it's a forcefield
it's been ages since i wrote in this and it's mostly because nothing happens in my life.
which is how i like it, but that doesn't leave much to journal about that isn't today i had luncheon meat and bread for lunch and spent all day watching tv/cleaning my room/hanging out with friends and then i had dinner with my family and got sick of them an hour in rinse cycle repeat
i've spent the past month trying to figure out what i want, but mostly i've succeeded only at getting frustrated at myself because i wasn't going about it the right way -- "right" as i define it, anyway, because it's probably, objectively, completely wrong.
it's hard not to get overwhelmed when i sit down and think about it, because there are so many paths and so many choices and any number of them could be the right one, and it's hard to figure that out when everyone around you is asking what the plan is and why you haven't got it sorted yet. because it's going to be the rest of my life and i don't know how you jumped into yours without going through the same thing seems like too much. i want to be sure seems trite, and also is constantly countered with but you can never be sure about anything. which is true, but i want to at least be sure that i chose it, and it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to peer pressure, or a misguided attempt at rebellion against parental wishes, or anything like that. i've gone both those routes before and they never turned out badly, but i never ended up sticking with those decisions and i'm always going to be a bit disappointed in myself for that.
but i'm not good at being directionless (i'm not even going to make the obvious boyband jokes here) and i'm not good at being uncertain, and i'm really not good at having nothing to do, as much as i wish i was. i get restless and antsy and moody and i'm generally not the nicest person to be around. apparently this is part of my gene pool--i learnt from one conversation last night more about my father's use of avoidance, denial and repression as defense mechanisms than i have in the last twenty-four years of my life. we have exactly the same responses, which is terrifying because i don't want to end up thinking that throwing myself into work to avoid thinking about the bigger issue at hand is an acceptable response to stress.
but i've been in a self-imposed limbo for the better part of a month now, and it's not healthy, sitting here and stewing in what ifs all the time. so i'm going to go to grad school, get my masters in speech therapy, and hope that i don't hate my life in five years. and if i do, i'll have to sit down, re-evaluate, and maybe start this whole stewing process all over again.
in less waffle-y news, i had a quiet, low-key birthday with my family and lots of cake. i was surprised with gifts for the first time in years, and got to try out an awesome new restaurant. and it was grand. i also went to see ingrid michaelson in concert a couple of days ago, which was a fucking trip and a half because she's one of the rare artistes whose recorded music i don't actually enjoy all that much, but who is so dynamic and amazing live that i sat through two hours of music i didn't know on four hours of sleep without dozing off once.
at some point this weekend i will post about seeing the bourne legacy for the third time and how beautiful life is going to be when tv starts up later this month.
which is how i like it, but that doesn't leave much to journal about that isn't today i had luncheon meat and bread for lunch and spent all day watching tv/cleaning my room/hanging out with friends and then i had dinner with my family and got sick of them an hour in rinse cycle repeat
i've spent the past month trying to figure out what i want, but mostly i've succeeded only at getting frustrated at myself because i wasn't going about it the right way -- "right" as i define it, anyway, because it's probably, objectively, completely wrong.
it's hard not to get overwhelmed when i sit down and think about it, because there are so many paths and so many choices and any number of them could be the right one, and it's hard to figure that out when everyone around you is asking what the plan is and why you haven't got it sorted yet. because it's going to be the rest of my life and i don't know how you jumped into yours without going through the same thing seems like too much. i want to be sure seems trite, and also is constantly countered with but you can never be sure about anything. which is true, but i want to at least be sure that i chose it, and it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to peer pressure, or a misguided attempt at rebellion against parental wishes, or anything like that. i've gone both those routes before and they never turned out badly, but i never ended up sticking with those decisions and i'm always going to be a bit disappointed in myself for that.
but i'm not good at being directionless (i'm not even going to make the obvious boyband jokes here) and i'm not good at being uncertain, and i'm really not good at having nothing to do, as much as i wish i was. i get restless and antsy and moody and i'm generally not the nicest person to be around. apparently this is part of my gene pool--i learnt from one conversation last night more about my father's use of avoidance, denial and repression as defense mechanisms than i have in the last twenty-four years of my life. we have exactly the same responses, which is terrifying because i don't want to end up thinking that throwing myself into work to avoid thinking about the bigger issue at hand is an acceptable response to stress.
but i've been in a self-imposed limbo for the better part of a month now, and it's not healthy, sitting here and stewing in what ifs all the time. so i'm going to go to grad school, get my masters in speech therapy, and hope that i don't hate my life in five years. and if i do, i'll have to sit down, re-evaluate, and maybe start this whole stewing process all over again.
in less waffle-y news, i had a quiet, low-key birthday with my family and lots of cake. i was surprised with gifts for the first time in years, and got to try out an awesome new restaurant. and it was grand. i also went to see ingrid michaelson in concert a couple of days ago, which was a fucking trip and a half because she's one of the rare artistes whose recorded music i don't actually enjoy all that much, but who is so dynamic and amazing live that i sat through two hours of music i didn't know on four hours of sleep without dozing off once.
at some point this weekend i will post about seeing the bourne legacy for the third time and how beautiful life is going to be when tv starts up later this month.