up the mountain coming down slowly
Living in a city alone in solitude in silence carelessly barricaded in a room in a loud urban neighborhood with hundreds and hundreds of books some rainy weekends going days without speaking at all and being surprised on monday morning by just how gravely how dry a voice can sound anyway the point is that living isolated with all these books and all this coffee and all this booze and all these papers and having a brand new network of acquaintances who like me just don't have time to escalate to friends anyway the point is living isolated in all this and it turns out I was right all along when I said when I yelled at everyone that I would be fine would be just as happy living like this I wasn't bluffing but I know I understand now from watching from listening from learning that it's weird to feel okay like this and it's weird to accept friendless loveless blankness aloneness and have it be the same as it ever was, so the point is the point is I can't and don't feel anything harsher meaner crueler than benign toward anyone toward any of you anymore so sorry about everything said, sorry about the accusations that you too should be fine with anything with friendless loveless aloneness anything, because no one should have to be fine with anything just because I am just because I can be, I hope you understand, and I hope this helps, and I hope everything's well.