(no subject)
so there is this thing called college...
and sometimes it really sucks!
being on your own sucks!
i mean it has more benefits than down falls. but at the same time there is all this pressure from family that almost doesn't seem worth it. it seems like parents want you to be out on your own, doing you own thing blah blah blah...i mean they've been teasing me about moving out since i was 15, but at the same time i'm supposed to get "permission" before i do anything? but when i ask if i can go out of state with friends they just yell "gah Candice you're 21, you can do what you want...why are you asking?!" well maybe because i know when i tell you where i've been or what i've done you're going to give me the silent treatment for weeks, and when i can no longer stand it and decide to make a home visit i get nagged at the entire time and then asked to leave so that everyone can relax.
garden state, garden state, garden state i love you
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
you know exactly how i feel.
and there is this strain in my heart and mind because i know that the place i'm living is filled with relationships that can pass in an instant, the way most family relationships don't when you're living at home. one argument and you could have to start all over all the while never losing this homesick feeling. you never hear from family you never forget that you could be alone with a passing glance.
i'm sitting here at school watching people so good for each other, just walk away. and i don't understand. and i worry that much more about the people and the person i have come to love.
especially today.
i try to make you feel better when you're having a rough day. that's my job. that's what you say over and over. but everything i do, everything i try, everything you like...isn't enough. ever. ever. i don't know why. i don't know if it's because you are impossible to please. or if you just need to be left alone for awhile, or if i'm not what you need at all. not being able to make you smile makes me feel that much worse about me. why isn't it good enough?
and so i apologize for yelling at you and for not making your day better. and you don't even respond. and i'm reminded once again that it wasn't good enough. that maybe i'm not good enough. and your friends tell you'll they'll hate you if break up with me because i treat you so well. so why can't you smile? and grin and bear it on your "rough" day like everyone else? and it's been so long that i don't know what to do anymore. do i turn around like everyone else? or do i take my own advice and grin and bear it? and grin and bear it and grin and bear it every time i beat you at foosball or tanks, every time you don't do as well as you'd hoped you'd do at work, every time you're tired, every time i ask you to be nicer to my friends....every freakin time?
and sometimes it really sucks!
being on your own sucks!
i mean it has more benefits than down falls. but at the same time there is all this pressure from family that almost doesn't seem worth it. it seems like parents want you to be out on your own, doing you own thing blah blah blah...i mean they've been teasing me about moving out since i was 15, but at the same time i'm supposed to get "permission" before i do anything? but when i ask if i can go out of state with friends they just yell "gah Candice you're 21, you can do what you want...why are you asking?!" well maybe because i know when i tell you where i've been or what i've done you're going to give me the silent treatment for weeks, and when i can no longer stand it and decide to make a home visit i get nagged at the entire time and then asked to leave so that everyone can relax.
garden state, garden state, garden state i love you
"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
you know exactly how i feel.
and there is this strain in my heart and mind because i know that the place i'm living is filled with relationships that can pass in an instant, the way most family relationships don't when you're living at home. one argument and you could have to start all over all the while never losing this homesick feeling. you never hear from family you never forget that you could be alone with a passing glance.
i'm sitting here at school watching people so good for each other, just walk away. and i don't understand. and i worry that much more about the people and the person i have come to love.
especially today.
i try to make you feel better when you're having a rough day. that's my job. that's what you say over and over. but everything i do, everything i try, everything you like...isn't enough. ever. ever. i don't know why. i don't know if it's because you are impossible to please. or if you just need to be left alone for awhile, or if i'm not what you need at all. not being able to make you smile makes me feel that much worse about me. why isn't it good enough?
and so i apologize for yelling at you and for not making your day better. and you don't even respond. and i'm reminded once again that it wasn't good enough. that maybe i'm not good enough. and your friends tell you'll they'll hate you if break up with me because i treat you so well. so why can't you smile? and grin and bear it on your "rough" day like everyone else? and it's been so long that i don't know what to do anymore. do i turn around like everyone else? or do i take my own advice and grin and bear it? and grin and bear it and grin and bear it every time i beat you at foosball or tanks, every time you don't do as well as you'd hoped you'd do at work, every time you're tired, every time i ask you to be nicer to my friends....every freakin time?