(no subject)
Lately I have been feeling some combination of apathy and ennui. There's nothing to do, and I've lost interest in attempting to do anything. All I want to do is to stay at home and read. I mean, I like reading, but I also usually like making contact with people outside of my immediate family.
I don't know why this happens when I come home for a break from school. When I'm at school, and it's a Friday night and I'm sitting in my room alone, I feel bad about myself and I wonder why I have no plans, or why no one has called me with plans. When I'm at home and it's a Friday night and I'm sitting around by myself, all I can think of is, "Eh, whatever." Sometimes I think that when I'm at home and when I'm at school, I am almost two different people. I don't like it.
What I also don't like is that when I get home, many of my insecurities, which I thought I had mostly overcome, come right back. For instance, last night I went with my parents to my sister's basketball game (at good old Albertus!) and I was struck by the thought that I was going to most likely see people I knew. And they were going to see me with my parents and think I was some sort of loser who hangs out with her parents during winter break, etc. And what if I made eye contact with someone I knew, and I had to say hello to them, but they really didn't want to talk to me, and it was awkward? Or what if I ignored someone, but they had actually wanted to say hello, and then they thought that I was just being a bitch? Seriously, this is what I was thinking as we got to the school. And none of it happened.
Later I thought about this, and I was mad at myself. I had at some point reverted back to insecure Kaitlin of 2 years ago. Honest to God, I really used to think like that. While the Kaitlin of today is still often insecure, I'm not that ridiculous. I revel in saying hello to people I don't care about and having it be as awkward as possible. I don't know why I suddenly cared about what these people were thinking of me, because in reality I know that they just don't care about me, and I just don't care about them.
I think what I need is the New Orleans trip. I'm really hoping that it will put me back into my right frame of mind.
On an unrelated note, I have at least accomplished something: I've actually gone running the past 2 days. Yes, actual exercise.
Also, I finished reading Les Miserables. Yes, the 1200 page novel of epic proportions. It was an epic undertaking, but it was worth it.