(no subject)
I think I've finally come to a decision regarding a very personal matter concerning my best friend Laura.
Pretty much ever since Laura had to re-locate to Port St. Lucie, FL., I haven't been right either with myself or my life in general. Indeed, I must admit that there will always be a part of me that will never be able to sit right with her no longer being a presence in my life. Ever since she moved, got sick very suddenly with MS, and now no longer keeps in touch with me anymore - my abandonment issue had been surfacing like never before, it seemed.
I had spent a great deal of time, energy, therapy, and tears - trying to come to a greater peace about everything that's gone on with her. I've gone back and forth with all the rationalizations, justifications, and especially analyzations - of what the "real" reasons are of why she won't even take ANY of my calls, or write back to ANY of my hand-written letters, Emails, or comments on Myspace.
I know I have a full life - my internship at Random House, my schooling at Hunter University, my Wisdom Circle, helping the homeless once a week, being both a youth councilor and psychic councilor, my writing, my family & friends etc. - but Laura was my one and only "go-to" person in my life; my single "Keeper of the Power", so to speak. We not only had an extremely close best-friend relationship, but we had established an extraordinary spiritual relationship ever since the evening we came to call "The Night Of Our Dialogue" (I will ellaborate more in future entries about what this night was all about).
With her in the room, I was able to see myself as the sort of human being I desperately want and hope I am. She also was the one that first introduced me to "Conversations With God".
Note: please ask me what this is! lol
Laura never judged me. She never got angry with me. She was ALWAYS there for me, come what may; always offering god-like kindness, true understanding, seemingly limitless patience, transforming wisdom, compassion, and what caused me to be in absolute awe of her - Laura's unconditional love.
Laura saw the best in everything I did, and as perception creates reality, I felt when I was with her that I manifested the best possible version of myself, - unconditionally loving, kind, altruistic, generous, empathic, patient, compassionate, understanding, wise, - basically all the virtuous aspects of the human condition. With Laura in my life, I felt that I was all the things I hope and wish to be. The fact that she believed so much good of me allowed me to, however momentarily, actively manifest what she saw and reacted to, because the very fact of her reaction meant it must have somehow been real.
Yet, as I stated before, I have finally come to a decision. I know I've spent a great deal of my time and energy feeling very depressed, angry, so deeply hurt, terribly lost, and of course - abandoned. But I need to know that I can still be OK whether she's in my life or not, and I don't think I can honestly say, in good conscience, that I really feel that way as of yet.
The decision is this: I will FOREVER love Laura. My love for her, our love for each other, truly is forever, it's eternal. But unless refering to the past, there is no friendship to speak of. And so, I MUST take my friendship with her, take my love for her, take her love for me - and put that away in my heart.
I must move on, and for real this time! Both in mind and heart, I must begin to see how I can live without Laura, and not only be OK, but "return to myself" and at last let there be peace in heart/soul about her. My life is like my love - it's a revolving door. She, like many others, is always much more than welcome to come back into my life. Love would never turn anyone away. I will not.
But, . . . it's at last time I think, I feel ready now, to move on . . . .
Pretty much ever since Laura had to re-locate to Port St. Lucie, FL., I haven't been right either with myself or my life in general. Indeed, I must admit that there will always be a part of me that will never be able to sit right with her no longer being a presence in my life. Ever since she moved, got sick very suddenly with MS, and now no longer keeps in touch with me anymore - my abandonment issue had been surfacing like never before, it seemed.
I had spent a great deal of time, energy, therapy, and tears - trying to come to a greater peace about everything that's gone on with her. I've gone back and forth with all the rationalizations, justifications, and especially analyzations - of what the "real" reasons are of why she won't even take ANY of my calls, or write back to ANY of my hand-written letters, Emails, or comments on Myspace.
I know I have a full life - my internship at Random House, my schooling at Hunter University, my Wisdom Circle, helping the homeless once a week, being both a youth councilor and psychic councilor, my writing, my family & friends etc. - but Laura was my one and only "go-to" person in my life; my single "Keeper of the Power", so to speak. We not only had an extremely close best-friend relationship, but we had established an extraordinary spiritual relationship ever since the evening we came to call "The Night Of Our Dialogue" (I will ellaborate more in future entries about what this night was all about).
With her in the room, I was able to see myself as the sort of human being I desperately want and hope I am. She also was the one that first introduced me to "Conversations With God".
Note: please ask me what this is! lol
Laura never judged me. She never got angry with me. She was ALWAYS there for me, come what may; always offering god-like kindness, true understanding, seemingly limitless patience, transforming wisdom, compassion, and what caused me to be in absolute awe of her - Laura's unconditional love.
Laura saw the best in everything I did, and as perception creates reality, I felt when I was with her that I manifested the best possible version of myself, - unconditionally loving, kind, altruistic, generous, empathic, patient, compassionate, understanding, wise, - basically all the virtuous aspects of the human condition. With Laura in my life, I felt that I was all the things I hope and wish to be. The fact that she believed so much good of me allowed me to, however momentarily, actively manifest what she saw and reacted to, because the very fact of her reaction meant it must have somehow been real.
Yet, as I stated before, I have finally come to a decision. I know I've spent a great deal of my time and energy feeling very depressed, angry, so deeply hurt, terribly lost, and of course - abandoned. But I need to know that I can still be OK whether she's in my life or not, and I don't think I can honestly say, in good conscience, that I really feel that way as of yet.
The decision is this: I will FOREVER love Laura. My love for her, our love for each other, truly is forever, it's eternal. But unless refering to the past, there is no friendship to speak of. And so, I MUST take my friendship with her, take my love for her, take her love for me - and put that away in my heart.
I must move on, and for real this time! Both in mind and heart, I must begin to see how I can live without Laura, and not only be OK, but "return to myself" and at last let there be peace in heart/soul about her. My life is like my love - it's a revolving door. She, like many others, is always much more than welcome to come back into my life. Love would never turn anyone away. I will not.
But, . . . it's at last time I think, I feel ready now, to move on . . . .