know this is ridiculous, but i really don't understand how all of you who are majoring in at least SOMETHING or already did and are already done...i really don't get how you stuck with it. even if you changed it a couple of times, you still stayed in (sarah). i don't know if im lazy, or crazy, or what. probably a combination of both. i just can't (won't?) do it. i've never EVER considered myself to be ambitionless...i always thought i was the opposite. but maybe the way that i want to conquer everything doesn't make me really ambitious. maybe it makes me a ridiculous dreamer/wanderer who is destined to fail. i really don't know!
i want to:
reach into vaginas and deliver babies out of them
be an actual school teacher (french? english? theater? "women's studies"?)
teach fitness classes (yeah dude no one has ever known because everyone knows i eat crap food and i like to nap and they would laugh at that)
do hair
sit behind a keyboard and make happy music
act
design makeup and costume
make babies and stay home all day
travel all the time and be on business trips
and the list will go on and on.
the hardest part is that i think i'm one of those people who can't just do something for herself. i mean, i obviously can in some situations, i love shopping for me me me and all that, but as far as a life goal... i need something else to motivate me. i don't know if i'm immature and being lazy and it will come to me, or if it's something else...having to answer to my family and friends isn't enough. and part of the reason i want to get this done and not start over is because i want to get married soon. but obviously i'm going to move soon, because this town is sucking the life out of me. just like the last town and the one before that. but what is also obvious is the fact that i don't have a boyfriend, i'm nowhere near being engaged, i want to be married for years before i have kids...so what is stopping me from wandering and finding out what i really want to do? having to face my friends and family and tell them that yet again, i can't stick with any decision? i feel destined to fail. paying my own rent will suck too. but maybe i need to...
i just need to have to have someone to answer to, or maybe i'm really not doing what i should be doing. but i dont have any ONE thing that i really want to do...i want to be around more people i love, but the majority of those people will never be near each other. at least none of them are love interests. i feel crazy and flighty and like i'll never be done with school and succeed and have anyone be proud of me. i'm probably repeating myself...
true gemini style.
i just don't know. i'm really burnt out on beauty school. not that i don't like doing hair. i do. but i don't know. sometimes i wonder if i'm selling myself short. i feel like every time i resolve to do something, everyone is just counting the seconds until i change my mind about it. or maybe that's just what i do, and i have a guilty conscience about it, probably because i assume everyone else notices. (hello, i've gone to school for...3 different things now?)
i know this is ridiculous, but i really don't understand how all of you who are majoring in at least SOMETHING or already did and are already done...i really don't get how you stuck with it. even if you changed it a couple of times, you still stayed in (sarah). i don't know if im lazy, or crazy, or what. probably a combination of both. i just can't (won't?) do it. i've never EVER considered myself to be ambitionless...i always thought i was the opposite. but maybe the way that i want to conquer everything doesn't make me really ambitious. maybe it makes me a ridiculous dreamer/wanderer who is destined to fail. i really don't know!
i want to:
reach into vaginas and deliver babies out of them
be an actual school teacher (french? english? theater? "women's studies"?)
teach fitness classes (yeah dude no one has ever known because everyone knows i eat crap food and i like to nap and they would laugh at that)
do hair
sit behind a keyboard and make happy music
act
design makeup and costume
make babies and stay home all day
travel all the time and be on business trips
and the list will go on and on.
the hardest part is that i think i'm one of those people who can't just do something for herself. i mean, i obviously can in some situations, i love shopping for me me me and all that, but as far as a life goal... i need something else to motivate me. i don't know if i'm immature and being lazy and it will come to me, or if it's something else...having to answer to my family and friends isn't enough. and part of the reason i want to get this done and not start over is because i want to get married soon. but obviously i'm going to move soon, because this town is sucking the life out of me. just like the last town and the one before that. but what is also obvious is the fact that i don't have a boyfriend, i'm nowhere near being engaged, i want to be married for years before i have kids...so what is stopping me from wandering and finding out what i really want to do? having to face my friends and family and tell them that yet again, i can't stick with any decision? i feel destined to fail. paying my own rent will suck too. but maybe i need to...
i just need to have to have someone to answer to, or maybe i'm really not doing what i should be doing. but i dont have any ONE thing that i really want to do...i want to be around more people i love, but the majority of those people will never be near each other. at least none of them are love interests. i feel crazy and flighty and like i'll never be done with school and succeed and have anyone be proud of me. i'm probably repeating myself...