Eureka
I feel like I've been getting to know this person, and I don't like who she is the better I get to know her.
That person is me.
After going through a couple of weeks of progressing depression, I decided to talk to Dan about it. I waited for a while because I didn't want to become a burden on him while he's away, but in the end probably should have just told him outright.
We tried to talk about it, and he kept getting frustrated with me because I refused to "look at my problems". We've gone through this before and I end up saying "I don't know" over and over. He is one persistent little bugger and after hours of confusing you said, I mean, and I don't knows I finally figured out what he was talking about.
It clicked in my head suddenly after three hours into the conversation, that I have been losing my self esteem for the past two years. I guess I believe it started after some poor friend choices I made after I broke up with Kyle, and before I started dating Dan. I had really shitty friends that hurt me really badly in the end.
I began a perpetuating dialogue with myself that included how "uncool" I am, appearance issues, questioning myself, and a general thought of unworthiness. It has really been a downward spiral of beating myself up and I finally hit a rock bottom.
It was like a weight lifted from my chest when I finally figured it out. Everything that I am upset about has to do with my very low self esteem. School, body image problems, being so idle all the time, having no friends, and of course these occasional depressive states that have been emerging more and more often.
Well I have decided to just stop it. I'm beginning a Quest for Glory XXXIV: The Search for Self Esteem.