eo quarterly
I have been looking for a new place to live for the past week now. So far, nothing has felt right. I'm mostly looking up near Hollywood... north of the 10, west of the 5... I want a good clean house of friends to live with. Hardwood floors and lots of light. Walking distance to a CVS. I don't know...
I have been on a spring cleaning sort of kick since the new year, and it makes me wish i had all my stuff that is in storage here to go through and get rid of. So far, I have divested myself of a lot of makeup and that feels good. There is still way more to go.
I've been watching tv so slowly lately, it's ridiculous. I'm caught up in a good book that I'm sure some of you have already read (A Game of Thrones). I'm barely in to it at all. I meant to take it with me when I went north to look for housing last week, but it got left behind in the rush to get out the door. When I'm done here, I'm going to go read some more.
I've been going to old-lady-Wednesdays with my aunt and her group of friends. They go to the movies, see a 2 o'clockish matinee, and then have Friday's for dinner. So far this year, we've watched The King's Speech, which I loved, and Black Swan, which was really damn disturbing. It has grown on me, since. Natalie Portman probably deserves an Oscar. I skipped today's. Girly crap. They saw The Fighter and my aunt said she would have rather skipped it.
New Year's Eve was quiet-ish. Went to a club in Costa Mesa, met up with a few friends, watched one of them spin, rang in the new year with a sip of champagne that wasn't awful and then went home around 1. I like this productive feeling I've has since then and I hope it continues into the year. I'm very unfocused right now. What to do next is all cloudy in front of me, but I'm hoping things start falling in to place once I have secured a place to live. Until then, it's hard being far away down here in SJC, an hour+ from anything I'd want to do. I have been ungrounded and out of work for so long. My days are lacking in structure.
I had a dream that I died last night.
There was this long protracted party scene. I'm pretty sure we were in Vegas. This beautiful 70's looking hepcat black lady was hosting the part and she was in an antique high-backed bathtub with bubbles almost the whole time. Charisma Carpenter was there. Something significant happened there, but I can't remember it now. I felt awkward and at some point, i was in water. When it was time to leave, Charisma and I got in the car. She wasn't really her, but she looked like her. She was supposed to be someone else, but I can't remember who, now.
We were driving down the freeway, heading east. I was on the phone with... a guy... it could have been Kermit, but somehow that doesn't feel right. We were talking about flights and planes... someone had to catch a plane that was delayed... It went on for a while. I remember turning back from the passenger's seat to look off behind me and I saw this plane coming down, so low, it was almost touching the power lines/telephone wires. I remember saying, into the phone, "Wow, that plane is *really* low." pausing and then knowing, with certainty that this plane was going to impact with the freeway at any moment now and it was so close to us, we were going to be caught in the fire. "I love you" i said, to the person on the line, then i hung up and faced forward and felt the crash behind us.
I took some deep slow breaths, thiinking about snow and ice and polar bears and arctic seas. I slowed time and built a bubble around us, there in the car. it was blue and clear like a marble. I remember thinking that if i could keep it slow enough and cold enough in here, we might just reach the threshold and break away, but the explosion was too big. It was coming too fast. I felt the bubble slowly melt and so much orange and red fold in around us. Felt the back of the car lift up off the ground. Felt the pressure wave against the back of my head. And then we woke up.
We were standing on a lawn... maybe a park, not-Charisma and I. There were three dogs at our feet, between us. All three were hers. She pointed down at the fluffiest looking one and said, "That's ______" and suddenly I knew he had been dead for a long time. Childhood dog of hers maybe? Her husband joined us on the grass. She didn't seem very phased by it all. I'm not sure if he was already dead before then or if he had been caught in the blast and joined us here, but it became pretty clear that that's what we were... dead.. in holding... limbo? Whatever people call it.
I started walking forward, down the grassy strip. There was a sidewalk running through it. People walked by. There were joggers and dogs and people everywhere, like a Sunday in the park. I remember thinking, "no. i wasn't done." and then i started crying, waves that kept getting stronger. Not-Charisma and her husband caught up with me and tried to console me. I tried to explain that I wasn't sad that I was dead, but... something had been left unfinished and... I can't remember what it was, now, but it was important, personal and emotional. Maybe something to do with whoever the boy was on the phone. "I love you."
At some point, I ran into Canadian!David, although it was pretty clear to me that he wasn't dead. Some sort of projection, maybe? He looked at me funny and asked me what I was doing there. "You don't belong here," he said, "Come with me. I'm going to take you to see the lady." I followed him to a house that was sunken down - you had to walk down stairs to enter the front door. Inside, things were small. There was furniture everwhere, but organised. And here, again, was the 70's black woman from the party, only she was out of the bathtub, dressed in flowing robe-like things, folds of fabric everywhere. Her face was sharp and angular, young, but also very old. She was with someone else. I waited my turn and then sat down with her.
She looked up at me, with these clear eyes. I couldn't tell you the color now, but they were very clear to me in the dream. "You don't beleive in any of this, do you?" she asked me. "No. No, I don't. I don't know why I'm here." I told her. We talked for a little while longer, maybe even without words. I only remember that she understood me and that she was the one who could make the decison to send me back, however I had gotten here. I remember the table in front of us and the sound of her voice, the movement of her earrings. In the end, she told David to take me and go (back). He took my arm and, as we turned to walk out the door, everything faded to white and I woke up. It was 8:30.
I have been on a spring cleaning sort of kick since the new year, and it makes me wish i had all my stuff that is in storage here to go through and get rid of. So far, I have divested myself of a lot of makeup and that feels good. There is still way more to go.
I've been watching tv so slowly lately, it's ridiculous. I'm caught up in a good book that I'm sure some of you have already read (A Game of Thrones). I'm barely in to it at all. I meant to take it with me when I went north to look for housing last week, but it got left behind in the rush to get out the door. When I'm done here, I'm going to go read some more.
I've been going to old-lady-Wednesdays with my aunt and her group of friends. They go to the movies, see a 2 o'clockish matinee, and then have Friday's for dinner. So far this year, we've watched The King's Speech, which I loved, and Black Swan, which was really damn disturbing. It has grown on me, since. Natalie Portman probably deserves an Oscar. I skipped today's. Girly crap. They saw The Fighter and my aunt said she would have rather skipped it.
New Year's Eve was quiet-ish. Went to a club in Costa Mesa, met up with a few friends, watched one of them spin, rang in the new year with a sip of champagne that wasn't awful and then went home around 1. I like this productive feeling I've has since then and I hope it continues into the year. I'm very unfocused right now. What to do next is all cloudy in front of me, but I'm hoping things start falling in to place once I have secured a place to live. Until then, it's hard being far away down here in SJC, an hour+ from anything I'd want to do. I have been ungrounded and out of work for so long. My days are lacking in structure.
I had a dream that I died last night.
There was this long protracted party scene. I'm pretty sure we were in Vegas. This beautiful 70's looking hepcat black lady was hosting the part and she was in an antique high-backed bathtub with bubbles almost the whole time. Charisma Carpenter was there. Something significant happened there, but I can't remember it now. I felt awkward and at some point, i was in water. When it was time to leave, Charisma and I got in the car. She wasn't really her, but she looked like her. She was supposed to be someone else, but I can't remember who, now.
We were driving down the freeway, heading east. I was on the phone with... a guy... it could have been Kermit, but somehow that doesn't feel right. We were talking about flights and planes... someone had to catch a plane that was delayed... It went on for a while. I remember turning back from the passenger's seat to look off behind me and I saw this plane coming down, so low, it was almost touching the power lines/telephone wires. I remember saying, into the phone, "Wow, that plane is *really* low." pausing and then knowing, with certainty that this plane was going to impact with the freeway at any moment now and it was so close to us, we were going to be caught in the fire. "I love you" i said, to the person on the line, then i hung up and faced forward and felt the crash behind us.
I took some deep slow breaths, thiinking about snow and ice and polar bears and arctic seas. I slowed time and built a bubble around us, there in the car. it was blue and clear like a marble. I remember thinking that if i could keep it slow enough and cold enough in here, we might just reach the threshold and break away, but the explosion was too big. It was coming too fast. I felt the bubble slowly melt and so much orange and red fold in around us. Felt the back of the car lift up off the ground. Felt the pressure wave against the back of my head. And then we woke up.
We were standing on a lawn... maybe a park, not-Charisma and I. There were three dogs at our feet, between us. All three were hers. She pointed down at the fluffiest looking one and said, "That's ______" and suddenly I knew he had been dead for a long time. Childhood dog of hers maybe? Her husband joined us on the grass. She didn't seem very phased by it all. I'm not sure if he was already dead before then or if he had been caught in the blast and joined us here, but it became pretty clear that that's what we were... dead.. in holding... limbo? Whatever people call it.
I started walking forward, down the grassy strip. There was a sidewalk running through it. People walked by. There were joggers and dogs and people everywhere, like a Sunday in the park. I remember thinking, "no. i wasn't done." and then i started crying, waves that kept getting stronger. Not-Charisma and her husband caught up with me and tried to console me. I tried to explain that I wasn't sad that I was dead, but... something had been left unfinished and... I can't remember what it was, now, but it was important, personal and emotional. Maybe something to do with whoever the boy was on the phone. "I love you."
At some point, I ran into Canadian!David, although it was pretty clear to me that he wasn't dead. Some sort of projection, maybe? He looked at me funny and asked me what I was doing there. "You don't belong here," he said, "Come with me. I'm going to take you to see the lady." I followed him to a house that was sunken down - you had to walk down stairs to enter the front door. Inside, things were small. There was furniture everwhere, but organised. And here, again, was the 70's black woman from the party, only she was out of the bathtub, dressed in flowing robe-like things, folds of fabric everywhere. Her face was sharp and angular, young, but also very old. She was with someone else. I waited my turn and then sat down with her.
She looked up at me, with these clear eyes. I couldn't tell you the color now, but they were very clear to me in the dream. "You don't beleive in any of this, do you?" she asked me. "No. No, I don't. I don't know why I'm here." I told her. We talked for a little while longer, maybe even without words. I only remember that she understood me and that she was the one who could make the decison to send me back, however I had gotten here. I remember the table in front of us and the sound of her voice, the movement of her earrings. In the end, she told David to take me and go (back). He took my arm and, as we turned to walk out the door, everything faded to white and I woke up. It was 8:30.