secondhand friend.

[epiphany109]

so im kinda really pissed at megan right now. it would have taken her all of about 4 minutes to get her ass out of the car on her way by my building to say hey, but no. she has work in the morning. i dont see the correlation between her having to work and not saying hi for 5 mins. i was ok with it though and said i wanted to see her at some time to chill with her over break since she lives all of about 1 mile away. then she says " why? if you dont mind my asking?" what the fuck! MAYBE BECAUSE IM YOUR FRIEND! then it hit me, i wasnt her friend, i was just a secondary friend, i knew her, and i knew who she was by name, but unless one of the primary friends were there, im nothing to her. and this is the dilemma. i think shes an amazing person, and a sweet girl, just also a really callous bitch. if she didnt want to see me, but didnt want me to dislike her, she could have just said, maybe later or something to the effect. now im looking back, and wondering how many of these so-called friends i have, and i wonder if theres any real friends out there. i wonder if theres one person in my life that will be there when i fall. and to be honest, i dont know if there are. this is a very disturbing feeling, as i am a very social creature, and i need human contact to survive correctly, but if all my relationships with people are merely fabricated, where do i truly stand? this really hits hard. i mean, im a nice guy and all, but i do admit i can be a bit grating at times. but ive done a lot to fix this problem with myself. its been an ongoing process, and it could simply be that people are sick of waiting for more than the beta version of adrian to finally release, and are giving up on the project. WELL FUCK THAT, AND FUCK THEM, AND FUCK HIM, AND FUCK YOU! FOR NOT HAVING THE STRENGTH IN YOUR HEART TO PULL THROUGH. (sorry went into a staind rant for a bit) but seriously, this is the start of a revelation. im going to soon look at relationships with every living being on this planet, and then assess them closely, scrutinize everything and then look into the real question- are they a friend, or am i merely extra baggage to them? if the former, then ill continue talking to them, if the latter, then fuck off. thats that, it seems. i dont need to deal with fake fucking people. if you like me, like me, if you dont like me, tell me to my face instead of being a shady bitch and pretending to hang out with me only because friends you REALLY have are on the same floor, in the vicinity. thats right, at least i know where one person stands, thank you megan for letting me evaluate my life and clean up the clutter.
oh, and if someone reads this and doesnt like me, leave me a note, so i can further clean the clutter of my life. thank you.