I curse a lot. Meh.
So it's 1am and I feel like crap. My stomach hurts and the antibiotics and stuff are making me feel generally bad fucked up beyond belief. Maybe I am feeling the bacteria die. I am laying in bed with my ibook because I don't want to go to sleep. It kind of scares me and I hurt in places.
I have wondered if I would be alive tomorrow at least twice this week, and this month had more death-scares in multiple ways than most years of my life combined. When I was 6 or 7 I had my first asthma attack and stopped breathing for a while, and pneumonia in the same year. I suppose that is the nearest contender.
What makes this week suck more is that a friend of mine told me off a couple days ago, and I don't really want to elaborate on that. It is my fault because I am a flawed person, which is life, so I don't know what to do about it.
...
Fuuuuuuuck. I haven't felt this shitty since I had mono three years ago or something. I want to be with people and it to be morning and someone to be awake in this house besides me. I want to snowboard and drink coffee and go to new years eve parties and stay up too late and kiss some beautiful girl and fall in love and build a sailboat and a huge list of things. I don't want to feel like this and be sick and have to take eight fucking pills every day. I don't want to die.
Karmically I shouldn't be ill. I don't drink or have sex or do drugs or kill people. I don't hate people even. I love people. Even if I am socially reclusive. I love people more than is probably good for me. Fuck.
I want to sleep on my side like I have every day of my life for years and years and years.
This is cliche but I am doing it anyway: There is part of a song that is so entirely accurate to right now, even if it wasn't meant to be:
And everybody knows the way I walk
And knows the way I talk
And knows the way I feel about you
It's all a bunch of shit
And there's nothing to do around here
It's totally fucked up
I'm totally fucked up
Wish you were here
^^ From "Wish you were here" by Ryan Adams
And so I do, wish you were here. I don't even know who. Anybody really. I am going to bed now. It would be nice to see somebody tomorrow, although I don't know if I am even going to drag myself out of bed or be feeling at all better.
love,
Travis
I have wondered if I would be alive tomorrow at least twice this week, and this month had more death-scares in multiple ways than most years of my life combined. When I was 6 or 7 I had my first asthma attack and stopped breathing for a while, and pneumonia in the same year. I suppose that is the nearest contender.
What makes this week suck more is that a friend of mine told me off a couple days ago, and I don't really want to elaborate on that. It is my fault because I am a flawed person, which is life, so I don't know what to do about it.
...
Fuuuuuuuck. I haven't felt this shitty since I had mono three years ago or something. I want to be with people and it to be morning and someone to be awake in this house besides me. I want to snowboard and drink coffee and go to new years eve parties and stay up too late and kiss some beautiful girl and fall in love and build a sailboat and a huge list of things. I don't want to feel like this and be sick and have to take eight fucking pills every day. I don't want to die.
Karmically I shouldn't be ill. I don't drink or have sex or do drugs or kill people. I don't hate people even. I love people. Even if I am socially reclusive. I love people more than is probably good for me. Fuck.
I want to sleep on my side like I have every day of my life for years and years and years.
This is cliche but I am doing it anyway: There is part of a song that is so entirely accurate to right now, even if it wasn't meant to be:
And everybody knows the way I walk
And knows the way I talk
And knows the way I feel about you
It's all a bunch of shit
And there's nothing to do around here
It's totally fucked up
I'm totally fucked up
Wish you were here
^^ From "Wish you were here" by Ryan Adams
And so I do, wish you were here. I don't even know who. Anybody really. I am going to bed now. It would be nice to see somebody tomorrow, although I don't know if I am even going to drag myself out of bed or be feeling at all better.
love,
Travis