time, people, things....we all change in due time

[eowyn17]

so many things have been going on. during finals, well all semester actually, i discovered that i am not the same person that i once was. i found myself skipping the occasional class, not studying as hard as i should, blowing things off for longer than usual. my grades were not my usual. life here just seems....i don't know anymore. over this past semester i have found myself feeling such an odd sensation. its one of neither happiness or sadness. i actually don't completely know what it is, but its different. i love all of my friends to death, i would do anything for them,anything. but lately i can't help but feel that they don't need me, and....... i don't need them. this is truly a different feeling for me. i have always been so tightly bound to my friends, felt i couldnt' survive without them. well, in a way i didnt'. i died, the old me died when everyone moved away.it a sense, it was the end. but i have changed, its a new me. it might not be better, but its different, kinda. don't get me wrong, i haven't completely changed, im still me, but i feel more secure, more individualistic, more myself. being alone i don't have to worry about what someone is going to think of me or if it will do harm to our friendship. being alone the only one i have to worry about having to answer to for my actions is God. im not some kind of party animal or wild college girl or anything like that i have just simply learned to speak for myself. there are still times when i wished i had curly or bri to speak for me or to help me be, but i realize that i don't need them to be me. it eases the pain a little, but its still there. while curly was in town (for a very short time i will add) i spent probably about 15 min. with her, and that was while i was working. there was a movie night that i should have went to but i just didnt' have it in me to get out in the elements. she contacted me no more while she was here. i guess she figured she doesn't need me anymore either. oh well, some things , onced changed, will never be the same.

i love you all, don't ever forget that.

i know most people believe self mutilation to be an act carried out by "emo kids" . i just want to say for the record, i have never nor will i ever be an emo kid. i had, have, a sickness. i not saying its okay or justifying in any way, but people can't critized something that they have no knowkledge on . for those of you that know me, you should be glad to know that its been so long that i have mutilated that i don't even recall when it was. this is something that i am proud of.

sorry to bore you all to death, i just had to get that out there.
merry christmas, happy hanukah, and happy new year to you all.

for now, or maybe forever....