A regret i wish i never knew
It's an irony to start my first entry on such a sad and deeply regretful note. What i feel now is a crushing sadness i've never felt before. Though i've tried telling myself time and again that it's all over, deep down inside, i guess i'm still unable to face up to the realism that time will never rewind itself and allow us a second chance to fight harder.
I'm truly sorry for being the letdown of the match. The moment everything ended, i never stopped wondering if i could've put in just that little bit more, or have just that ounce more of drive and will to want to win, and whether that would've made a difference. I really thought it would. I cannot help but think of it all the time, and whenever i do, it seems more painful each time to accept the fact that nothing i do will ever change reality.
Nevertheless, I'm really thankful for ze lei, xinyi and yisan who agreed, after much persuasion, to play for the team. Without them, we would never have entertained thoughts of even putting up a fight against schools like tjc. To Tingyu and Xuerong, i really thought you two really well, far exceeding anyone's expectations. Ruiqi played superbly too, and it's the first time i've seen her make so few mistakes. I'm proud of you:) To the rest of the team, i'm really grateful for every single one of you who cheered and supported us through it all. Even to the guys who came, i should say that they can be nice if they want to. Though they can be claimed, thanks for buying the drinks, and cheering us on. Your support was appreciated.
OK, i know i'm blabbering, but this is a very emotional entry, so bear with me. Anyway, it feels really wrong to be so free everyday after school now, and i'm already missing training like crazy. So it's kinda sad to know that you're not needed to go and train after school ever again. But i know i'll never be able to resist going back to play and to help out with the j1s.
AND AND AND. I did something drastic to remember the day we lost to TJC because of my failure to win my match. Piercing my cartilage:) In a way, that helped to lessen the pain, since it did hurt quite a bit when the woman punched the ear stud into my cartilage. OMG you should've seen the way she did it. I must say it wasn't the least bit professional. She just swiped my ear with some alcohol, aimed the GUN at my ear and "piak", it went in. From what i know, you're supposed to shine a torch at the cartilage and mark the spot where there aren't any veins around the spot. But no, she did nothing of that sort. Imagine my horror after i realised that:( It's a good thing i'm hardy HAHA. The woman also said to not eat seafood, eggs and chicken for a week, but OH PLEASE, how am i supposed to not eat eggs when i get one every morning. I contemplated telling my mummy i was going vegetarian for a week due to the trauma, so she won't have to know about my piercing. But sigh, it's impossible. I can't not eat chicken! So please please please, no infection.
Everyone lives their life with regrets. The challenge is whether one is able to learn from it, to live and let go. This will then mark the shadows of a better person. After some quality moping time, i believe i can do it too.