(no subject)
growing old up is hard.
or--not hard, i guess, but nothing like what i imagined it was going to be.
some days i wake up feeling like i have everything worked out, like i'm grounded in who i am and what i want, and how i want to get there, and other days i wake up feeling like i'm floating, like i'll never figure things out because you'll never find your footing in life; it's all grey area and no solid ground.
i'm in a good place right now. things i've accomplished lately that i haven't talked about (aside from my trip to see my sister graduate that i haven't posted about yet but absolutely will get around to doing at some point) include:
i feel like i've learnt more about the wisdom of patience in the past month than i have in the twenty-five years prior to that. "you'll understand when you're older" finally makes sense to me. everyone talking about being ready to leave, that makes sense to me. i wasn't ready five years ago; i was desperate, and leaving was a necessity, but i wasn't ready for it. it was the best and worst thing i've done; it cleared my head and fucked me up in so many ways. but looking ahead, i have none of the fears leaving now that i did back then (though i do have an entirely new set of them) and the biggest difference of all is that i'm not worried that going away will change me. not the way i think, or the way i feel, or the values i believe in. and i think that's hard for younger people to understand - i wouldn't have five years ago - and it's just... weird. to look at them now and think i remember feeling like that, but oh, the things you're going to learn.
how did my parents do it? how does any parent do it? resist the urge to grab their child by the shoulders and lock them up the minute they start rebelling because i can't make you believe me, but you'll understand in twenty years that this is the right thing.
all those things that sounded so strange and so laughable a few years ago: "you're going to grow up to be your mum". or "i used to think like you, but things change." it feels like it's clicking into place now. and i'm more focused as a person but less willing to say this is never going to happen. because look how wrong i've been about so much already.
and honestly, mellowing out can only be good for my blood pressure.
or--not hard, i guess, but nothing like what i imagined it was going to be.
some days i wake up feeling like i have everything worked out, like i'm grounded in who i am and what i want, and how i want to get there, and other days i wake up feeling like i'm floating, like i'll never figure things out because you'll never find your footing in life; it's all grey area and no solid ground.
i'm in a good place right now. things i've accomplished lately that i haven't talked about (aside from my trip to see my sister graduate that i haven't posted about yet but absolutely will get around to doing at some point) include:
- taking driving lessons
- settling my visa for grad school
- watching my brother start to figure himself out
- seeing for the first time how much my sister has grown into herself
- realising that i'm not worried about leaving my family on their own anymore
- wishing, for the first time in a long time, that i didn't have to
i feel like i've learnt more about the wisdom of patience in the past month than i have in the twenty-five years prior to that. "you'll understand when you're older" finally makes sense to me. everyone talking about being ready to leave, that makes sense to me. i wasn't ready five years ago; i was desperate, and leaving was a necessity, but i wasn't ready for it. it was the best and worst thing i've done; it cleared my head and fucked me up in so many ways. but looking ahead, i have none of the fears leaving now that i did back then (though i do have an entirely new set of them) and the biggest difference of all is that i'm not worried that going away will change me. not the way i think, or the way i feel, or the values i believe in. and i think that's hard for younger people to understand - i wouldn't have five years ago - and it's just... weird. to look at them now and think i remember feeling like that, but oh, the things you're going to learn.
how did my parents do it? how does any parent do it? resist the urge to grab their child by the shoulders and lock them up the minute they start rebelling because i can't make you believe me, but you'll understand in twenty years that this is the right thing.
all those things that sounded so strange and so laughable a few years ago: "you're going to grow up to be your mum". or "i used to think like you, but things change." it feels like it's clicking into place now. and i'm more focused as a person but less willing to say this is never going to happen. because look how wrong i've been about so much already.
and honestly, mellowing out can only be good for my blood pressure.