(no subject)
Agh, it still really wrecks me to think of all the people I was close to who don't trust me or want to talk to me ever again because of my drinking problem. I wish there were some way they could just see me now and realize that I'm done with it and just sad and lonely and scared. Oh well. Haven't touched a drop since before my sentencing in March, still not craving it and never doing it again. But it's lonely, it really is. I still smoke and I get really panicky when I leave the house sometimes because of my emotional issues from being abused and being poor, but I seriously don't want to drink AT ALL it's scary and alien to me. On the 4th I went to a party with tons of booze there and there was no craving or any of that shit they tell you you'll struggle with. The only thing I'm struggling with is crippling fear to the point of hyperventilation that I'm not good enough and that people will hurt me or not like me. I know it's stupid and childish, but it really is almost impossible for me to spend too much time alone out of the house without hyperventilating. The funny part is then I'm scared to come home because I'm afraid someone will be waiting for me. Anybody, everybody, my ex gf, my ex wife, the guy who beat me up last year, the dude who molested me at a party when I was drunk, one of the many people who took advantage of me when I was a drunk, etc, fucking ANYBODY. And this really isn't helped by that random dude Garu breaking into my house thinking his gf was screwing me. Which she wasn't. But seriously, breaking into my house? I'm already paranoid and that doesn't make it any better let me assure you. So now I'm even scared to sleep again, it's like two steps back every time I try to do anything. I always feel threatened unless someone is holding me and even then it depends on the person. I guess I'm just really fucked up or something. I get told I'm emotionally unstable, that I'm a threat to the community and shit and I'm like "Who the fuck have I HURT?" and I don't know anymore. Maybe I really did something bad and I just don't remember it and that's why everybody hates me. But I don't know and I'm really scared and the only solution as far as I can tell is to get financially secure so that I can REST and feel SAFE for just a few days. Maybe a week. Ever. I've NEVER felt safe for long in my life, every time I've felt safe enough to start to relax it's "back to work Eric!" and I just can't do it. I'm too scared now, because I TRIED working hard and doing what I was told, and then I got hurt for that by Gulie and even by Cathy (although I was pretty nuts by then so I certainly did hurt her first). So I don't know, I need some damn sleep. I'm not drinking and I'm not hurting anyone and I'm not hurting myself because I flat out refuse to do any of that crap anymore, so don't worry about me please I will be fine I just had to say this somewhere in the hopes that maybe one of my friends or people who I cherish that I fucked up with and who left me alone sees it and maybe tells me I'm not as horrible as I think I am. Gulie called me a monster all the time, and it made me feel really fucking bad for years. And I still feel like I;m a monster because people don't invite me to stuff and they put off meeting up with me and then when they DO meet up with me they seem to want to get away from me or I dominate the conversation or something. I'm probably just paranoid, but I AM paranoid and it sucks. I'm going to sleep now,