little fish in a big lake
so this has been not the greatest quarter ever.
i can't in good conscience say i'm trying very hard to see the positive side of things, but i think i'm entitled to giving in to hating the vast majority of every minute i spend at this internship. i'm learning a lot, and everyone is very nice, but nice is so overrated. i'd like more structure and less disorganization, and more clients not of the 0-3 variety. failing that, i would also take a 5 day work week. i don't think that's too much to ask. 90% of my classmates never had to work a 6 day week in the past two years, and i've been lucky enough to do it twice over. yay me. what luck.
mostly i'm tired of feeling incompetent and stretched too thin. and it doesn't feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel this time; the thought of moving to california - and it does look more and more likely that that's what i'm going to have to do - in the next couple of months makes me feel miserable inside.
i'm not done with this city. i'm not ready to leave it yet. i don't want to give up the little life i've built here for another american city, especially not on the west coast. it's a ridiculous problem to have but i want my walks in the good and the terrible weather, and the chance to put on my ridiculous puffy coat at 35 degrees below freezing. i want to explore all the neighbourhoods and ride the el through all the stops and visit all the theatres and listen to live jazz on a night.
i don't want to leave.
unfortunately, nobody here seems to want to hire me. and the clinic in san francisco sounds amazing, supervision and colleagues who are tight-knit and organized and would go above and beyond for a new clinician starting out in the field. which, let's be honest, is so far from the experience i would get anywhere here it's not even funny. that's the problem with supply and demand, everyone here is so good you're just expected to have it, whatever the hell it is. but look anywhere south or west and your options open up considerably.
every time i weigh possibility against staying, i let my fear of missing out cloud my judgement. i ask, how bad can it be? and the answer is always worse than i've imagined it's going to be in my head. i regret it pretty much every time. it seems clear that what i should be doing is turning san francisco down, and clamoring for a place here. but after the quarter i've had, some actual supervision would be fucking fantastic. an actual learning experience would be unbelievable. but is that enough to give up the city i've come to love so much?
i always thought i could be, at least a little bit, my papa's daughter. but i haven't been able to make the end justify the means. knowing i'm here for a purpose - to learn, to grow - isn't enough to make being miserable for a year, two years, three, worth it. ("holy fuck," my parents-in-my-head said, "you've become one of them."). i'm just confused and frustrated and desperate for the next five weeks to be over.
i can't in good conscience say i'm trying very hard to see the positive side of things, but i think i'm entitled to giving in to hating the vast majority of every minute i spend at this internship. i'm learning a lot, and everyone is very nice, but nice is so overrated. i'd like more structure and less disorganization, and more clients not of the 0-3 variety. failing that, i would also take a 5 day work week. i don't think that's too much to ask. 90% of my classmates never had to work a 6 day week in the past two years, and i've been lucky enough to do it twice over. yay me. what luck.
mostly i'm tired of feeling incompetent and stretched too thin. and it doesn't feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel this time; the thought of moving to california - and it does look more and more likely that that's what i'm going to have to do - in the next couple of months makes me feel miserable inside.
i'm not done with this city. i'm not ready to leave it yet. i don't want to give up the little life i've built here for another american city, especially not on the west coast. it's a ridiculous problem to have but i want my walks in the good and the terrible weather, and the chance to put on my ridiculous puffy coat at 35 degrees below freezing. i want to explore all the neighbourhoods and ride the el through all the stops and visit all the theatres and listen to live jazz on a night.
i don't want to leave.
unfortunately, nobody here seems to want to hire me. and the clinic in san francisco sounds amazing, supervision and colleagues who are tight-knit and organized and would go above and beyond for a new clinician starting out in the field. which, let's be honest, is so far from the experience i would get anywhere here it's not even funny. that's the problem with supply and demand, everyone here is so good you're just expected to have it, whatever the hell it is. but look anywhere south or west and your options open up considerably.
every time i weigh possibility against staying, i let my fear of missing out cloud my judgement. i ask, how bad can it be? and the answer is always worse than i've imagined it's going to be in my head. i regret it pretty much every time. it seems clear that what i should be doing is turning san francisco down, and clamoring for a place here. but after the quarter i've had, some actual supervision would be fucking fantastic. an actual learning experience would be unbelievable. but is that enough to give up the city i've come to love so much?
i always thought i could be, at least a little bit, my papa's daughter. but i haven't been able to make the end justify the means. knowing i'm here for a purpose - to learn, to grow - isn't enough to make being miserable for a year, two years, three, worth it. ("holy fuck," my parents-in-my-head said, "you've become one of them."). i'm just confused and frustrated and desperate for the next five weeks to be over.