Insomnia
You ever just up at 2am unable to sleep? Thats me tonight. Cant understand why - just all this energy that i cant seem to direct anywhere. I mean if i thought that random sex would fix it - well i'd have nowhere to take that unless i dorve 18 hours down to fla. but i could go out on the street or to a bar and just take some random man home with me - oh wait no i cant cause yea - i live it home... anyways not the point of my raving. I couldnt do the sex thing anyways - cause that usually wakes me up and gives me energy - not what i need right now - although that kind of release would be great... not that ANY of you wanted to know that - but guess what - my journal my space. I have no secrets, you can just pick and choose what you want to read - just dont yell at me if you learn too much about me - i'm not the sweet innocent girl that most people think i am - its always the quiet ones right? Yea too bad i'm not usually a quiet one. ;) Oh well. I have no real purpose for this ranting and raving and rambling except for my own personal enjoyment.
You know i think this is one of my favorite times in my house - when everyone is asleep - no one knows what i'm up to - thats why i need to move out - because the feeling of being alone in this big (not HUGE but big enough for 5) house is what makes me happy. Scared less of the time than i'm happy. I'm still not completely over the night when i was in 8th grade and i swear someone knocked on the window by my porch and i saw a face - even though no one was home nor were they even near home - yeah that night all of the lights went on in my house. I used to have those nights in my bedroom too when i would swear i saw a face outside my bedroom window (on the 2nd floor) -- not something i should be remembering when i'm supposed to be trying to go to sleep. I also used to have to check the closet and under the bed in my room and any other nook and cranny just to make sure nothing was lurking there before i went to sleep - and if i had to wake up to use the bathroom - the shower curtain needed to be open and in the direction that i could see into the shower, otherwise it would take me twice as long to walk into the bathroom - paranoid? probably - whatever. ALSO!! Also - ooh this still freaks me out - sometimes i'm in the bathroom and i look real quick, when its late at night and i see a head poking around the stairway staring at me - or i'm afraid to go downstairs in case the man that i know will one day rob my house - will be down there waiting to shoot me because i saw his face.... WHY did i get on this tangent - i have no idea - not very pleasant thinking - it started out amusing - now i'm just freaking myself into staying awake - must have been an unknown goal of mine. Oh well, i betcha in like 30 minutes i'll pass out. That is if i can get my mind to stop racing that is - it goes thru every possible idea i've had for the last week - reviews my night - relives my day - and then lets me walk into my fantasy world where i am a size 8 (i dont need to be a 2 just an 8 but a toned 8 - someday), and men fall at my feet - you would think if this was my fantasy world i would dream these things right? nope - i have little to no control over my dreams - this i can control - my dreams themselves arent bad - they are just uncontrollable - my fantasies - they can be whatever i want them to be - and trust me - sad as it is they arent usually sexual - i can fantasize how mr wonderful came up and asked me for coffee or something - but i usually fine tune it so much that i dont ever get to the sex part while i'm awake. So then my dreams take over and its entirely different - not usually sexual either sad to say.... well thats a lie - but i'm not sharing all my secrets here - i've already rambled for about 13 minutes by my clock - and i'm sure this is REALLY long, so yea - this pointless insomniadic post is just about over...
Ok, now its over
You know i think this is one of my favorite times in my house - when everyone is asleep - no one knows what i'm up to - thats why i need to move out - because the feeling of being alone in this big (not HUGE but big enough for 5) house is what makes me happy. Scared less of the time than i'm happy. I'm still not completely over the night when i was in 8th grade and i swear someone knocked on the window by my porch and i saw a face - even though no one was home nor were they even near home - yeah that night all of the lights went on in my house. I used to have those nights in my bedroom too when i would swear i saw a face outside my bedroom window (on the 2nd floor) -- not something i should be remembering when i'm supposed to be trying to go to sleep. I also used to have to check the closet and under the bed in my room and any other nook and cranny just to make sure nothing was lurking there before i went to sleep - and if i had to wake up to use the bathroom - the shower curtain needed to be open and in the direction that i could see into the shower, otherwise it would take me twice as long to walk into the bathroom - paranoid? probably - whatever. ALSO!! Also - ooh this still freaks me out - sometimes i'm in the bathroom and i look real quick, when its late at night and i see a head poking around the stairway staring at me - or i'm afraid to go downstairs in case the man that i know will one day rob my house - will be down there waiting to shoot me because i saw his face.... WHY did i get on this tangent - i have no idea - not very pleasant thinking - it started out amusing - now i'm just freaking myself into staying awake - must have been an unknown goal of mine. Oh well, i betcha in like 30 minutes i'll pass out. That is if i can get my mind to stop racing that is - it goes thru every possible idea i've had for the last week - reviews my night - relives my day - and then lets me walk into my fantasy world where i am a size 8 (i dont need to be a 2 just an 8 but a toned 8 - someday), and men fall at my feet - you would think if this was my fantasy world i would dream these things right? nope - i have little to no control over my dreams - this i can control - my dreams themselves arent bad - they are just uncontrollable - my fantasies - they can be whatever i want them to be - and trust me - sad as it is they arent usually sexual - i can fantasize how mr wonderful came up and asked me for coffee or something - but i usually fine tune it so much that i dont ever get to the sex part while i'm awake. So then my dreams take over and its entirely different - not usually sexual either sad to say.... well thats a lie - but i'm not sharing all my secrets here - i've already rambled for about 13 minutes by my clock - and i'm sure this is REALLY long, so yea - this pointless insomniadic post is just about over...
Ok, now its over