life :/
legit making sadfaces about having to go into work tomorrow.
idk, it's not even--like, being at work is fine. i don't mind the hours, or even the waking up at ungodly hours to deal with it (okay, no, i do mind, i just don't mind enough to let it ruin my life) but every night i lie in bed stressing out about having to approach people on my own, and it's like apowskd;ljgfog WHY. WHY. i keep picking professions / work places that require me to do things that i hate / am uncomfortable doing and the first time i really try to break that streak, THE COMPANY DOESN'T TELL ME UP FRONT THAT IT'S GOING TO BE EXACTLY WHAT I AM TRYING TO AVOID.
we're not introduced to the psychologists. like, AT ALL. no one even sends out an email to be, like, hay guys there's a new intern so don't worry if you see a creeper hanging around it's probably just her~ or whatever. like, we literally have to stalk each individual psychologist's schedule and hang around their offices 15 minutes before/after they have a session if we want any chance of introducing ourselves to them, never mind having an actual conversation about, you know, THERAPY.
it's so fucked up, but the longer i put off the stalking, the more stressed out i get, and the more time i waste tossing and turning in bed every night wondering what to do about it. in a couple of weeks i'm going to have to start asking these psychologists if i can sit in on their sessions, and if i haven't at least said hi by then, there's no way i'll be able to make that happen.
but the thought of having to go up to fifteen different people and find ways to introduce myself without being a nuisance or taking up too much of their time is akjsdhofglbkdnjrsdjkg. it's not fun. it's probably on my list of things i would NEVER EVER EVER EVER DO in any other circumstance. plus they're always SO BUSY. just looking at them makes you feel guilty because you're probably eating into their time. they're all fantastically lovely - at least the few i've managed to speak to have been - so it shouldn't be this hard, but for some reason they ALL make you feel like they're incredibly busy (which i'm sure they are) and that there's just no time for small talk. which makes me feel even smaller, and i get all :///// before i even open my mouth, and then i just DON'T, and then i feel stupid when they leave the room like ten seconds after that.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS.
and i'm annoyed that i feel like i have to! i'm at a point where i feel like i've mostly come to terms with who i am as a person and i don't like feeling like i have to change that. it's too hard, and it wasn't a change i was looking to make. i am not a people person. i am socially awkward. it is incredibly difficult to get me to like you as a person, much less want to try to make you like me back. the only people i actually want to have conversations with are usually the people i'm already friends with. THAT IS A LOT OF SOCIALIZING INERTIA RIGHT THERE. and the stalking aspect does not make this one bit more comfortable for me.
i keep telling myself JUST RELAX, DON'T OVERTHINK IT, AND GO WITH YOUR GENUINE ENTHUSIASM FOR THE SUBJECT. you have questions, just ask them! say hi! IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT. and then i see these stony, blank faces typing frantically at the computer or running from room to room, and i just don't know that i have anything to say that would make stopping them worth their time.
just--if i'd known, if they'd SAID, in the interview that we wouldn't be assigned to a particular psychologist, that we'd have to CHASE AFTER THE PSYCHOLOGISTS ON OUR GODDAMN OWN, i would never have taken this job in the first place. i would've said thanks but no thanks, i'll go with my other placement, this environment isn't going to be the right fit for me.
i know this isn't something anyone else can help me fix, because it's a me-problem, and for a lot of people this probably wouldn't even be an issue, but ASDKLJFGFDG I AM SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF AND WITH THIS SITUATION AND WITH EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. AND THERE'S STILL SEVEN FUCKING WEEKS TO GO, WHY.
idk, it's not even--like, being at work is fine. i don't mind the hours, or even the waking up at ungodly hours to deal with it (okay, no, i do mind, i just don't mind enough to let it ruin my life) but every night i lie in bed stressing out about having to approach people on my own, and it's like apowskd;ljgfog WHY. WHY. i keep picking professions / work places that require me to do things that i hate / am uncomfortable doing and the first time i really try to break that streak, THE COMPANY DOESN'T TELL ME UP FRONT THAT IT'S GOING TO BE EXACTLY WHAT I AM TRYING TO AVOID.
we're not introduced to the psychologists. like, AT ALL. no one even sends out an email to be, like, hay guys there's a new intern so don't worry if you see a creeper hanging around it's probably just her~ or whatever. like, we literally have to stalk each individual psychologist's schedule and hang around their offices 15 minutes before/after they have a session if we want any chance of introducing ourselves to them, never mind having an actual conversation about, you know, THERAPY.
it's so fucked up, but the longer i put off the stalking, the more stressed out i get, and the more time i waste tossing and turning in bed every night wondering what to do about it. in a couple of weeks i'm going to have to start asking these psychologists if i can sit in on their sessions, and if i haven't at least said hi by then, there's no way i'll be able to make that happen.
but the thought of having to go up to fifteen different people and find ways to introduce myself without being a nuisance or taking up too much of their time is akjsdhofglbkdnjrsdjkg. it's not fun. it's probably on my list of things i would NEVER EVER EVER EVER DO in any other circumstance. plus they're always SO BUSY. just looking at them makes you feel guilty because you're probably eating into their time. they're all fantastically lovely - at least the few i've managed to speak to have been - so it shouldn't be this hard, but for some reason they ALL make you feel like they're incredibly busy (which i'm sure they are) and that there's just no time for small talk. which makes me feel even smaller, and i get all :///// before i even open my mouth, and then i just DON'T, and then i feel stupid when they leave the room like ten seconds after that.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS.
and i'm annoyed that i feel like i have to! i'm at a point where i feel like i've mostly come to terms with who i am as a person and i don't like feeling like i have to change that. it's too hard, and it wasn't a change i was looking to make. i am not a people person. i am socially awkward. it is incredibly difficult to get me to like you as a person, much less want to try to make you like me back. the only people i actually want to have conversations with are usually the people i'm already friends with. THAT IS A LOT OF SOCIALIZING INERTIA RIGHT THERE. and the stalking aspect does not make this one bit more comfortable for me.
i keep telling myself JUST RELAX, DON'T OVERTHINK IT, AND GO WITH YOUR GENUINE ENTHUSIASM FOR THE SUBJECT. you have questions, just ask them! say hi! IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT. and then i see these stony, blank faces typing frantically at the computer or running from room to room, and i just don't know that i have anything to say that would make stopping them worth their time.
just--if i'd known, if they'd SAID, in the interview that we wouldn't be assigned to a particular psychologist, that we'd have to CHASE AFTER THE PSYCHOLOGISTS ON OUR GODDAMN OWN, i would never have taken this job in the first place. i would've said thanks but no thanks, i'll go with my other placement, this environment isn't going to be the right fit for me.
i know this isn't something anyone else can help me fix, because it's a me-problem, and for a lot of people this probably wouldn't even be an issue, but ASDKLJFGFDG I AM SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF AND WITH THIS SITUATION AND WITH EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. AND THERE'S STILL SEVEN FUCKING WEEKS TO GO, WHY.