the subject just wont come to me...
As often times it happens...I have too much swimming around in my head.
Oddly enough...I am not sure if it is really good or bad...
Premature worries are the worst. I have them often as well.
and bluedragonfly is trying to call my name. I am being strong, I am. It is the little devil on my shoulder. Not sure how to handle that. Yeah.
I do think you should move here and we should marry and have man slave for sexual relations. Just a thought though.
I feel off...drunk...sick...bleh...
I want to cry...I want to cry sooo badly I can feel my eyes burning and there is a lump in my throat. I cannot cry though, b/c I don't know entirely why I would be crying. What purpose would it serve and what would it fix. I need a vacation. a runaway. a trip. Texas. For once I kinda think I need my sister. Wierd. I also need to blow my nose. I am needy tonite.
I am worrying about everything under the sun. I worry about today, yesterday, tomorrow, 10 yrs from now. There is really no point in all this worry. Until someone else seems off too and then you don't know what the hell you think b/c no one else it talking but you so it is a circle of your own worries with no clue whether to believe yourself or not. I sometimes think that all my worrying and nagging and finding negative possibilities and speaking out about them is my way of asking for reassurance. I am NEEDY. I NEED reassurance like every 2 min. If you don't reassure me then I will surely believe that you don't like me or that there is somethings terribly wrong. I don't like the silence. It kills me. but I fear that my worries will be around after you are sleeping. My false worries that beg for you to speak to me, to tell me good things. Sadly...I don't think you know of any good things to tell me other than that you love me. You can love me all you want, but it doesn't change things. It doesn't make this weekend good, and it doesn't make anything final, and it doesn't make US possible.
Why don't I just go pick the captain and cry myself to sleep halfway into it and go to work all off tomorrow. I should be a recluse. I should do a lot of things. I should get off here and stop typing b/c if you have read this long you might read all of this, and honestly I don't think anyone deserves to have to do that. Not that I want to spread my mental instability all over the net, but if I just type it in word then I feel like I haven't gotten anything out. Here...Here though, I feel like I am getting things out and off my chest, even if the ppl reading don't know what half the stuff I am saying is about, and even if the person I should say things to doesn't read it. Maybe Shaun was right, maybe I have an imbalance. Or maybe I should have married phillip, or shaun, or shane, or anyone for that matter. someone.
Is losing once in a lifetime love with too many insecure aspects to it to have a mediocre love with a secure life worth it?
Should I have been early to class?
Should I have made pie?
Should I have hugged you when you asked?
Is star gazing worth it?
Would there be anything left of me without you?
Would my life have much meaning without you in it to help me see the beauty?
It isn't you...it really isn't you...it is the fact that I don't think you can stick around with my insecurities until all your smoke has cleared. I think I can make it...but me making it means MANY long weekends Many long nights...many times with tears and drunkeness and sad letters and worries. many of these. I just don't know if me making it would be worth it for you. And if me being like that has anything to do with you, I don't think that me being like that would make you want the smoke to clear...I don't know if it would make you want US, or if it would make you run back to your house...your home.
And on these many notes of worries and partial thoughts...I am cold, and dirty, and have a stopped up nose.
~*~Lori Jean~*~
Oddly enough...I am not sure if it is really good or bad...
Premature worries are the worst. I have them often as well.
and bluedragonfly is trying to call my name. I am being strong, I am. It is the little devil on my shoulder. Not sure how to handle that. Yeah.
I do think you should move here and we should marry and have man slave for sexual relations. Just a thought though.
I feel off...drunk...sick...bleh...
I want to cry...I want to cry sooo badly I can feel my eyes burning and there is a lump in my throat. I cannot cry though, b/c I don't know entirely why I would be crying. What purpose would it serve and what would it fix. I need a vacation. a runaway. a trip. Texas. For once I kinda think I need my sister. Wierd. I also need to blow my nose. I am needy tonite.
I am worrying about everything under the sun. I worry about today, yesterday, tomorrow, 10 yrs from now. There is really no point in all this worry. Until someone else seems off too and then you don't know what the hell you think b/c no one else it talking but you so it is a circle of your own worries with no clue whether to believe yourself or not. I sometimes think that all my worrying and nagging and finding negative possibilities and speaking out about them is my way of asking for reassurance. I am NEEDY. I NEED reassurance like every 2 min. If you don't reassure me then I will surely believe that you don't like me or that there is somethings terribly wrong. I don't like the silence. It kills me. but I fear that my worries will be around after you are sleeping. My false worries that beg for you to speak to me, to tell me good things. Sadly...I don't think you know of any good things to tell me other than that you love me. You can love me all you want, but it doesn't change things. It doesn't make this weekend good, and it doesn't make anything final, and it doesn't make US possible.
Why don't I just go pick the captain and cry myself to sleep halfway into it and go to work all off tomorrow. I should be a recluse. I should do a lot of things. I should get off here and stop typing b/c if you have read this long you might read all of this, and honestly I don't think anyone deserves to have to do that. Not that I want to spread my mental instability all over the net, but if I just type it in word then I feel like I haven't gotten anything out. Here...Here though, I feel like I am getting things out and off my chest, even if the ppl reading don't know what half the stuff I am saying is about, and even if the person I should say things to doesn't read it. Maybe Shaun was right, maybe I have an imbalance. Or maybe I should have married phillip, or shaun, or shane, or anyone for that matter. someone.
Is losing once in a lifetime love with too many insecure aspects to it to have a mediocre love with a secure life worth it?
Should I have been early to class?
Should I have made pie?
Should I have hugged you when you asked?
Is star gazing worth it?
Would there be anything left of me without you?
Would my life have much meaning without you in it to help me see the beauty?
It isn't you...it really isn't you...it is the fact that I don't think you can stick around with my insecurities until all your smoke has cleared. I think I can make it...but me making it means MANY long weekends Many long nights...many times with tears and drunkeness and sad letters and worries. many of these. I just don't know if me making it would be worth it for you. And if me being like that has anything to do with you, I don't think that me being like that would make you want the smoke to clear...I don't know if it would make you want US, or if it would make you run back to your house...your home.
And on these many notes of worries and partial thoughts...I am cold, and dirty, and have a stopped up nose.
~*~Lori Jean~*~