stream of consciousness
God, wow.
He blows me away.
He says he will make all things clear. I’m at another one of those places in my life where everything looks like it could change, and I really want it to, but am not sure it would be as good as I think it would, and am afraid to hope it will because when it all comes down to it I feel like God will not have it change yet.
But he will make all things clear.
And he knows best.
And he really does want to bless me. Like today, at church, the kids had a lot to do, and we practiced my anthem for like a whole 3 minutes. I said “Okay, that’s good!” because we didn’t have enough time to work on anything enough to make a difference (I didn’t even feel like I was playing it that well.). Then when they were about to perform it, I prayed that it would go “awesome” (determined to be positive and pray rather than allow any negative thoughts), and it did! I even played really well-I could just feel the grace of God on it. I prayed again and felt like God really wanted to remind me that he just wants to bless me. He loves to bless me. I want to ask for it more often-ask for things to go well, ask for Kingdom opportunities-give Him the opportunity to bless me, and me the opportunity to bless Him!
If he wants to bless me so much, why do I feel any negativity in the form of “my life probably won’t change.” (Like, my flesh whines sometimes about being in Jackson, being single, etc. etc. etc. whatever. I’m not even sure if I want to be out of Jackson, or to be attached right now-a lot of times those things aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.)
So it’s interesting to think about.
Right now I’m thinking about my friend Joe, and really all I can do is keep going in the direction I’m going and see what God does with it. If I had my guess (based on past experience), I’ll keep being me and being friends, and if God wants to do something with it, it will totally shock me. Then I’ll feel all crazy again like “does God really want to do something with this? Like, does he want us to get married?” and I’ll go through the whole process again and have to still keep being me and walking and just seeing what happens, and it’ll go one way or the other … I guess sometimes I wish there was a shortcut and I could just know. I want to know whether to be excited or not.
I feel this way with all the parts of my life that “could” change or could “not.” I want to know if change is coming … or if the winds seem to be changing but really it will be another year of living in the same place hanging out with the same people working the same job (which, I have to admit, has been more enjoyable this year than ever before; I love you family. I just dream of something more sometimes …).
Dreams … sometimes I cry because I still just want to sing on a stage somewhere, and I wonder if it will ever be possible to do a graduate assistantship or something like that, and try to get myself to be content with the possibility that I will go from day to day trusting God to have my voice there for me when I need it (like now-and he is faithful), but never really doing anything beyond church with it.
And I really dream of being in Port Huron … and I dream of ministry (hmm J I just smiled because I really do enjoy ministering with you all sometimes. It really just made me smile. Part of me does not want to leave that at all … In fact, I want to be more immersed in a world where people actually mean what they say. I would love myself to get used to life in the barn-have it be normal-because I know it would grind me for a while. Come on … working in the barn with people like Steve D. would grind me … but if my heart got more used to it, to life with people who were honest … like Hez and Sue and Walt … and having that become normal … that would be so good for me. Normal to me is still inside the box, slightly insecure, very polite, smiling, and at the end of the day empty. I long to change more …
He blows me away.
He says he will make all things clear. I’m at another one of those places in my life where everything looks like it could change, and I really want it to, but am not sure it would be as good as I think it would, and am afraid to hope it will because when it all comes down to it I feel like God will not have it change yet.
But he will make all things clear.
And he knows best.
And he really does want to bless me. Like today, at church, the kids had a lot to do, and we practiced my anthem for like a whole 3 minutes. I said “Okay, that’s good!” because we didn’t have enough time to work on anything enough to make a difference (I didn’t even feel like I was playing it that well.). Then when they were about to perform it, I prayed that it would go “awesome” (determined to be positive and pray rather than allow any negative thoughts), and it did! I even played really well-I could just feel the grace of God on it. I prayed again and felt like God really wanted to remind me that he just wants to bless me. He loves to bless me. I want to ask for it more often-ask for things to go well, ask for Kingdom opportunities-give Him the opportunity to bless me, and me the opportunity to bless Him!
If he wants to bless me so much, why do I feel any negativity in the form of “my life probably won’t change.” (Like, my flesh whines sometimes about being in Jackson, being single, etc. etc. etc. whatever. I’m not even sure if I want to be out of Jackson, or to be attached right now-a lot of times those things aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.)
So it’s interesting to think about.
Right now I’m thinking about my friend Joe, and really all I can do is keep going in the direction I’m going and see what God does with it. If I had my guess (based on past experience), I’ll keep being me and being friends, and if God wants to do something with it, it will totally shock me. Then I’ll feel all crazy again like “does God really want to do something with this? Like, does he want us to get married?” and I’ll go through the whole process again and have to still keep being me and walking and just seeing what happens, and it’ll go one way or the other … I guess sometimes I wish there was a shortcut and I could just know. I want to know whether to be excited or not.
I feel this way with all the parts of my life that “could” change or could “not.” I want to know if change is coming … or if the winds seem to be changing but really it will be another year of living in the same place hanging out with the same people working the same job (which, I have to admit, has been more enjoyable this year than ever before; I love you family. I just dream of something more sometimes …).
Dreams … sometimes I cry because I still just want to sing on a stage somewhere, and I wonder if it will ever be possible to do a graduate assistantship or something like that, and try to get myself to be content with the possibility that I will go from day to day trusting God to have my voice there for me when I need it (like now-and he is faithful), but never really doing anything beyond church with it.
And I really dream of being in Port Huron … and I dream of ministry (hmm J I just smiled because I really do enjoy ministering with you all sometimes. It really just made me smile. Part of me does not want to leave that at all … In fact, I want to be more immersed in a world where people actually mean what they say. I would love myself to get used to life in the barn-have it be normal-because I know it would grind me for a while. Come on … working in the barn with people like Steve D. would grind me … but if my heart got more used to it, to life with people who were honest … like Hez and Sue and Walt … and having that become normal … that would be so good for me. Normal to me is still inside the box, slightly insecure, very polite, smiling, and at the end of the day empty. I long to change more …