On love.
Valentine's Day is coming up and I spent last night and some hours of the morning with the only two people I would want valentines from. Further, I dreamt of them and all I'm left with is want. Waking hours are the least satisfying of those which I spend here. The last sentence was not true. But I love when I dream, even when everyone in the dream(s) point towards a blatant lack of physical and emotional satisfaction.
It is so hard to be the person that I am and not have someone to tuck my hair behind my ears when I'm irrationally frustrated during arguments. It's somehow truly painful that I don't even have hair to tuck behind my ears. I want love and I want palpable attraction and contentment and I want to share me with someone who wants me to share. Love is such a painful nonexistance.
Most of my lj friends were removed. I do not want to have to explain me to anyone except kayla. I keep narrowing myself down to this and that one thing, or sometimes a pair.
I am distraught and eating more than I should and sleeping without regards to time management. I don't want to be depressed anymore. For the first time in a very, very long time I felt separation between me and everything whirling around me. I sat in the bottom of a shower with water so hot it irritated my skin pouring on me for at least 10 minutes, staring at the corner where ground and walls meet and part of me collapsed. I don't want this to happen, because I can't lose myself. There's too much here and I've worked and hoped for too long to achieve this one and only goal that's meant anything for so long.
I just want love so badly that I hurt when I awoke from dreams of having someone hold my hand. I fought to stay asleep. I lost.
It is so hard to be the person that I am and not have someone to tuck my hair behind my ears when I'm irrationally frustrated during arguments. It's somehow truly painful that I don't even have hair to tuck behind my ears. I want love and I want palpable attraction and contentment and I want to share me with someone who wants me to share. Love is such a painful nonexistance.
Most of my lj friends were removed. I do not want to have to explain me to anyone except kayla. I keep narrowing myself down to this and that one thing, or sometimes a pair.
I am distraught and eating more than I should and sleeping without regards to time management. I don't want to be depressed anymore. For the first time in a very, very long time I felt separation between me and everything whirling around me. I sat in the bottom of a shower with water so hot it irritated my skin pouring on me for at least 10 minutes, staring at the corner where ground and walls meet and part of me collapsed. I don't want this to happen, because I can't lose myself. There's too much here and I've worked and hoped for too long to achieve this one and only goal that's meant anything for so long.
I just want love so badly that I hurt when I awoke from dreams of having someone hold my hand. I fought to stay asleep. I lost.