(no subject)
I think I want to tell you that I'm sorry and I miss you. Both of those things are what I think about. I'm sorry I kept picking on you even when you were so frustrated you locked yourself in your room, and that I didn't understand that you weren't me and weren't coping the same way I was. We had to deal with the same bullshit and the same move and the same changes, but at some point I made the decision to be stubborn and get through it and get over it, and you just couldn't. You couldn't take that path, that stance, that method of rebellion. I thought about it, and after a while, after a long while I was able to just learn from the bad and the mediocre and the unsavory and get through it. Sure, I got so mad sometimes I wanted to leave, to go any where rather than stay there, but I couldn't. I couldn't run or move or anything for fear of breaking Mom's heart. I think the possibility of her making a mistake in choosing the husband she did tore her up, more than any child can understand. I'm only just thinking about it now, and it's been almost a decade, if not one entirely. But still. I'm sorry. I knew then that they were pushing you towards being a little me, being as good as I was in school or as creative or whatever, even though you're as smart as I am and I know that. But your intelligence manifests itself in other ways, and I know it's taken a few years of recuperation but you got through it in your own way.
You were able to move, to go, to find another way of coping. I don't know how you could've made that decision out of anything but emotion, but I wonder if you think about it and what it's done to your life and the changes it's incurred. People sometimes don't know I have a brother because I don't talk about you much, I don't refer to you in daily conversation because I don't see you anymore. I've actually gotten this streak of affection for you because I miss you sometimes and I'm sad I didn't see you as often as I could. I'm missing out on you growing up, and you missed out on me growing up, and our circles and orbits in this world are farther apart than siblings should be. But I know you're doing better and you've gotten settled and you're becoming someone you like and want to be, and that's good. That's really good and I'm proud of you for that.
You were able to move, to go, to find another way of coping. I don't know how you could've made that decision out of anything but emotion, but I wonder if you think about it and what it's done to your life and the changes it's incurred. People sometimes don't know I have a brother because I don't talk about you much, I don't refer to you in daily conversation because I don't see you anymore. I've actually gotten this streak of affection for you because I miss you sometimes and I'm sad I didn't see you as often as I could. I'm missing out on you growing up, and you missed out on me growing up, and our circles and orbits in this world are farther apart than siblings should be. But I know you're doing better and you've gotten settled and you're becoming someone you like and want to be, and that's good. That's really good and I'm proud of you for that.