(no subject)
It feels like an endless, reckless, cruel cycle. I see this has potential -- a lot of it -- but the doubt creeps in, seeps in, and I can't sleep, I can't breathe, I can't think of anything except how wrong this could go. I let down a wall, I let you in, and that's a way to get hurt, a way for you to hurt me -- a way for one more person to let me down. I don't know if it's worth it, to let myself feel anything at all -- to fall into this trap, as it always seems to be. What's the gain in this?
You're supposed to make me feel beautiful; you have, but today you didn't. Today, I feel inadequate; today I feel like I have felt so many times: like I'm just not good enough. If I had the guts, if I wasn't scared that I would ruin everything that COULD be, I'd tell you, right now, that I'm angry. It's stupid, I guess, but I never complain when you listen to your music, even though I hate most of it; I guess it wouldn't matter if I didn't see you every other day and sometimes more, and listen to your music. You listened to my music for all of 30 minutes today; you didn't have anything nice to say, and you didn't even hold back the fact that you didn't like it, and you didn't stop to think it might bother me when you make fun of things I like. You probably didn't mean anything by it, but I wanted to hit you.
And your lack of ability to give this a definition. So you rushed into your last relationship - who hasn't done that one or ten times? You spend your free time with me, you walk me to and from class and you kiss me hello, goodbye, and you hold my hand in public. By definition, you're my boyfriend -- if I can swallow my pride, my fears, and be with you in ways I don't trust myself to be with anyone anymore, then you can suck it up and admit you're my fucking boyfriend, ok? I want to say this to you, right to your face; but I'm a strong willed person, I get my way when I find it necessary, and I know that if I stand up now and show you that I'm stronger than you think I am, than anyone thinks I am, you'll go running and I'll miss out on something that could be good.
And I know you don't know this, and that's not your fault (not that you've asked a single thing about my past, and I haven't asked about yours) but when you make comments about how funny it is that I say I'm going to exercise tomorrow and then don't, and then say the same thing the next day -- you make me want to throw up. When you talk about the fact we need to be careful eating fast food, even just in passing or in concern for health, I want to throw up. I starved myself once, I threw up and exercised, and hated my body so much that I was willing to just die than to live with the body I had. YOU'RE NOT HELPING. You don't know and I can't fault you for that, but I can only take so much before I snap, and you're going to find out the wrong way, and you're going to find out a lot more than you probably want to know.
Bouncing back to the "boyfriend" issue -- you say you want to take it slow? You don't want to rush into things? I find it funny you say those things, but you don't put the brakes on when it comes to sex. Well, since you're so concerned about rushing, I'll be sure to put the brakes on next time so we can protect your fragile little heart.
I mean a lot of what I'm saying, but I'm angry right now. I could say them differently, say them nicer and in a non-offensive way, but I'm pissed of so I'm going to write it all down, just like this, and remember later when I think about how perfect you are.
You're supposed to make me feel beautiful; you have, but today you didn't. Today, I feel inadequate; today I feel like I have felt so many times: like I'm just not good enough. If I had the guts, if I wasn't scared that I would ruin everything that COULD be, I'd tell you, right now, that I'm angry. It's stupid, I guess, but I never complain when you listen to your music, even though I hate most of it; I guess it wouldn't matter if I didn't see you every other day and sometimes more, and listen to your music. You listened to my music for all of 30 minutes today; you didn't have anything nice to say, and you didn't even hold back the fact that you didn't like it, and you didn't stop to think it might bother me when you make fun of things I like. You probably didn't mean anything by it, but I wanted to hit you.
And your lack of ability to give this a definition. So you rushed into your last relationship - who hasn't done that one or ten times? You spend your free time with me, you walk me to and from class and you kiss me hello, goodbye, and you hold my hand in public. By definition, you're my boyfriend -- if I can swallow my pride, my fears, and be with you in ways I don't trust myself to be with anyone anymore, then you can suck it up and admit you're my fucking boyfriend, ok? I want to say this to you, right to your face; but I'm a strong willed person, I get my way when I find it necessary, and I know that if I stand up now and show you that I'm stronger than you think I am, than anyone thinks I am, you'll go running and I'll miss out on something that could be good.
And I know you don't know this, and that's not your fault (not that you've asked a single thing about my past, and I haven't asked about yours) but when you make comments about how funny it is that I say I'm going to exercise tomorrow and then don't, and then say the same thing the next day -- you make me want to throw up. When you talk about the fact we need to be careful eating fast food, even just in passing or in concern for health, I want to throw up. I starved myself once, I threw up and exercised, and hated my body so much that I was willing to just die than to live with the body I had. YOU'RE NOT HELPING. You don't know and I can't fault you for that, but I can only take so much before I snap, and you're going to find out the wrong way, and you're going to find out a lot more than you probably want to know.
Bouncing back to the "boyfriend" issue -- you say you want to take it slow? You don't want to rush into things? I find it funny you say those things, but you don't put the brakes on when it comes to sex. Well, since you're so concerned about rushing, I'll be sure to put the brakes on next time so we can protect your fragile little heart.
I mean a lot of what I'm saying, but I'm angry right now. I could say them differently, say them nicer and in a non-offensive way, but I'm pissed of so I'm going to write it all down, just like this, and remember later when I think about how perfect you are.