De-pres-sion

[epicjazzjands]

Title: De-pres-sion

Summary: He dreams of waves, of water, crashing over him, consuming him. He dreams of falling down, being pulled down, and looking up to see those people he thinks used to be his friends.

Warnings: depression, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts

Author's notes: this story took six months. more author's notes at the end of the fic

Comments

[epicjazzjands]

No, don't apologize at all! And it didn't come out as nonsense!

Looking back on it, I realized that I was depressed during high school, but, like you, I just powered through it because I didn't "have the time" to be sad, but when I moved away from my family to got to college, everything just hit me, because I was alone and didn't have to worry about family issues while at school. It took me three months of just not... doing anything before I went to a doctor - the therapy was a requirement, and boy am I glad that it was.

For me, I needed medication - my doctor and I tried just the normal "going out, eating right, exercising", but it didn't seem to do anything; I just got worse over time, so he started me on a low dosage, and then we worked up if the lower dosage just wasn't working.

(If you're okay with my offering advice? I'd suggest going to a doctor and then possibly resuming therapy, because I learned that sometimes you just need someone there to listen to you cry and to get it all out. The doctor gives the medical help, and then there's the therapist with the emotional and mental help as well.)

Thank you, and I hope that everything works out for you, because you deserve happiness.

[aes_nox]

Thank you so much for responding.

That's actually...eerily similar to what I experienced.

Freshman year, I went to a therapist on campus weekly, mostly to deal with adjustment, and then after I adjusted to that and things were going well, I felt like I was wasting the therapist's time (but I kept going anyway). I knew I'd need to be back in therapy over the summer to deal with the immediate issues of living with my parents again, but there were insurance issues and I ended up only going like 4 times at the very end of the summer, once everything finally got set up. Back at school for sophomore year, I haven't been back to therapy. And I've stopped journalling, which I think is more indicative of something going on. I clearly have things I need to work through, and I especially need to give myself the space to think things through. There's just so much with school right now, this whole semester, that I never feel like I have space in my head for anything else. (And when I'm home there's so much with my fucking family that I don't have space then either really. I don't know what's beneath all of this. If anything. I don't get what's wrong.)

I think maybe that's what's going on--and I'm sorry that for some reason I'm figuring this out on your livejournal of all places. Just all of that built up something coming to a head. If it could just wait a little longer. Just a couple weeks. Through finals and Christmas. Then I can start to deal with it. Maybe. Of course that's not how it works.

I think I'll resume therapy next semester. I hadn't given that much thought until tonight. So thank you.

<3

[epicjazzjands]

When I first went to my therapist I was scared, because I'd never really told anyone my feelings or described what was going on with me; I'd tried to tell my parents, but my father was one of those people who thought that you could just will away depression, and my mother was so stressed out that I wondered if she'd even remember talking to me if I told her. The campus therapist was such a gift, though, because it was required of me to go (I had to report back to my doctor weekly), and because it was free as well. I went the first semester, thought the medication was working because I was starting to feel better, and then stopped because, like you, I didn't want to waste his time.

But then I crashed second semester and wondered why, because I'd been doing so well - turns out my medication was supposed to be bumped up to the next dosage and wasn't, so the med dosage wasn't working, and I'd stopped going to the one person that I could just let all of my emotions out at without judgment. So, I resumed therapy; it took a while of personal convincing, but it worked out. I was so worried, because I'd stopped going to classes and was afraid that I'd fail because this all happened a few weeks before finals (the perfect time, huh?).

My therapist told me (because my parents kept asking me well, WHY are you depressed and I kept telling them that I didn't know why) that depression just happens to some people, without any reason underneath the surface - the chemicals just go all crazy in your brain and you become sad.

Don't apologize at all! Sometime realizations come to us at random times and at random places - it's just good that you were able to figure things out!

<3 <3