hello my lovers
so i am drunk. yes. drunk. as drunk as i have ever been. as drunk as i can get without puking and passing out. well, i'm a bit more sober than that now. i did techila shots. i can't spell. actually, i might be doing ok. i can't tell. my head it bend over to the side the right so far that it's almost upside down. i'm just letting my fingers move. as i usually do, i guess. i doh't know. no shift. so sometimes when drawers com abiding up0on our selves. we turn to meet it. bearded me threaten us. we much close our eyes then. beautiful women tempt us. we have opened our eyes again. good! we must learn the wisdom. which teaches us when to do what, where, how, etc. but wisdom is not learned like a program. we are not computers, per se. we are so much more incredible. unbelievable. beautiful. magical. i swear. i will sacrifice myself as jesus did. i won't, though. you know, in all seriousness, the only thing that keep me alive is love. truly. seriously. my connection to others. "connection". seriously. if i wasn't swimming in such beautiful thick love, i would be dead. i would probably still kill myself, even though i'm not anywhere near the level of depression that i used to be. i could still be sooooooo much better, though. i should be better. i know i have problems. but if i can't fix these problems then i don't care for them to be fixed. these are deeply personal. personal in that they are the bottoms of my being's feet. they are what i walk on. as a person. as a center of a life. i will take medicine to help with things like allergies, and even with add, but not this. i take that back. i would. i just don't think that it's "necessary." it _shouldn't_ be necessary. my eyes. keep closing. i don't know what i'm writing. typical. i'm "naturally" fucked up. the reason i put so much ________ whatever..__..on "love" is that it is seriously the only reason that I am "alive". and i am sure that if you ever have, will, or did meet the very bare being of your existence, where you seriously seriously put your _life_ in your hands, seriously, and where you really _want_ to throw it away. it's too painful to hold onto. you think. like hot potatoes. and you have pulled out of that situation. been able to keep afloat. like trying to save someone from drowning. you kick with all of your might. to keep their head above water. and yours. then you know this love. if you do not, then...I don't know. then you haven't reached the bottom. or you do not realize what is going on, which may be a more common case. you don't realize the intimate connection you have to everyone else. to everything else. and by intimiate i mean intimate like the connection you have to yourself. yes. yes.... i no longer see a separation. unfortunately, i have not been trained to truly _see_ this lack of separation. but I "see" it on an intellectual level. so much so that I feel it. I _know_ that it is true. that I am right. if i were not, then i _would_ be dead. not just that i would have been dead a couple of years ago. i would be dead tomorrow. "I" do not live for myself. and anyone who thinks that they do is 1) not clear on what i am saying, 2) stupid, or 3) wrong. i read rumi. i read hafiz. these are _true_ geniuses. other geniuses are smart. yes. but only smart on a single level. or levels that are very near each other. rumi and hafiz (and others, i know, but am unaware of) are geniuses on sooooo many different levels. they saw the universe that our sciences are trying to show us. but that we refuse to see. if we would look at what science tries to tell us without bending it, we would all become ecstatic. or maybe not ecstatic. i don't doubt that that takes a certain organization of...things. but we would understand so much more. i'm through. i'm about to pass out. not because i'm super drunk. alone. but because i'm super tired, too. good night. i really do love you all. because there really isn't any _"true"_ separation between us. "you" and "i" are myths. they only exists on certain levels. good bye myself. hello _myself_. all of us. you and you and you and me. us.
us.
us.