(no subject)
I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend who likes me and thinks i'm something. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around that. I'm stressed out all the time for no reason, i need to calm down and i don't know how. I've gained weight because i am stressed out, which i don't like. I know i sound just accept the fact that he likes me and likes being with me, but i just can't. I'm contantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, i'm waiting for him to break up with me and just end it, because that's what usually happens. I think about calling him at least 10 times a day and telling him we should break up, because i don't know what to do. I can't believe that he actually likes me. And all my self-worth issues are coming out, i don't think i have anything to offer him in our realtionship. It feels so uneven to me, which is also a source of the stress. I don't think i am up to par with him or will ever be. He'll graduate this year and he'll have a degree and i won't, and i also need to get a better job, because again, i need to meet his level. I need to be as good as he is, or at least how i percive him. I think he's too good for me, i don't think i'll ever been good enough for him.
I don't know if all this is triggered by the fact that he's back in LA for school, or all of this emotion was bound to bubble to the surface at some point. This just seems easier for other people, at least on the outside. I don't know if other people feel this kind of turmoil when they are in relationships, but i'm willing to guess that most people don't have the same issues that i have that make relationships this hard. I know it stems from my trust issues and self-worth issues, but i just don't know what to do to make it easier for me to be with him. I don't know if he's having the same doubts and feelings, i don't think he is, but he hasn't said anything and i would hope that he would if he was feeling the way i am.
I hope that he really wants to be with me and that he isn't just doing this because he thinks i'm all he could get, and he was desperate to get laid and i was willing and there and thought he was ok and cute enough. I hope he actually likes me as a person, body type and all, even though i know i possibly won't believe him. It would still be nice to think that someone saw something in me that they wanted to be with and liked enough to be with...it would be nice to be enough, just me, was enough for someone to be content if not happy.
He does make me happy, which in it's self is scary, because i didn't think anyone had the power to do that. Sometimes i'm grateful for it and other times i wish it would go away, because i don't want to know how i'll feel when that happiness goes away.
I don't know...