(no subject)
hoped he would find confidence when i brought sebrawyn to talk to him. she said she needed help and that he was the only one who could help her. it sounded like addiction, her problem, and that is information he has not lost completely. he might have felt better about having being able to help with that small bit of information because it proves that he has not lost everything yet. even with the many many risks, i heard her out and trusted her and hoped she would not abuse it. her story seemed true at the time but its true, she could have told that to me because she thought i would sympathize. still she had details and they were things that i could see happening but there was no time to check and the camp had too many ears. lucky that there were no elves around to overhear us.
she seemed earnest about how she had come to leave the city at least, and if it is true then the position is cursed. or maybe it makes sense for guards to have these problems. as a guard you face what is foreign and threatening to what you love every day because its your job to do that and protect your people. no one can face that every single day and not come out of it changed by the end. even the stress of needing to always be vigilant will grind you down after a while. you start to see how horrible even your own people can be. you see how ineffectively the system youve sworn to serve operates. you see how little the other races care to understand or even respect your people. the people of the sun, the highborne, who have fallen so far. in that position you cant be blind forever.
you see the worst and cant help but be changed by it.
as i have been, so has she i think. but i havent changed so much that i could turn her and her request away in the end. we owed her our lives. we knew the day would come when the debt would be called in. so i led her home, trying to warn her but i dont think she believed me or maybe she thought i had exaggerated. the entire way i could see a million ways for this go to wrong. but then everything fell into place i suppose. he agreed to see her to clear the debt and she agreed to be careful. and true to his word he made every effort to help her and it sounded like he was well enough to explain. better. remembered enough from what he was saying so it had to be right. i still remember the oatmeal.
at least she stayed for dinner. hard to tell but i think she liked it. its been so long since i cooked for a guest. the joy of crafting a meal for someone else... but maybe it was too simple. our people have always liked opulent food. she wont be a guest again though. i knew something was wrong when her bull husband didnt escort her. should have known she was hiding something. stupid stupid stupid. but they dont know me well if they think to hide someone whos brighter than anything else.
when i saw her husband lurking nearby my heart nearly stopped. it was the bull who kidnapped him and gave him to the dragons, his voice his face his form so like the memory that haunts me, feed sack and all. my anger was so strong that it burned through my hunger, told me to run that figure through like how i couldnt in my dreams. stop the dragons from ever taking him and then its just a fever dream to wake up from. it would be no less than the bull deserves. not apologies. no apology will ever make up for what he has endured. but i hadnt paid my part of the debt and there was him to consider too, especially when sebrawyn was foolish enough to run outside and tip him off that something had happened.
so i let the bull leave with her in the end, as much it hurt to do that, and returned to the cabin to tend to him. whatever i may feel about this, he cant ever know what happened. its clear any positive effects from her visit have been lost. and sun i know it isnt reasonable to be angry with him, especially since i must be responsible for everything thats happened with this visit. he cant usually help how he is. after all some days he is well enough to get by.
and then some days i have to watch him fall apart and try to help him put it all back together again. but the pieces dont fit like they did before. slivers lost like dust into the wind and more and more cant be found the next time he crumbles. all i can do now is try to carve out a safe place for him and help him keep some measure of dignity still. sun, who am i who can guarantee another sunrise, let alone safety from all of our enemies? i cant do that. i cant even protect him from himself. not the times he closes himself in his room or the times he tries to remember. sun knows its not any of the intrusions either. he forgets more than he remembers and then feels worse and worse. and then we work on putting everything together again. thats all i can do. of course i can say the words still like i used to. but we both know better than that now. once maybe. i believed once. now its enough of a struggle to keep every from coming apart again.
how many times can you pull a man together again before there is nothing left to put together?
she seemed earnest about how she had come to leave the city at least, and if it is true then the position is cursed. or maybe it makes sense for guards to have these problems. as a guard you face what is foreign and threatening to what you love every day because its your job to do that and protect your people. no one can face that every single day and not come out of it changed by the end. even the stress of needing to always be vigilant will grind you down after a while. you start to see how horrible even your own people can be. you see how ineffectively the system youve sworn to serve operates. you see how little the other races care to understand or even respect your people. the people of the sun, the highborne, who have fallen so far. in that position you cant be blind forever.
you see the worst and cant help but be changed by it.
as i have been, so has she i think. but i havent changed so much that i could turn her and her request away in the end. we owed her our lives. we knew the day would come when the debt would be called in. so i led her home, trying to warn her but i dont think she believed me or maybe she thought i had exaggerated. the entire way i could see a million ways for this go to wrong. but then everything fell into place i suppose. he agreed to see her to clear the debt and she agreed to be careful. and true to his word he made every effort to help her and it sounded like he was well enough to explain. better. remembered enough from what he was saying so it had to be right. i still remember the oatmeal.
at least she stayed for dinner. hard to tell but i think she liked it. its been so long since i cooked for a guest. the joy of crafting a meal for someone else... but maybe it was too simple. our people have always liked opulent food. she wont be a guest again though. i knew something was wrong when her bull husband didnt escort her. should have known she was hiding something. stupid stupid stupid. but they dont know me well if they think to hide someone whos brighter than anything else.
when i saw her husband lurking nearby my heart nearly stopped. it was the bull who kidnapped him and gave him to the dragons, his voice his face his form so like the memory that haunts me, feed sack and all. my anger was so strong that it burned through my hunger, told me to run that figure through like how i couldnt in my dreams. stop the dragons from ever taking him and then its just a fever dream to wake up from. it would be no less than the bull deserves. not apologies. no apology will ever make up for what he has endured. but i hadnt paid my part of the debt and there was him to consider too, especially when sebrawyn was foolish enough to run outside and tip him off that something had happened.
so i let the bull leave with her in the end, as much it hurt to do that, and returned to the cabin to tend to him. whatever i may feel about this, he cant ever know what happened. its clear any positive effects from her visit have been lost. and sun i know it isnt reasonable to be angry with him, especially since i must be responsible for everything thats happened with this visit. he cant usually help how he is. after all some days he is well enough to get by.
and then some days i have to watch him fall apart and try to help him put it all back together again. but the pieces dont fit like they did before. slivers lost like dust into the wind and more and more cant be found the next time he crumbles. all i can do now is try to carve out a safe place for him and help him keep some measure of dignity still. sun, who am i who can guarantee another sunrise, let alone safety from all of our enemies? i cant do that. i cant even protect him from himself. not the times he closes himself in his room or the times he tries to remember. sun knows its not any of the intrusions either. he forgets more than he remembers and then feels worse and worse. and then we work on putting everything together again. thats all i can do. of course i can say the words still like i used to. but we both know better than that now. once maybe. i believed once. now its enough of a struggle to keep every from coming apart again.
how many times can you pull a man together again before there is nothing left to put together?