(no subject)
this is not how i saw my weekend going.
spending 4 hours in the hospital watching over my brother praying that he isn't concussed, that he's not in too much pain, that the ct scan the doctors decided needs to be ordered will show that everything's in order. the accident was so. messed up. it happened so fast. i was watching and i didn't even see what happened.
people said his kart flipped twice, that he was pinned beneath it, that he passed out. then people said he walking around talking, people said he was okay, and then that he'd been taken to the hospital. the whole time i just thought i'm a psychologist. i've been studying trauma fucking psychology for four months. i should know what to do. i grabbed my mother and my brother, got our stuff, sent a thank you to everyone looking out for us who called found out which hospital they'd gone to and got us a car, and then we just took off.
i thought i was doing a pretty good job of holding it together. and then we got to the hospital and saw him. jesus fucking christ. i never want to have to do this again. he looked so small on that stupid hospital bed with blood fucking everywhere and his neck in that cast and the doctors kept saying he was fine, that it was probably just a fracture, and he just looked at us and smiled and said, "i'm fine, don't worry."
how i didn't just go to pieces, i have no idea. and when they splintered his shoulder, he was in so much pain and it just broke my fucking heart. he could've died. HE COULD HAVE DIED. that's not supposed to happen. he turns 17 next week and HE COULD HAVE DIED. i keep thinking he must have been so scared in that kart, when it flipped, when he was thrown out of it, he must have been so fucking scared.
i thought i was coming to see him win his first asian karting open championship this weekend. he would have, if this hadn't happened. i don't even know how i feel right now, i'm just so confused. i just want him on a plane with us to singapore right now. i want him home and safe and well. that's all.
spending 4 hours in the hospital watching over my brother praying that he isn't concussed, that he's not in too much pain, that the ct scan the doctors decided needs to be ordered will show that everything's in order. the accident was so. messed up. it happened so fast. i was watching and i didn't even see what happened.
people said his kart flipped twice, that he was pinned beneath it, that he passed out. then people said he walking around talking, people said he was okay, and then that he'd been taken to the hospital. the whole time i just thought i'm a psychologist. i've been studying trauma fucking psychology for four months. i should know what to do. i grabbed my mother and my brother, got our stuff, sent a thank you to everyone looking out for us who called found out which hospital they'd gone to and got us a car, and then we just took off.
i thought i was doing a pretty good job of holding it together. and then we got to the hospital and saw him. jesus fucking christ. i never want to have to do this again. he looked so small on that stupid hospital bed with blood fucking everywhere and his neck in that cast and the doctors kept saying he was fine, that it was probably just a fracture, and he just looked at us and smiled and said, "i'm fine, don't worry."
how i didn't just go to pieces, i have no idea. and when they splintered his shoulder, he was in so much pain and it just broke my fucking heart. he could've died. HE COULD HAVE DIED. that's not supposed to happen. he turns 17 next week and HE COULD HAVE DIED. i keep thinking he must have been so scared in that kart, when it flipped, when he was thrown out of it, he must have been so fucking scared.
i thought i was coming to see him win his first asian karting open championship this weekend. he would have, if this hadn't happened. i don't even know how i feel right now, i'm just so confused. i just want him on a plane with us to singapore right now. i want him home and safe and well. that's all.