(no subject)
the older you get, the harder it becomes to talk about life. or reflect on it, maybe, everything is moving so fast or too slow and you're always tired and there's never enough time and it takes so much effort to put what you're thinking in order or pen it down or lay it out before the moment slips away.
so much - so much - has happened in the last year. in the last few months. weeks. quitting my job. travelling. overdosing on broadway. funerals. weddings. babies. one baby in particular that i have so much affection for it genuinely surprised me. having a heart attack that turned out to maybe be a panic attack or a potential stroke, jury's still out. and yet, the one thing that compelled me to write this tonight is rage. the rage always wins. maybe that's why i had the faux heart attack.
i have said many, many times that i don't like my sister. i think she's on a whole a very selfish person. very self-righteous, too, and she thinks she's self-aware when half the time i have to hold back a laugh at the completely ridiculous, hypocritical, self-absorbed things she says. i think closed my heart to her a long time ago, when i realised she would always put herself first, and then reframe it like she's sacrificed so much that she now deserves to be selfish. everyone feels like they put other people first at some point, maybe most points, maybe all their lives, i don't know why she thinks that makes her so special.
therapy has ruined her. it's taken every selfish, self-absorbed, martyr thought she's ever had about herself in her life and made them all her reality. it's given her permission to be an asshole because she's just "setting boundaries". it's given her permission to cross lines and hurt others because she's "on her healing journey". it's given her permission to be dismissive of other people's experiences and feelings because she doesn't connect with what they're feeling, and so it's within her rights to accept it entirely.
i think anyone who calls their parents repulsive because they don't show love "the right way" is a turd. i've only ever genuinely found one person repulsive before; a lot of behaviour irks me, a lot of people i don't have patience for, but repulsion is a strong word, and no one has ever come close since my uncle kissed me at a christmas party more than twenty years ago. that's a long time for that record to go untouched. but the absolutely ungratefulness and total lack of empathy towards anyone else's needs but her own? at thirty-five if you're still bandying about "the parents are supposed to..." you need a reality check. parents are "supposed to" doesn't mean most do. maybe putting a roof over your head and food on the table and a stable home environment and financing your education and allowing you to talk to them like they're dirt on your shoe, and giving up seeing their family because you're too damaged to confront a perceived sexual assault from your childhood, and trying their best to follow the boundaries you've enforced upon them, tiptoeing around you because they're so worried they're going to do something to set you off -- maybe none of that seems like enough to this americanised version of you, maybe it doesn't stack up to the suffering you've endured and magnified for yourself, and the compromises you feel you've had to make, but honestly, you should go fuck yourself.
so much - so much - has happened in the last year. in the last few months. weeks. quitting my job. travelling. overdosing on broadway. funerals. weddings. babies. one baby in particular that i have so much affection for it genuinely surprised me. having a heart attack that turned out to maybe be a panic attack or a potential stroke, jury's still out. and yet, the one thing that compelled me to write this tonight is rage. the rage always wins. maybe that's why i had the faux heart attack.
i have said many, many times that i don't like my sister. i think she's on a whole a very selfish person. very self-righteous, too, and she thinks she's self-aware when half the time i have to hold back a laugh at the completely ridiculous, hypocritical, self-absorbed things she says. i think closed my heart to her a long time ago, when i realised she would always put herself first, and then reframe it like she's sacrificed so much that she now deserves to be selfish. everyone feels like they put other people first at some point, maybe most points, maybe all their lives, i don't know why she thinks that makes her so special.
therapy has ruined her. it's taken every selfish, self-absorbed, martyr thought she's ever had about herself in her life and made them all her reality. it's given her permission to be an asshole because she's just "setting boundaries". it's given her permission to cross lines and hurt others because she's "on her healing journey". it's given her permission to be dismissive of other people's experiences and feelings because she doesn't connect with what they're feeling, and so it's within her rights to accept it entirely.
i think anyone who calls their parents repulsive because they don't show love "the right way" is a turd. i've only ever genuinely found one person repulsive before; a lot of behaviour irks me, a lot of people i don't have patience for, but repulsion is a strong word, and no one has ever come close since my uncle kissed me at a christmas party more than twenty years ago. that's a long time for that record to go untouched. but the absolutely ungratefulness and total lack of empathy towards anyone else's needs but her own? at thirty-five if you're still bandying about "the parents are supposed to..." you need a reality check. parents are "supposed to" doesn't mean most do. maybe putting a roof over your head and food on the table and a stable home environment and financing your education and allowing you to talk to them like they're dirt on your shoe, and giving up seeing their family because you're too damaged to confront a perceived sexual assault from your childhood, and trying their best to follow the boundaries you've enforced upon them, tiptoeing around you because they're so worried they're going to do something to set you off -- maybe none of that seems like enough to this americanised version of you, maybe it doesn't stack up to the suffering you've endured and magnified for yourself, and the compromises you feel you've had to make, but honestly, you should go fuck yourself.