(no subject)
a couple of nights ago, i woke up and legitimately could not feel my legs. i rolled out of bed and tried to stand and my left leg crumpled like it wasn't even my own. that's the most terrified i remember being in at least the past decade. even though i knew, logically, that the chest pains were muscular and there was nothing wrong with my heart, and the pins and needles / numbness couldn't be related to that, i still thought i might be having a heart attack. and this is why i will be eternally grateful that it's the norm to live with your parents here, because it means you can barge into their bedroom at two in the morning a sobbing mess, demanding what the fuck is happening why is my body doing this and know that they'll be there to tell you it's okay. or take you to the hospital, whichever seems more relevant.
i should be better to my body. the only thing this episode has taught me is that anxiety can literally paralyse you. the couple of nights before that where i suspected i might be having a heart attack (but also wasn't in enough pain or demonstrating enough symptoms to logically make me believe it), i lay in bed thinking about how i would feel if i didn't wake up. and i was mostly okay. a little sad about all the people i haven't spoken to in a while, and the people i'd be leaving behind, but in general i was okay. that's something to hold on to.
i asked my mum an insignificant question about her life the day after i figured out (for real) that i wasn't in any danger of dying, and it felt like a step towards forgiveness. maybe. it's too soon to tell.
i should be better to my body. the only thing this episode has taught me is that anxiety can literally paralyse you. the couple of nights before that where i suspected i might be having a heart attack (but also wasn't in enough pain or demonstrating enough symptoms to logically make me believe it), i lay in bed thinking about how i would feel if i didn't wake up. and i was mostly okay. a little sad about all the people i haven't spoken to in a while, and the people i'd be leaving behind, but in general i was okay. that's something to hold on to.
i asked my mum an insignificant question about her life the day after i figured out (for real) that i wasn't in any danger of dying, and it felt like a step towards forgiveness. maybe. it's too soon to tell.