Photographic Memories CH 7
Ok, I had hoped to get this out in time for Yoochun's birthday, but it just didn't really happen that way. Anyway, I'm getting the feeling this is starting to feel rushed, so I hope while you read, it doesn't.
Again thank you to everyone who's sticking with this story, I really do appreciate all your comments and love!
Title: Photographic Memories
Pairings: Yoochun/Changmin
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst
Genre: Drama, Romance
A/N: I can already tell this will be too long for a One-Shot therefore I'm breaking it up into parts. I apologize for any confusion that may arise while reading. It should all make sense in the end.
Summary: Changmin's a Photographer who most want to save.
Jaejoong insists they go shopping before his date. They go back to the store he and Yoochun went to and all he can think about is him.
They only kissed that drunken night but Yoochun held him desperately until their swollen lips parted and he fell sleep. And unlike their first kiss he called him later the next day and as friends they went to see a movie. As friends he dropped him off and as friends, Yoochun hugged him before getting out of the car. They never mentioned the kiss.
"This would look amazing on you," Jaejoong holds up a familiar shirt and Changmin frowns, it's the same one he bought with Yoochun.
"I don't like red," he says quietly and flips through another rack of new arrivals.
Jaejoong nods with a shrug and puts it back, turning to an assortment of different shirts. "Maybe you shouldn't go formal," he suggests thoughtfully and holds up a v-neck shirt with an elaborate print. He shows Changmin who shakes his head. "He's not a formal type of guy."
Changmin listens as he learns that blind date, man of his dreams, is an actor. Although leaning towards casual he's impeccably chic in style.
"He's really good looking too," Jaejoong smiles and Changmin grins.
"Looks aren't important," he adds for good measure, he isn't, after all, too concerned with looks.
"That's what everyone says until the guy looks like Myung-Soo," he laughs loudly and Changmin chuckles despite himself, "ah, this one, Changmin. You have to wear this."
It's a charcoal v-neck sweater, cashmere and delicate. Changmin walks over and touches the fabric carefully. "This should do nicely," he says softly and takes it from Jaejoong who smiles quite satisfied with himself for his excellent fashion sense.
"He kissed me again," Changmin confesses on a dark night at the lake. He can't seem to get rid of the warmth Yoochun's created around his shoulders, can't forget the way he held him so close their skin melted into one as they slept. He can still taste Yoochun's sweet mouth, no matter how he's tried to wash it out.
Their first kiss was sweet, soft and unbearably delicate. Lying under Yoochun, his second kiss was heated, mouthwatering and obscenely desperate.
Junsu turns his head slowly, eyes glittering with the majesty of the moon. "Really?" he asks and pumps his feet in the cool water, splashing aimlessly. "How are you doing?" he asks after a couple moments of careful silence, his voice concerned.
Changmin tries his best to ignore the gnawing feeling of regret percolating inside his heart, has spent days rolling over different explanations in his head, trying to reason that it's a sign. That Yoochun must have feelings for him.
He tries to tell himself that it's more than friendship, that Yoochun's is probably scared, that he may be hiding something; that there is a dark secret to his past that holds him prisoner from fully accepting his feelings, then he remembers his words, the words that changed everything.
You're a wonderful friend, Changmin.
And any reason or explanation he can come up evaporates into wisps of broken wishes. Yoochun doesn't care for him that way; Changmin has unwillingly begun to admit to himself.
It's been two years since his last relationship ended in unbearable betrayal and he promised to roam the earth alone forever, giving up the hardships of love, the rivers of tears and pains of unrequited love.
"He called me his friend," Changmin says quietly, playing with the cuff of his shorts. "He called me his friend and kissed me."
He isn't afraid to be Yoochun's friend, if that's all they could ever be, he'd accept that, but it's not in him to claim friendship then act against it. It doesn't work like that, he can't work like that. Emotions are invested too critically around his heart to play those kinds of mind games.
Changmin looks at his friend with worried eyes. "He confuses me and I don't like it. I don't kiss my friends," he sighs and pulls his feet from the freezing water, shivering, unknowing if it's the cold or his feelings that seem to spark and sizzle around his shoulders, a constant reminder that he's allowed his emotions to capture his deepest fears.
The wind rustles the leaves and the lake ripples with underwater life. It's beautiful and eerie on the dock and Changmin wonders where the rest of them could be. Yunho and Jaejoong disappeared behind a cluster of rocks and Yoochun went searching for something to eat in the car. They haven't heard from them since, though Changmin is grateful for the alone time with Junsu. Since spending the night at Yoochun's, he's needed to talk with someone.
"I can be one or the other," Changmin rests his chin on his knees, looking into the dark abyss of the twinkling lake. "I can't be both."
Junsu turns thoughtful and bobs his head in understanding. When he speaks it's soft and quiet, "He kissed me one time," he admits and won't look Changmin in the face at his confession.
The moment the wind carries his voice and Changmin really hears them, it feels like a pair of pliers pinching painfully into his heart, the air in his lungs evaporates so quick he forgets how to breathe.
And like the wonderful friend he is, Junsu predicts his response and reaches for him almost instantly. "It wasn't like that," he consoles with a gentle smile that almost heals the pain, "he kissed me because he wanted to, no reason, no emotion, just because he wanted to see how I'd react."
He doesn't want to admit it, but it does make him feel a bit better, yet the image of Yoochun, pressing the mouth he's tasted so sweet, against Junsu's, is quite horrifying.
"What did you do?" he asks when he finds his voice, clutching tightly around Junsu's fingers. When he smiles proudly and beautifully against the sweep of the moonlight, Changmin's grip tightens.
"I punched him," he answers and together they laugh so loud Changmin feels his heart sore with the birds in the night sky, under the stars. "He never tried again, I don't understand why."
Changmin wonders if Yoochun saw the same amazing person in Junsu that he sees.
"I see him, I see you," Junsu bites his lip slowly, "it's different," he cocks his head to the side and a slip of hair falls gracefully into his eyes, "it takes awhile, but he's worth it."
Changmin thinks it's time he confess the date he's agreed to go on and when Junsu eyes glitter beneath the stars and the sound of nature consumes them, Changmin wonders if he's made the right decision.
"I told you, Yoochun's smart enough to not expect you to wait for him. Have you told him?" he asks and kicks lazily into the water.
Changmin shakes his head. "No, but I don't want complicated," he admits and it hurts to know Yoochun is anything but that. It hurts to know he's only a friend, a friend he thinks he can manipulate to his wishes, but he's not. And he refuses to become so. "I can't handle the kind of friendship he's expecting of me."
"Understandable, Changmin," Junsu pulls his legs out and grabs his shoes. He can hear the others calling out their names into the silent night. "You need to decide for yourself, what will make you happy."
Changmin nods and looks upon the expanse of the lake, his dreams like the ripples, small in the beginning, growing wide and more expectant as they expand over the water. He wants more, he wants someone to care for him, the way he cares for them. If Yoochun can't do it, he will find someone else who will.
There's a loud rustling and Yunho appears. "We need to go, Jaejoong's blood is too sweet for nature," Yunho calls from the start of the dock, Jaejoong clutching tightly around his back, face buried in his neck.
Changmin and Junsu stand with each other's help and Yoochun bounces towards them with a bottle of beer in one hand.
"Nature doesn't agree with me," he states and presses himself into Changmin's side, flicking playfully at his earring.
Junsu grins and Changmin holds Yoochun close, feeling his warmth, holding his hand far more possessively than he'd like.
"Your eyes glow in the moonlight," Yoochun whispers into his ear and Changmin pulls him closer.
His editor calls him during a photo shoot and leaves a voicemail. He wants to discuss Changmin's plans for his book over dinner and soon. Changmin calls him back immediately.
"I will be out of town on business for two weeks, therefore, I'd like to meet with you tomorrow; otherwise, we will have to postpone it until after my travels."
Tomorrow night is his date but there is no need for consideration, not even a fleeting moment of hesitation. "Tomorrow will be perfect," he agrees immediately and looks over at Jaejoong who's gesticulating wildly with a phone pressed to his ear.
They decide to meet at a popular restaurant in a busy part of town at 8:00. The same restaurant he was supposed to meet his blind date.
Changmin hangs the phone up, holding back the excitement of his book and slowly allows the trickle of disappointment he will soon feel when he tells Jaejoong he'll have to cancel the blind date.
He decides to wait until after the photo shoot to break it to him. Jaejoong is speaking patiently with the parents of his young client and smiles reassuringly at their concerns while Changmin gathers his belongings and only half listens.
He thinks Jaejoong couldn't possibly be better at his job if he tried. His management company houses some of the biggest stars and he's the one all new aspiring showstoppers, ask for personally; he's amazing at what he does and as Changmin finishes up he smiles at the firm handshakes and warm hugs they share before watching them leave with their lovely daughter who runs to Changmin and hugs his legs before running shyly away.
"She really liked you," Jaejoong rubs at the bridge of his nose, hopping to loosen the tension along his eyes. "You are very good with children," he replaces the glasses and takes a deep breath. "Surprisingly, seeing as you're such a hard ass," he laughs merrily and Changmin cracks a handsome grin as they make their way out of the studio.
As Jaejoong talks about his new projects Changmin figures if he's going to tell him about the date, he needs to do it before it's too late. He never asked for the actor's phone number, didn't want to hold the obligation of setting everything up, in his own hands. Jaejoong is far better at things like that then he could hope to be. Besides, without it, he could try and trick himself into thinking if there was no evidence, he wouldn't be a willing party and the thought of giving up on Yoochun wouldn't suffocate him.
They walk to the parking lot, empty and deserted in the darkness and Changmin grabs Jaejoong's arm before he can move further. "I have to cancel," he tells him and he hates the crestfallen look that overcomes his handsome face. "Something's come up," he adds with an apologetic smile.
Jaejoong frowns though tries to laugh. "You're scared, I understand," he pats his shoulder and moves on but Changmin holds him back.
"I'm not scared," and now the need to explain is clear. "My editor called, I've been interested in making a book of my photographs and he's leaving town, tomorrow is the only option," Changmin explains, hoping Jaejoong will understand and forgive him. He's been ridiculously excited about the date, definitely more so than he has.
Jaejoong smiles easily and nods. "Ok," he pulls himself up on his tip toes and kisses Changmin's cheek, quick and surprising. "You don't need to lie to me," he chuckles and heads for his car.
Changmin stands there for a few moments in completely shock and watches him. "I'm not lying," he glares and disarms his alarm, throwing his briefcase in. Jaejoong grins mischievously and nods quite insolently.
"I get it, you're not ready, Yoochun-"
"Jaejoong, I'm serious, I'm not lying," his voice very urgent, his eyes pleading for him to understand but it’s useless, he can already tell in the smile on Jaejoong's face and the shining light in his eyes. "This has nothing to do with, Yoochun," he presses insistently.
Jaejoong licks his lips and opens his door. "That's ok, Changmin, I'll call him and let him know," he promises and gives him a wink before sliding in and starting the car.
Changmin stands and watches as he leaves, doesn't wave back when Jaejoong waves to him. "I'm not lying!" he yells but Jaejoong's car is speeding down the street, too far away to hear him.
The first fight Changmin ever got into was because of a boyfriend. It was at a dance, someone approached him and Changmin replied with an iron fist to his face attempting to maintain his honor.
By the end of the night he suffered a black eye and vicious kick to the stomach but when he heard the soft, loving appreciation in his ear and was rewarded with the best kiss of his life, it all seemed to be worth it.
The next school day, following the dance, Changmin was greeted with email images of the fight. He kept the one of him smiling triumphantly, black eye and swollen lip, arm pulled tightly around his prize.
The night of the meeting Changmin dresses appropriately, slick in his best suit and most expensive shoes. His editor is late but while he drinks wine he listens to the beautiful music and indulges himself in eavesdropping into conversations close enough to hear.
It's almost fifteen minutes past eight when he finally appears, looking flustered and quite irritated. "I apologize, the traffic was horrendous," he makes his excuses but Changmin is merely happy to see him show up. His excitement over the book is far more accepting of any excuse.
Over dinner they talk about the production. The publishing company his editor has decided on is excited to produce the book.
"They've heard of you and were quite willing to handle the production," he smiles over his half eaten dinner. "They predict a very lucrative result when all is said and done."
Changmin smiles in deep appreciation and drinks from his glass, "I appreciate all your help," he bows his head and presses his hands together in respect. "When I approached you with the idea, I couldn't imagine the immediate response," he admits truthfully. When he had first called him with the proposal it was rushed and overly excited, never had he expected to be contacted so soon.
"According to my assistant, Shim Changmin, you are far more talented than I expected," he smiles kindly, "I look forward to sharing your success," he raises his glass in toast and Changmin grins despite himself, proud in his efforts.
Everything seems to go well. After their initial talks of the book, they fall into comfortable conversation, when his phone vibrates against his leg he ignores it and keeps his full attention towards the conversation. Changmin is telling him about his inspiration when he feels it; an instant itch at the back of his neck, a pinch in his chest, like the squeeze of a hand around his heart. His skin crackles with a recognizable burn of eyes and his breathing fails him.
Everything seems to pop and fizzle into silence as he looks up and turns his head slowly.
Yoochun stands stunned at a distance, looking towards them, face twisted in possessive jealousy.
Changmin feels the words on his tongue sizzle clear away as he watches him approach their table, horrified. If there was a time to be discovered, sharing a dinner with another man, Changmin wishes it weren't this very moment.
Yoochun storms with the speed of rushing wind, in a fast march towards their table. His eyes fixated on the unassuming man who sits directly in front of him. They burn like lasers and Changmin wonders desperately how he knew. What lead him to this restaurant, this night, at this moment?
He thinks if it were possible he'd grab his editor's hand and rush out the back door but Yoochun roots Changmin into his seat, eyes piercing and he can't say for sure, but he thinks he sees something broken in his gaze. His editor looks curiously at Yoochun, then back at Changmin with an uneasy smile and a faint blush to the apples of his cheeks. It's clear he has missed something.
Yoochun doesn't say anything but his eyes betray him as he stands silently, clenching his fists into his jacket.
The room shrinks, walls pressed so close against his throat Changmin can hardly breath and before allowing any more unbearable silence, Changmin clears his throat, feeling the tears of sweat collecting unflatteringly across his brow. "Yoochun, this is-"
"I don't care who he is," he interrupts rudely and looks back and fourth between them for a few moments before seizing Changmin with a piercing, unrelenting stare that burns into his soul, "is this the date you're supposed to be on?"
A mortifying wave of embarrassment washes over his body, from head to toe and a horrifying urge to vomit consumes him when he sees the most surprised and uncomfortable expression form across his editor's face, while Yoochun continues to stare daggers.
If there were a time Changmin could ask God to open the earth and swallow him whole, it is now, this very moment, suck him down into the depths of hell where he can't physically experience this kind of tortuous humiliation.
"Yoochun-" he begs him, smiling with tight lips at this poor man who has no idea what's cause this turn of events. Who has no idea who Yoochun is, who couldn't possibly understand how apologetic Changmin feels right now.
Yoochun takes the liberty of pressing his hands against the table, and leans in, so close Changmin can see the dilation of his pupils, the faint scent of alcohol on his breath; several people surrounding them are watching and Changmin feels a little dizzy. "I asked you a question," he hisses and through the silvered opening of his arms Changmin glances at his editor who looks ready to call security.
He looks up and Yoochun stares down, lips pulled into a straight line, breathing rough through his nose.
"Excuse me," Changmin moves his head around Yoochun's blocking stance and apologizes. He stands to his feet gracefully, hand curling unforgiving around Yoochun's arm. "Excuse me, I'll be right back," he bows through trembling mad lips.
The horror turns into blinding hot pain that sears across his eyes like uncontrolled fire as they walk past the inquisitive patrons, the staff staring at them in interest, until they are secured behind the men's bathroom door.
He throws Yoochun away and allows his head to fall, hands pressed against his waist, breath easing in and out of his mouth, trying everything within him not to cry or scream or yell at the top of his lungs in complete and utter horror.
"Changmin-"
He holds up a hand to stop him, eyes on the floor, shoulders tensed so tight another stretch could split him in two. "Don't." he says and he can't look at him so he turns around and stares at the wall, if he looks at him he may yell. "What is the matter with you?" he asks, running his hands through his hair until he pulls at the roots and wipes the sweat from his brow. "What the fuck is the matter with you?" his voice rises.
Yoochun paces behind him. "Junsu told me. I had to see it myself. I don't-" he stops abruptly and Changmin listens as he steps closer, feels as he stands behind him. "Why?" he asks and it almost sounds heartbroken. Yoochun takes the step that brings them together and his cheek is against Changmin's shoulder and his chest pressed against his back.
Changmin can feel the walls slowly crumbling around his shoulders. "This isn't a date," he whispers and closes his eyes as Yoochun's arm snake around his waist, holding him so tight he may never want him to let go. "This is business," he tells him but then Yoochun lets him go and walks across the room, shaking his head, biting his lips, smiling unconvinced. When he scoffs Changmin doesn't think he can take the multiple personality that seems to live within the walls of Yoochun's body. He can feel the anger start to burn in the center of his stomach, like scorching lava ready to spew in unforgiving flows of destruction.
Yoochun doesn't say anything, stares at him, his eyes flicker under the light of the bathroom and he's sad and angry and hopeless. "I'm sorry," he finally apologizes and walks towards Changmin who steps back, hands up in defense.
"No," he shakes his head, stopping him. "You said it yourself," he points accusingly, "we're friends," he reminds Yoochun who's shoulders deflate a little, who's eyes sparkle like stars in their torment. "This, this can't happen. You've embarrassed me," he moves further away. "You can't storm in here because I'm with someone else."
"Junsu said-"
But Changmin doesn't care what Junsu said, he will deal with him later. "You can't call me your friend and kiss me, you can't do that, Yoochun," Changmin tells him and through the jealousy Yoochun breaks just a little. "We're friends, like you said."
"But-" he moves closer and Changmin steps further away, to keep his distance. He can't think clearly when Yoochun is so close to him, the power he has over him is too intoxicating to ignore, it makes him drunk, and he can't concentrate. Right now, he needs to concentrate.
Changmin shakes his head and holds him at bay, stares into his eyes, wants to hold him, but he can't, he won't let Yoochun hurt him, they are just friends. "This is business," he says slowly and wishes Yoochun wouldn't look at him so longingly. Wouldn't look like he wants to sweep him in his arms, hold him tight and tell him everything he wants to hear. "Even if it wasn't, I can't be your friend if this is how you are going to act." And it hurts him to say it; it breaks his heart to see Yoochun lower his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he whispers deeply, sorrowful and sad.
Changmin's grateful no one has entered the bathroom, is grateful it's the two of them and he wants so bad to make it different. "I should go back to my editor," he finally says quietly, hoping it's not the end.
Yoochun nods slowly, defeated and Changmin moves to leave, but before he can Yoochun rushes him and crushes his body in his arms, breath heated along Changmin's neck.
"Promise me it's business," he whispers desperately. "Promise me it's not a date," he breathes and Changmin tugs at Yoochun's arm, turning around, looking into his eyes, feeling his heart beat against his chest.
"You make me crazy," Changmin sighs exhausted and smoothes Yoochun's frown away, "You're the one who wants to be friends," he explains and brushes his hair behind his ear, runs his finger along Yoochun's full bottom lip and frowns sadly. "If friendship is all you want, things need to change or I can't. I won't be your friend anymore," he promises and before Yoochun can kiss him, he pulls away and walks to the door. "I'm going back to my meeting," he won't look at him, "you should leave."
And before Yoochun can stop him or talk to him or touch him again, Changmin walks out.
His editor is looking at his watch as Changmin approaches, smoothing his jacket down, apologizing profusely. He doesn't ask him what happened or wonder where their dinner crasher has disappeared to, but Changmin watches silently as Yoochun leaves, looking over at his table once more before disappearing from sight. He breathes and tries his best to concentrate on the words and dates coming from his dinner guest's mouth and nods appropriately when needed, wishing he could stop for once, thinking about Yoochun.
They say goodnight after another glass of wine and shake hands. He promises to keep in contact and Changmin wishes him safe travels before they part.
In the car he finally pulls out his phone, he has 10 missed calls and 4 voicemails. All of them are from Yoochun.
He's not mad anymore and after listening to the voicemails he decides to turn the car around and head for his apartment, they need to talk.
After the abhorrent display of jealousy they need to discuss this confusing situation further. He's dealt with jealous people before, boyfriends, girlfriends, but never with a friend, a friend who kisses him. Who makes him feel like he should be cherished and loved.
It's a problem and Changmin can't move on if their relationship continues as is. Yoochun looked so hurt, crazy with pain over the phone and it confuses Changmin so much. His mind races with fear but his heart hopes, and he can't do it much longer, he won't do it much longer.
He can't be friends with someone who bounces so easily between the two.
He needs to talk to Yoochun, he needs to understand, to figure out ultimately what this is, figure out if it is truly friendship, figure out if he needs to close the book and stop the feelings.
His apartment complex is empty and eerily quiet and as Changmin rides the elevator to the top floor he wonders what will happen. He's nervous, a film of sweat glistens along his neck and he rubs at his eyes, hoping the swimming vision clears in time to face him.
No one is in the hallway as he approaches but Changmin's heart pounds so fast he can feel it in his ears, a steady drum along his temples. He stands in front of Yoochun's door, controlling his breathing and reassuring himself that this is the best thing, that this will make sense of it all.
As he knocks he smoothes out the suit, runs his hands through his hair and prepares himself.
No one answers and after a second knock the lock recedes and the door opens to reveal a beautiful girl holding a towel tightly against her body.
"Yes?" she asks with a kind smile and Changmin steps back, mouth falling open, eyes wide in surprise.
Before he can reply with certain apology, he must have confused the numbers, Yoochun appears, eyes glassy and naked from the waist up. He stops the moment he sees Changmin and his smile fades.
"Changmin-" he whispers.
Heat in his eyes and pain screaming through every inch of his body, Changmin does the only thing he can think of that could possibly explain how he feels.
With everything in him, he punches Yoochun.
|CH 6| |CH 8|
Again thank you to everyone who's sticking with this story, I really do appreciate all your comments and love!
Title: Photographic Memories
Pairings: Yoochun/Changmin
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst
Genre: Drama, Romance
A/N: I can already tell this will be too long for a One-Shot therefore I'm breaking it up into parts. I apologize for any confusion that may arise while reading. It should all make sense in the end.
Summary: Changmin's a Photographer who most want to save.
Jaejoong insists they go shopping before his date. They go back to the store he and Yoochun went to and all he can think about is him.
They only kissed that drunken night but Yoochun held him desperately until their swollen lips parted and he fell sleep. And unlike their first kiss he called him later the next day and as friends they went to see a movie. As friends he dropped him off and as friends, Yoochun hugged him before getting out of the car. They never mentioned the kiss.
"This would look amazing on you," Jaejoong holds up a familiar shirt and Changmin frowns, it's the same one he bought with Yoochun.
"I don't like red," he says quietly and flips through another rack of new arrivals.
Jaejoong nods with a shrug and puts it back, turning to an assortment of different shirts. "Maybe you shouldn't go formal," he suggests thoughtfully and holds up a v-neck shirt with an elaborate print. He shows Changmin who shakes his head. "He's not a formal type of guy."
Changmin listens as he learns that blind date, man of his dreams, is an actor. Although leaning towards casual he's impeccably chic in style.
"He's really good looking too," Jaejoong smiles and Changmin grins.
"Looks aren't important," he adds for good measure, he isn't, after all, too concerned with looks.
"That's what everyone says until the guy looks like Myung-Soo," he laughs loudly and Changmin chuckles despite himself, "ah, this one, Changmin. You have to wear this."
It's a charcoal v-neck sweater, cashmere and delicate. Changmin walks over and touches the fabric carefully. "This should do nicely," he says softly and takes it from Jaejoong who smiles quite satisfied with himself for his excellent fashion sense.
"He kissed me again," Changmin confesses on a dark night at the lake. He can't seem to get rid of the warmth Yoochun's created around his shoulders, can't forget the way he held him so close their skin melted into one as they slept. He can still taste Yoochun's sweet mouth, no matter how he's tried to wash it out.
Their first kiss was sweet, soft and unbearably delicate. Lying under Yoochun, his second kiss was heated, mouthwatering and obscenely desperate.
Junsu turns his head slowly, eyes glittering with the majesty of the moon. "Really?" he asks and pumps his feet in the cool water, splashing aimlessly. "How are you doing?" he asks after a couple moments of careful silence, his voice concerned.
Changmin tries his best to ignore the gnawing feeling of regret percolating inside his heart, has spent days rolling over different explanations in his head, trying to reason that it's a sign. That Yoochun must have feelings for him.
He tries to tell himself that it's more than friendship, that Yoochun's is probably scared, that he may be hiding something; that there is a dark secret to his past that holds him prisoner from fully accepting his feelings, then he remembers his words, the words that changed everything.
You're a wonderful friend, Changmin.
And any reason or explanation he can come up evaporates into wisps of broken wishes. Yoochun doesn't care for him that way; Changmin has unwillingly begun to admit to himself.
It's been two years since his last relationship ended in unbearable betrayal and he promised to roam the earth alone forever, giving up the hardships of love, the rivers of tears and pains of unrequited love.
"He called me his friend," Changmin says quietly, playing with the cuff of his shorts. "He called me his friend and kissed me."
He isn't afraid to be Yoochun's friend, if that's all they could ever be, he'd accept that, but it's not in him to claim friendship then act against it. It doesn't work like that, he can't work like that. Emotions are invested too critically around his heart to play those kinds of mind games.
Changmin looks at his friend with worried eyes. "He confuses me and I don't like it. I don't kiss my friends," he sighs and pulls his feet from the freezing water, shivering, unknowing if it's the cold or his feelings that seem to spark and sizzle around his shoulders, a constant reminder that he's allowed his emotions to capture his deepest fears.
The wind rustles the leaves and the lake ripples with underwater life. It's beautiful and eerie on the dock and Changmin wonders where the rest of them could be. Yunho and Jaejoong disappeared behind a cluster of rocks and Yoochun went searching for something to eat in the car. They haven't heard from them since, though Changmin is grateful for the alone time with Junsu. Since spending the night at Yoochun's, he's needed to talk with someone.
"I can be one or the other," Changmin rests his chin on his knees, looking into the dark abyss of the twinkling lake. "I can't be both."
Junsu turns thoughtful and bobs his head in understanding. When he speaks it's soft and quiet, "He kissed me one time," he admits and won't look Changmin in the face at his confession.
The moment the wind carries his voice and Changmin really hears them, it feels like a pair of pliers pinching painfully into his heart, the air in his lungs evaporates so quick he forgets how to breathe.
And like the wonderful friend he is, Junsu predicts his response and reaches for him almost instantly. "It wasn't like that," he consoles with a gentle smile that almost heals the pain, "he kissed me because he wanted to, no reason, no emotion, just because he wanted to see how I'd react."
He doesn't want to admit it, but it does make him feel a bit better, yet the image of Yoochun, pressing the mouth he's tasted so sweet, against Junsu's, is quite horrifying.
"What did you do?" he asks when he finds his voice, clutching tightly around Junsu's fingers. When he smiles proudly and beautifully against the sweep of the moonlight, Changmin's grip tightens.
"I punched him," he answers and together they laugh so loud Changmin feels his heart sore with the birds in the night sky, under the stars. "He never tried again, I don't understand why."
Changmin wonders if Yoochun saw the same amazing person in Junsu that he sees.
"I see him, I see you," Junsu bites his lip slowly, "it's different," he cocks his head to the side and a slip of hair falls gracefully into his eyes, "it takes awhile, but he's worth it."
Changmin thinks it's time he confess the date he's agreed to go on and when Junsu eyes glitter beneath the stars and the sound of nature consumes them, Changmin wonders if he's made the right decision.
"I told you, Yoochun's smart enough to not expect you to wait for him. Have you told him?" he asks and kicks lazily into the water.
Changmin shakes his head. "No, but I don't want complicated," he admits and it hurts to know Yoochun is anything but that. It hurts to know he's only a friend, a friend he thinks he can manipulate to his wishes, but he's not. And he refuses to become so. "I can't handle the kind of friendship he's expecting of me."
"Understandable, Changmin," Junsu pulls his legs out and grabs his shoes. He can hear the others calling out their names into the silent night. "You need to decide for yourself, what will make you happy."
Changmin nods and looks upon the expanse of the lake, his dreams like the ripples, small in the beginning, growing wide and more expectant as they expand over the water. He wants more, he wants someone to care for him, the way he cares for them. If Yoochun can't do it, he will find someone else who will.
There's a loud rustling and Yunho appears. "We need to go, Jaejoong's blood is too sweet for nature," Yunho calls from the start of the dock, Jaejoong clutching tightly around his back, face buried in his neck.
Changmin and Junsu stand with each other's help and Yoochun bounces towards them with a bottle of beer in one hand.
"Nature doesn't agree with me," he states and presses himself into Changmin's side, flicking playfully at his earring.
Junsu grins and Changmin holds Yoochun close, feeling his warmth, holding his hand far more possessively than he'd like.
"Your eyes glow in the moonlight," Yoochun whispers into his ear and Changmin pulls him closer.
His editor calls him during a photo shoot and leaves a voicemail. He wants to discuss Changmin's plans for his book over dinner and soon. Changmin calls him back immediately.
"I will be out of town on business for two weeks, therefore, I'd like to meet with you tomorrow; otherwise, we will have to postpone it until after my travels."
Tomorrow night is his date but there is no need for consideration, not even a fleeting moment of hesitation. "Tomorrow will be perfect," he agrees immediately and looks over at Jaejoong who's gesticulating wildly with a phone pressed to his ear.
They decide to meet at a popular restaurant in a busy part of town at 8:00. The same restaurant he was supposed to meet his blind date.
Changmin hangs the phone up, holding back the excitement of his book and slowly allows the trickle of disappointment he will soon feel when he tells Jaejoong he'll have to cancel the blind date.
He decides to wait until after the photo shoot to break it to him. Jaejoong is speaking patiently with the parents of his young client and smiles reassuringly at their concerns while Changmin gathers his belongings and only half listens.
He thinks Jaejoong couldn't possibly be better at his job if he tried. His management company houses some of the biggest stars and he's the one all new aspiring showstoppers, ask for personally; he's amazing at what he does and as Changmin finishes up he smiles at the firm handshakes and warm hugs they share before watching them leave with their lovely daughter who runs to Changmin and hugs his legs before running shyly away.
"She really liked you," Jaejoong rubs at the bridge of his nose, hopping to loosen the tension along his eyes. "You are very good with children," he replaces the glasses and takes a deep breath. "Surprisingly, seeing as you're such a hard ass," he laughs merrily and Changmin cracks a handsome grin as they make their way out of the studio.
As Jaejoong talks about his new projects Changmin figures if he's going to tell him about the date, he needs to do it before it's too late. He never asked for the actor's phone number, didn't want to hold the obligation of setting everything up, in his own hands. Jaejoong is far better at things like that then he could hope to be. Besides, without it, he could try and trick himself into thinking if there was no evidence, he wouldn't be a willing party and the thought of giving up on Yoochun wouldn't suffocate him.
They walk to the parking lot, empty and deserted in the darkness and Changmin grabs Jaejoong's arm before he can move further. "I have to cancel," he tells him and he hates the crestfallen look that overcomes his handsome face. "Something's come up," he adds with an apologetic smile.
Jaejoong frowns though tries to laugh. "You're scared, I understand," he pats his shoulder and moves on but Changmin holds him back.
"I'm not scared," and now the need to explain is clear. "My editor called, I've been interested in making a book of my photographs and he's leaving town, tomorrow is the only option," Changmin explains, hoping Jaejoong will understand and forgive him. He's been ridiculously excited about the date, definitely more so than he has.
Jaejoong smiles easily and nods. "Ok," he pulls himself up on his tip toes and kisses Changmin's cheek, quick and surprising. "You don't need to lie to me," he chuckles and heads for his car.
Changmin stands there for a few moments in completely shock and watches him. "I'm not lying," he glares and disarms his alarm, throwing his briefcase in. Jaejoong grins mischievously and nods quite insolently.
"I get it, you're not ready, Yoochun-"
"Jaejoong, I'm serious, I'm not lying," his voice very urgent, his eyes pleading for him to understand but it’s useless, he can already tell in the smile on Jaejoong's face and the shining light in his eyes. "This has nothing to do with, Yoochun," he presses insistently.
Jaejoong licks his lips and opens his door. "That's ok, Changmin, I'll call him and let him know," he promises and gives him a wink before sliding in and starting the car.
Changmin stands and watches as he leaves, doesn't wave back when Jaejoong waves to him. "I'm not lying!" he yells but Jaejoong's car is speeding down the street, too far away to hear him.
The first fight Changmin ever got into was because of a boyfriend. It was at a dance, someone approached him and Changmin replied with an iron fist to his face attempting to maintain his honor.
By the end of the night he suffered a black eye and vicious kick to the stomach but when he heard the soft, loving appreciation in his ear and was rewarded with the best kiss of his life, it all seemed to be worth it.
The next school day, following the dance, Changmin was greeted with email images of the fight. He kept the one of him smiling triumphantly, black eye and swollen lip, arm pulled tightly around his prize.
The night of the meeting Changmin dresses appropriately, slick in his best suit and most expensive shoes. His editor is late but while he drinks wine he listens to the beautiful music and indulges himself in eavesdropping into conversations close enough to hear.
It's almost fifteen minutes past eight when he finally appears, looking flustered and quite irritated. "I apologize, the traffic was horrendous," he makes his excuses but Changmin is merely happy to see him show up. His excitement over the book is far more accepting of any excuse.
Over dinner they talk about the production. The publishing company his editor has decided on is excited to produce the book.
"They've heard of you and were quite willing to handle the production," he smiles over his half eaten dinner. "They predict a very lucrative result when all is said and done."
Changmin smiles in deep appreciation and drinks from his glass, "I appreciate all your help," he bows his head and presses his hands together in respect. "When I approached you with the idea, I couldn't imagine the immediate response," he admits truthfully. When he had first called him with the proposal it was rushed and overly excited, never had he expected to be contacted so soon.
"According to my assistant, Shim Changmin, you are far more talented than I expected," he smiles kindly, "I look forward to sharing your success," he raises his glass in toast and Changmin grins despite himself, proud in his efforts.
Everything seems to go well. After their initial talks of the book, they fall into comfortable conversation, when his phone vibrates against his leg he ignores it and keeps his full attention towards the conversation. Changmin is telling him about his inspiration when he feels it; an instant itch at the back of his neck, a pinch in his chest, like the squeeze of a hand around his heart. His skin crackles with a recognizable burn of eyes and his breathing fails him.
Everything seems to pop and fizzle into silence as he looks up and turns his head slowly.
Yoochun stands stunned at a distance, looking towards them, face twisted in possessive jealousy.
Changmin feels the words on his tongue sizzle clear away as he watches him approach their table, horrified. If there was a time to be discovered, sharing a dinner with another man, Changmin wishes it weren't this very moment.
Yoochun storms with the speed of rushing wind, in a fast march towards their table. His eyes fixated on the unassuming man who sits directly in front of him. They burn like lasers and Changmin wonders desperately how he knew. What lead him to this restaurant, this night, at this moment?
He thinks if it were possible he'd grab his editor's hand and rush out the back door but Yoochun roots Changmin into his seat, eyes piercing and he can't say for sure, but he thinks he sees something broken in his gaze. His editor looks curiously at Yoochun, then back at Changmin with an uneasy smile and a faint blush to the apples of his cheeks. It's clear he has missed something.
Yoochun doesn't say anything but his eyes betray him as he stands silently, clenching his fists into his jacket.
The room shrinks, walls pressed so close against his throat Changmin can hardly breath and before allowing any more unbearable silence, Changmin clears his throat, feeling the tears of sweat collecting unflatteringly across his brow. "Yoochun, this is-"
"I don't care who he is," he interrupts rudely and looks back and fourth between them for a few moments before seizing Changmin with a piercing, unrelenting stare that burns into his soul, "is this the date you're supposed to be on?"
A mortifying wave of embarrassment washes over his body, from head to toe and a horrifying urge to vomit consumes him when he sees the most surprised and uncomfortable expression form across his editor's face, while Yoochun continues to stare daggers.
If there were a time Changmin could ask God to open the earth and swallow him whole, it is now, this very moment, suck him down into the depths of hell where he can't physically experience this kind of tortuous humiliation.
"Yoochun-" he begs him, smiling with tight lips at this poor man who has no idea what's cause this turn of events. Who has no idea who Yoochun is, who couldn't possibly understand how apologetic Changmin feels right now.
Yoochun takes the liberty of pressing his hands against the table, and leans in, so close Changmin can see the dilation of his pupils, the faint scent of alcohol on his breath; several people surrounding them are watching and Changmin feels a little dizzy. "I asked you a question," he hisses and through the silvered opening of his arms Changmin glances at his editor who looks ready to call security.
He looks up and Yoochun stares down, lips pulled into a straight line, breathing rough through his nose.
"Excuse me," Changmin moves his head around Yoochun's blocking stance and apologizes. He stands to his feet gracefully, hand curling unforgiving around Yoochun's arm. "Excuse me, I'll be right back," he bows through trembling mad lips.
The horror turns into blinding hot pain that sears across his eyes like uncontrolled fire as they walk past the inquisitive patrons, the staff staring at them in interest, until they are secured behind the men's bathroom door.
He throws Yoochun away and allows his head to fall, hands pressed against his waist, breath easing in and out of his mouth, trying everything within him not to cry or scream or yell at the top of his lungs in complete and utter horror.
"Changmin-"
He holds up a hand to stop him, eyes on the floor, shoulders tensed so tight another stretch could split him in two. "Don't." he says and he can't look at him so he turns around and stares at the wall, if he looks at him he may yell. "What is the matter with you?" he asks, running his hands through his hair until he pulls at the roots and wipes the sweat from his brow. "What the fuck is the matter with you?" his voice rises.
Yoochun paces behind him. "Junsu told me. I had to see it myself. I don't-" he stops abruptly and Changmin listens as he steps closer, feels as he stands behind him. "Why?" he asks and it almost sounds heartbroken. Yoochun takes the step that brings them together and his cheek is against Changmin's shoulder and his chest pressed against his back.
Changmin can feel the walls slowly crumbling around his shoulders. "This isn't a date," he whispers and closes his eyes as Yoochun's arm snake around his waist, holding him so tight he may never want him to let go. "This is business," he tells him but then Yoochun lets him go and walks across the room, shaking his head, biting his lips, smiling unconvinced. When he scoffs Changmin doesn't think he can take the multiple personality that seems to live within the walls of Yoochun's body. He can feel the anger start to burn in the center of his stomach, like scorching lava ready to spew in unforgiving flows of destruction.
Yoochun doesn't say anything, stares at him, his eyes flicker under the light of the bathroom and he's sad and angry and hopeless. "I'm sorry," he finally apologizes and walks towards Changmin who steps back, hands up in defense.
"No," he shakes his head, stopping him. "You said it yourself," he points accusingly, "we're friends," he reminds Yoochun who's shoulders deflate a little, who's eyes sparkle like stars in their torment. "This, this can't happen. You've embarrassed me," he moves further away. "You can't storm in here because I'm with someone else."
"Junsu said-"
But Changmin doesn't care what Junsu said, he will deal with him later. "You can't call me your friend and kiss me, you can't do that, Yoochun," Changmin tells him and through the jealousy Yoochun breaks just a little. "We're friends, like you said."
"But-" he moves closer and Changmin steps further away, to keep his distance. He can't think clearly when Yoochun is so close to him, the power he has over him is too intoxicating to ignore, it makes him drunk, and he can't concentrate. Right now, he needs to concentrate.
Changmin shakes his head and holds him at bay, stares into his eyes, wants to hold him, but he can't, he won't let Yoochun hurt him, they are just friends. "This is business," he says slowly and wishes Yoochun wouldn't look at him so longingly. Wouldn't look like he wants to sweep him in his arms, hold him tight and tell him everything he wants to hear. "Even if it wasn't, I can't be your friend if this is how you are going to act." And it hurts him to say it; it breaks his heart to see Yoochun lower his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he whispers deeply, sorrowful and sad.
Changmin's grateful no one has entered the bathroom, is grateful it's the two of them and he wants so bad to make it different. "I should go back to my editor," he finally says quietly, hoping it's not the end.
Yoochun nods slowly, defeated and Changmin moves to leave, but before he can Yoochun rushes him and crushes his body in his arms, breath heated along Changmin's neck.
"Promise me it's business," he whispers desperately. "Promise me it's not a date," he breathes and Changmin tugs at Yoochun's arm, turning around, looking into his eyes, feeling his heart beat against his chest.
"You make me crazy," Changmin sighs exhausted and smoothes Yoochun's frown away, "You're the one who wants to be friends," he explains and brushes his hair behind his ear, runs his finger along Yoochun's full bottom lip and frowns sadly. "If friendship is all you want, things need to change or I can't. I won't be your friend anymore," he promises and before Yoochun can kiss him, he pulls away and walks to the door. "I'm going back to my meeting," he won't look at him, "you should leave."
And before Yoochun can stop him or talk to him or touch him again, Changmin walks out.
His editor is looking at his watch as Changmin approaches, smoothing his jacket down, apologizing profusely. He doesn't ask him what happened or wonder where their dinner crasher has disappeared to, but Changmin watches silently as Yoochun leaves, looking over at his table once more before disappearing from sight. He breathes and tries his best to concentrate on the words and dates coming from his dinner guest's mouth and nods appropriately when needed, wishing he could stop for once, thinking about Yoochun.
They say goodnight after another glass of wine and shake hands. He promises to keep in contact and Changmin wishes him safe travels before they part.
In the car he finally pulls out his phone, he has 10 missed calls and 4 voicemails. All of them are from Yoochun.
He's not mad anymore and after listening to the voicemails he decides to turn the car around and head for his apartment, they need to talk.
After the abhorrent display of jealousy they need to discuss this confusing situation further. He's dealt with jealous people before, boyfriends, girlfriends, but never with a friend, a friend who kisses him. Who makes him feel like he should be cherished and loved.
It's a problem and Changmin can't move on if their relationship continues as is. Yoochun looked so hurt, crazy with pain over the phone and it confuses Changmin so much. His mind races with fear but his heart hopes, and he can't do it much longer, he won't do it much longer.
He can't be friends with someone who bounces so easily between the two.
He needs to talk to Yoochun, he needs to understand, to figure out ultimately what this is, figure out if it is truly friendship, figure out if he needs to close the book and stop the feelings.
His apartment complex is empty and eerily quiet and as Changmin rides the elevator to the top floor he wonders what will happen. He's nervous, a film of sweat glistens along his neck and he rubs at his eyes, hoping the swimming vision clears in time to face him.
No one is in the hallway as he approaches but Changmin's heart pounds so fast he can feel it in his ears, a steady drum along his temples. He stands in front of Yoochun's door, controlling his breathing and reassuring himself that this is the best thing, that this will make sense of it all.
As he knocks he smoothes out the suit, runs his hands through his hair and prepares himself.
No one answers and after a second knock the lock recedes and the door opens to reveal a beautiful girl holding a towel tightly against her body.
"Yes?" she asks with a kind smile and Changmin steps back, mouth falling open, eyes wide in surprise.
Before he can reply with certain apology, he must have confused the numbers, Yoochun appears, eyes glassy and naked from the waist up. He stops the moment he sees Changmin and his smile fades.
"Changmin-" he whispers.
Heat in his eyes and pain screaming through every inch of his body, Changmin does the only thing he can think of that could possibly explain how he feels.
With everything in him, he punches Yoochun.
|CH 6| |CH 8|