SWF for Life
I'm stuck thinking about life and where I am. Where I stand. And I shouldn't compare it with everyone else. I have my own path to live. But I can't help but look onto other tracks and wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Well, not necessarily wrong, but am I holding myself back. Am I keeping myself here out of fear or am I really saving money? Have I convinced myself that I'm saving money instead of branching out and doing something I'd never expect myself to do.
Or am I supposed to be comfortable? Should I just keep being comfortable and not pushing myself to do more? I don't want to regret not doing something. but then there's the anxiety. The all consuming panic that I suck. And I have no faith in my ability to do anything. Will I be able to do real design without a teacher next to me telling me what's good and what's bad?
Part of me doesn't want to fail at something so big. But I can't fail if I don't try. But I don't kow if that's the real reason or if I'm really happy just being small. I'm not competitive. I don't want to be in the spotlight. I dint want to be in charge. I don't want to tell anyone what to do.
But i want a home.
I want a family (right now without kids).
I want to be in love.
I want to get married.
I want to be...happy.
Comfortable.
I've wanted exactly that for as long as I can remember. I don't want to be a home maker. I don't want to be a mom, but that's something different all together.
I feel like I'm biding my time until I get that. Like this "career" is me passing my time until that moment. And what if that moment doesn't come? What if I'm sitting here waiting for something and I've just made myself stuck in a simple thing with a career I really don't care about. And I'm left alone. I want to build with someone.
I feel like everyone around me is building with someone and I'm left on my own. Not knowing where to go or what to do. And now I feel stupid for feeling like I need someone to complete me. For saying that I need someone so that I feel like I've accomplished something.
I don't even know. I've had this headache for 4 days.
I'm tired.
And I'm exhausted.
Or am I supposed to be comfortable? Should I just keep being comfortable and not pushing myself to do more? I don't want to regret not doing something. but then there's the anxiety. The all consuming panic that I suck. And I have no faith in my ability to do anything. Will I be able to do real design without a teacher next to me telling me what's good and what's bad?
Part of me doesn't want to fail at something so big. But I can't fail if I don't try. But I don't kow if that's the real reason or if I'm really happy just being small. I'm not competitive. I don't want to be in the spotlight. I dint want to be in charge. I don't want to tell anyone what to do.
But i want a home.
I want a family (right now without kids).
I want to be in love.
I want to get married.
I want to be...happy.
Comfortable.
I've wanted exactly that for as long as I can remember. I don't want to be a home maker. I don't want to be a mom, but that's something different all together.
I feel like I'm biding my time until I get that. Like this "career" is me passing my time until that moment. And what if that moment doesn't come? What if I'm sitting here waiting for something and I've just made myself stuck in a simple thing with a career I really don't care about. And I'm left alone. I want to build with someone.
I feel like everyone around me is building with someone and I'm left on my own. Not knowing where to go or what to do. And now I feel stupid for feeling like I need someone to complete me. For saying that I need someone so that I feel like I've accomplished something.
I don't even know. I've had this headache for 4 days.
I'm tired.
And I'm exhausted.