(no subject)
Wow. Well. Apparently I can get onto Livejournal from school. Stange, since this place blocks most educational sites or anything else of use to students and teachers.
WELL.
Been a while since I posted not that anyone reads this but I need to fill up time.
I managed to the time for my math exam wrong so I missed it. Yay me. I get a zero and there's no way to retake the test, but no worries because only your top 4 grades count for anything.
I'm waiting for my boyfriend to get out of his exam at 3:20 so he can come over.
Something exciting:
They have a "Pregnancy & Birth" magazine in the school library. I noticed it a few hours ago and sat there for a long time wondering why it's there. Is it there because the school is using propoganda to make us all parents? To fight against abortion? Because the school thinks lowly of us?
I don't get it.
And I sat next to some girls (I think year 12s) for a few hours, trying to focus on tyrannies in ancient Greece. They were 17 or so, and mostly talking about "raves" and drugs and hiding drugs in bras and Pringle cans.
Really, I think Perth society is what I hated in America except times 10. Conservatism, unwillingness to accept differences, irresponsibility, dishonesty, ignorance...I really don't like most of the people here, though I don't show it. And they really really don't like me.
Ramble ramble.
I read some advice on Chuck Wendig's blog, which was "writer's, get a blog" and I considered for a time that I should write here more- even if it was just a way to force myself to write. I know no one reads this (if you do, surprise me with a comment and I will feel heavily ashamed).
9 minutes to go.
I can't write any more, mostly because I'm so full of doubt and self-hatred. It's bad. But you have to start somewhere, even if it's shitty LJ posts.
Last night, I couldn't sleep.
I was tired until I turned out the lights- then I was wide awake, staring at the wall. I remembered things, memories I try to ignore because they make me bitter. I could feel the pain then too- like a long needle shoved all the way through my heart. But there was nothing to distract me.
So I laid there and managed to convince myself that my home had existed. For a few glorious minutes, I was sure of it. Human beings who lived and breathed, touched me and laughed with me, some even kissed me. Times when I didn't spend day after day alone- instead I was with those humans in familiar places, buildings with walls and doors, plants I had watched grow year after year, summer nights and winter chills. These things had once been, they had happened.
I know I talk about it a lot but I have this feeling that is always there- the lack of something, the hollows in my bones, the missing signals that lead to my fits of paralysis. Rarely, so rarely, the losses stop being so painful and the world I knew is more than just ghosts.
But, awake, sitting in the light of day, they're dreams again
Time to go. Whee. :3
WELL.
Been a while since I posted not that anyone reads this but I need to fill up time.
I managed to the time for my math exam wrong so I missed it. Yay me. I get a zero and there's no way to retake the test, but no worries because only your top 4 grades count for anything.
I'm waiting for my boyfriend to get out of his exam at 3:20 so he can come over.
Something exciting:
They have a "Pregnancy & Birth" magazine in the school library. I noticed it a few hours ago and sat there for a long time wondering why it's there. Is it there because the school is using propoganda to make us all parents? To fight against abortion? Because the school thinks lowly of us?
I don't get it.
And I sat next to some girls (I think year 12s) for a few hours, trying to focus on tyrannies in ancient Greece. They were 17 or so, and mostly talking about "raves" and drugs and hiding drugs in bras and Pringle cans.
Really, I think Perth society is what I hated in America except times 10. Conservatism, unwillingness to accept differences, irresponsibility, dishonesty, ignorance...I really don't like most of the people here, though I don't show it. And they really really don't like me.
Ramble ramble.
I read some advice on Chuck Wendig's blog, which was "writer's, get a blog" and I considered for a time that I should write here more- even if it was just a way to force myself to write. I know no one reads this (if you do, surprise me with a comment and I will feel heavily ashamed).
9 minutes to go.
I can't write any more, mostly because I'm so full of doubt and self-hatred. It's bad. But you have to start somewhere, even if it's shitty LJ posts.
Last night, I couldn't sleep.
I was tired until I turned out the lights- then I was wide awake, staring at the wall. I remembered things, memories I try to ignore because they make me bitter. I could feel the pain then too- like a long needle shoved all the way through my heart. But there was nothing to distract me.
So I laid there and managed to convince myself that my home had existed. For a few glorious minutes, I was sure of it. Human beings who lived and breathed, touched me and laughed with me, some even kissed me. Times when I didn't spend day after day alone- instead I was with those humans in familiar places, buildings with walls and doors, plants I had watched grow year after year, summer nights and winter chills. These things had once been, they had happened.
I know I talk about it a lot but I have this feeling that is always there- the lack of something, the hollows in my bones, the missing signals that lead to my fits of paralysis. Rarely, so rarely, the losses stop being so painful and the world I knew is more than just ghosts.
But, awake, sitting in the light of day, they're dreams again
Time to go. Whee. :3