The Prisoner of Zenda: 1 of 4
Written for the reel_sga challenge
Pairings: Primarily McKay/Sheppard with bits of Weir/Kolya, Wier/Zelenka, and Dex/Teyla
Total word count: 30665
Overall Rating: NC-17; this part PG-13
Beta'd by the fabulous lamardeuse
Watch this movie. You'll see that David Niven's character has it bad for Ronald Colman's - complete with jealousy over Rassendyll's developing love for Flavia. Someone needed to do something with that. Also, who wouldn't want the opportunity to say Radek of Hentzau? Go ahead. Say it. See what I mean?
The Prisoner of Zenda
Part 1
Dramatis Personae:
(format stolen wholesale from Lamardeuse)
Character
Played by
Original Actor
Rudolf Rassendyll / King Rudolf V
Rodney McKay
Ronald Coleman
Princess Flavia
Teyla Emmagen
Madeleine Carroll
Black Michael
Acastus Kolya
Raymond Massey
Antoinette de Mauban
Elizabeth Weir
Mary Astor
Colonel Zapt
Ronon Dex
C. Aubrey Smith
Capt. Fritz von Tarlenheim
John Sheppard
David Niven
Rupert of Hentzau
Radek Zalenka
Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.
The line at customs was horrendous. Everyone in Europe was trying to get into the capital for the coronation. Rodney scrunched his shoulders and tried to avoid being pressed into the throng. Had these people never heard of queuing theory? One line for all five customs desks would be so much more efficient than one line for each official. And why did he have to get stuck behind the family of seven? Who travels with five kids? He'd have to watch his step. That many children were sure to leave some sort of gooey disgusting mess behind them.
"Finally!" Rodney muttered under his breath as he handed his documents to the official.
"Here for the coronation, sir?" the uniformed man asked politely, flipping through the passport, glancing perfunctorily at Rodney. Rodney thought it was a wonder the man could stand at all, what with the metallic braid dripping from his coat.
"God, no! I've got people to see at the university. I'm staying as far away from the pomp and circumstance as possible."
"Enjoy your stay, Mr. McKay." The official was noticeably cooler as he stamped the passport and returned Rodney's papers.
"That's Dr. McKay."
The man looked up at Rodney again. This time he did a quick double take, and ended up staring.
"Enjoy your stay, Dr. McKay," he repeated woodenly, getting the honorific right, at least.
"Yes, well, thank you." Rodney pocketed his passport as he walked away. He could feel the weight of the man's stare following him as he headed toward the rental car counter.
Of course there was a problem with his car. The girl at the counter was terribly apologetic, you have to understand, sir, with coronation and all the visitors, and so on and so on. She didn't even have an upgrade to offer him. They did have a motorcycle, if Rodney was interested...
"A motorcycle? Do you think for one second I'd risk my brain on a motorcycle?"
Well in that case, please accept our certificate for a free upgrade next time you rent from us, again with the so on.
"Like that's ever going to happen." Rodney didn't even bother to lower his voice, and the girl's smile was strained as she handed him back his useless reservation paper and pointed him to the rank of old-fashioned black cabs just visible outside the terminal. Rodney wasn't going to waste time with the three other car companies. If his confirmed reservation didn't get him a car in this crowd, nothing would.
As he turned to look for the cab stand, behind him he heard her whispering to the woman at the next counter. He thought she'd be muttering about his rudeness to her friend. It wouldn't be the first time, though it didn't say much about her professionalism that she didn't wait until he'd left. Instead of "jerk," though, the words he could make out were, "just like," "twins," and "without the beard."
Rodney could feel her staring at him, too. Was something wrong with his face? Admittedly his beard made him look a little scruffy. He hadn't had a chance to trim it up before leaving Canada, and he had just been on a plane for 14 hours. In the time it took him to shoulder his bag and head for the taxi stand, he forgot the whole thing, not noticing that both women were now watching gape-mouthed behind him.
The next day found Rodney bashing his way through the woods that surrounded the campus. It was that, or bash his way through the labs in the physics building. He'd emailed them he was coming, and yeah, they'd warned him that there weren't many people at the university right now because of the coronation, but there had to be someone who could show him the experimental setups he needed to see. Was it his fault that he had reached the point in his own work where he could go no further without replicating the setup they had here? Sure, he was brilliant, but he couldn't equip his lab for the experiments he needed to run without the materials list, and he couldn't get the materials list without visiting this one horse backwater institution.
Like most academics, these idiots kept tight rein on their intellectual children, and they never described the setup of their groundbreaking quantum electron work, not in a published paper, anyway. They were always willing to let other scientists copy the setup, but anyone not with the university had to visit and observe first hand what was needed and how to deploy it. They said it was for safety, and so they could be sure that other scientists had the understanding to get the experiments right, but Rodney knew it was because this was the only way these scientists, and he used the term loosely, would ever get anyone from outside their teeny little kingdom to acknowledge their existence. The quantum physics work done at this university was this country's Pinot Grand Fenwick, and they were determined to milk the cow as long as they could keep it alive.
The administrative assistant had promised him that Professor Whoevertheheck would be available the day after the coronation. She'd left a note on his desk, and he'd certainly see it when he got back to his office. The woman was shutting down her computer when she said it. Apparently everyone in the small country was crowding into the capital for tomorrow's ceremony, and they were all heading in today. The streets for the procession were probably already lined with lawn chairs and hand-lettered "reserved" signs, except where there were idiots wrapped in sleeping bags, risking hypothermia and ruining their backs by camping overnight on concrete, all for a five-minute glimpse at the outside of a horse-drawn carriage and a lot of marching men in medieval uniforms.
So, for two days, until the main ceremony was over, the campus was deserted but for Rodney. And since he had no car, no taxi to accommodate a ride to anywhere that wasn't the capital, and less than no desire to see some small-time sovereign crowned - Rodney was Canadian. He didn't need a king - it looked like he'd be cooling his heels until the mass-hysteria passed and people got back to the real world.
Rodney was grateful that he had the basics, so the time would pass. He had some journal articles to review, a whole lot of the local coinage, courtesy of the administrative assistant, and a room full of freshly-stocked vending machines in the basement of the 24-hour student union. His room at the guest house wasn't luxurious, but the water was hot and the linens were clean. He'd manage. Or rather, he'd manage if the irritation at being left cooling his heals didn't give him a stroke or a coronary.
That's why he was traipsing through the forest, muttering under his breath. He had to work off some steam, or he'd never survive the next couple of days.
A sharp sound made Rodney stop in his tracks and look around him in confusion. It was closely followed by another report, this one accompanied by a crack and a spray of bark. Reflexes he didn't know he had dropped Rodney to the ground with his arms flung over his head.
"Hey! Hiker here! Stop that!" he shouted. Shouldn't he have been warned about hunting season? Who hunted in June, anyway?
Whoever had been shooting must have heard him, because the rifle shots stopped and a voice hallooed from somewhere close. Rodney stood cautiously as a man strolled into sight from behind a small hillock.
"There you are! Sorry about that. Didn't expect anyone to be wandering around the preserve today. Folks are supposed to sign in at the gate, so we know when it's all right to hunt. Royal preserve and all." The young man looked accusingly at Rodney, as if it was his own fault for getting shot at, which was a point, yeah, but still.
"I wasn't trying to trespass. I thought I was still on university grounds."
"I thought they closed the university down for the coronation. I didn't know there was anyone there today."
"If there were anyone there, I wouldn't be here. I'm stuck waiting until after the st..er..coronation so I can get into the physics lab."
"Von Sheppheim! Who is this?"
Rodney started at the new voice. He turned and looked at the man who joined them. How could someone so big move so quietly? The man was obviously military, of the suspicious "are you a security threat?" sort. And big. Rodney wasn't going intimidated though. A man in his position deals with this type all the time. Maybe just not such big examples of this type.
"Colonel." The young man who'd been shooting at Rodney didn't exactly come to attention, but there was a slight suggestion of straighter in his slouch. So, military, too.
"Will you introduce us?" The Colonel was looking very closely at Rodney. His penetrating gaze was making Rodney very glad that he hadn't done anything worse than wander unknowingly onto the royal game preserve.
"Be happy to, but first I should introduce myself." This time the younger man did stand straight, bringing his heels together and bowing slightly in a courtly, old-fashioned way. "Captain John von Sheppheim, at your service."
Even Rodney couldn't be rude in the face of that sort of politeness, so he offered his hand. "Dr. Rodney McKay." The captain's grip was firm and his hand was warm, and why did Rodney notice this?
"And please let me introduce Colonel Ronon Dex of His Majesty's Personal Guard."
The big man also bowed, but did not offer his hand. Rodney was glad of that. The way the man was looking at him and frowning was beginning to make him very nervous.
"Rodney. Unusual name."
"It's a family name."
"In our country, too. The royal family." The colonel's face cleared. "Royal family! Shave him and he'd be the King!"
Now it was Rodney's turn to frown as he blurted out his gut response, "Oh, no! I have enough responsibility as it is, thank you."
"Who would be the King?" another man stepped into view from among the trees.
"Your Majesty!" both military men came to attention.
Rodney just stared. He'd thought it was an exaggeration, but looking at the King was like looking at a mirror. He recalled the family stories, so very irrelevant at the time, about wandering royalty, impressionable hotel waitresses, and the love of a McKay boy for a pretty girl in trouble. Obviously true.
"And who is this, this man who would be me?" He noticed the King staring back and shook off his paralysis. This was, after all, the King, and his usual brusque manner could get him in serious trouble.
"Dr. Rodney McKay, Your Majesty." The colonel answered, looking to Rodney for more details.
"Yes, well, I'm a physicist. Doing research at the university. Their..."
"...quantum electron lab. Yes, I know. Our contribution to the great discoveries of our time. Where are you from, and how did you end up as my doppelganger?" The king rubbed his own chin, as if picturing himself with a beard like Rodney's.
"I'm Canadian, your Majesty. From Ontario. As to the looks, I'm pretty sure your great-grandfather spent some time in Canada before he took the throne. My great-grandmother's oldest son, Rodney, was born three months early, and family history has it that she was a waitress in the hotel where your great-grandfather stayed in Ottawa."
"You don't mean to say that we're related? I believe it. Rodney the Second had a reputation as a wanderer in more ways than one." The king seemed amused by the idea. "A cousin! Wonderful! You must come have dinner with me at the hunting lodge tonight! Tomorrow the shackles are locked on, but tonight I am still a free man, and what better way to celebrate my last night of freedom than with family!"
It was all very strange, but Rodney didn't think he had any choice. He'd done his best to avoid all the craziness around the coronation, and now here he was, ordered to a command performance dinner with the King himself. The only king he'd ever wanted to meet was the King of Sweden, and then he'd only have to shake his hand as he accepted his Nobel. Now this...this...social torture.
Rodney knew his own abrasive personality. How on earth would he stay polite enough to avoid being thrown in prison for the rest of his life? At best, he'd be kicked out of the country and told never to return, and then what would happen to his research? But there was no escape. Rodney cursed the day he decided he needed the university's expertise.
Apparently Rodney's cooperation was assumed, because Colonel Dex turned and headed through the trees, followed by the King. When Rodney hesitated, Captain von Sheppheim took his elbow and turned him in the right direction. As he guided Rodney along, he leaned in close and whispered, "Thank God! I don't think I could take another all-night binge. Try and keep him distracted, would you? I'd be forever grateful."
Rodney shivered as the Captain's warm breath puffed past his ear. Lovely. Not the time for his fickle libido to react to another man. So not the time. But Rodney couldn't help missing the man's warmth as he dropped back to take the rear in the little procession. This whole trip was shaping into a first-order disaster.
~&~&~&~&~
The night was as bad as Rodney had feared.
The hunting lodge was a Bavarian nightmare. Every wall had at least one glassy-eyed animal head: sharp-toothed boars, deer with four-foot antler spans, even, to Rodney's horror, a snarling cat or two. They were greeted by a pair of huge shaggy hounds, leaping up and slobbering and making unearthly whining noises. A couple of sharp words from the King and the beasts lay down by the fireplace and resumed gnawing on what could only be whole cow leg bones. Rodney gulped as he imagined what dogs that size could do to his skeleton.
The food was tasty enough, Rodney supposed. There were some advantages to being royalty. He'd just never been a fan of game. And how many ways can a cook prepare cabbage? Rodney, usually blessed with a stomach of iron, was so tense that he had trouble eating the heavy food. Even the beautiful pastries served for dessert didn't tempt.
Unfortunately for Rodney, the King kept the wine flowing. Rodney tried to sip for the many toasts, instead of gulp, and he didn't match the King glass-for-glass, but it didn't take long for his head to spin. The king kept sending for more wine, and the servant, Joseph, kept refilling Rodney's glass, and pretty soon Rodney simply lost count.
The colonel didn't drink, but the captain kept pace with the King. Rodney wondered if this was the usual balance of duties for the military pair. Dex maintained his erect bearing and forbidding mien, but von Sheppheim seemed relaxed, and made an effort to converse with Rodney. He even managed to diffuse Rodney's completely legitimate anger when the King offered a toast that included a thinly veiled insult toward Rodney's great-grandmother. Rodney got the feeling that while the King saw him as a new foil for amusement, von Sheppheim was just grateful to be spared for once. Colonel Dex? He just disapproved.
Rodney hoped his dinner invitation included a bed, since he hadn't a chance of finding the university, much less the guest house in his impaired condition. With the next pause in the conversation, he glanced over at von Sheppheim to ask about it, and saw the young captain slumped sideways, mouth open, eyes closed, breathing deeply, obviously overcome by exhaustion and alcohol. Rodney looked blearily around to ask the colonel and found him gone.
The King didn't seem to notice either of his soldiers' retirement from the field, but did notice that both his and Rodney's glasses were empty.
All the bottles at the table were spent, and the King called for the servant, "Joseph, the '68!"
It must have been some special bottle. When it came it was cradled lovingly on a cushion in a basket. The servant poured reverently, first for the King, then for Rodney. The King lifted his glass to make a toast, but Rodney never found out to what. Before he could wrap his hand around his own glass, his head lolled sideways and he slipped unceremoniously into his own inebriated slumber. He wasn't awake to hear the King's toast, to see the King quaff down the entire glass, to watch the King's eyes widen in surprise, to hear the King's exclamation, "Oh, Kolya, what a thing to do to good wine!" Nor did Rodney see the King try to stand, only to crumple to the floor.
~&~&~&~&~
Rodney awoke to the cold shock of water in his face. Forcing his eyes open, he spotted Colonel Dex holding an empty ewer.
"You just..." Rodney sputtered. "What?" He waved his hands around spasmodically, indicating first his own dripping face and torso, then the pitcher in the big man's hands. "Why?"
Dex gestured with the pitcher to the King's still form.
Rodney went over and peered down at the King. "Huh." Rodney leaned over to take a closer look, and had to grab the back of a nearby chair when he was hit by a wave of dizziness. "Some night, " he said, running his hand through his hair. "What happened to him?"
"Joseph found him on the floor this morning." Von Sheppheim was still in his chair, his shirt half-open and his hair disheveled, but the joking peacemaker from the previous night was gone. The man now at the table was grimly alert and poised to move.
The colonel had a mostly-full wine bottle in his hand. "You didn't drink any of this last bottle, did you?"
"Not that I remember."
"You'd know." Dex said, sniffing the contents.
"Why? Was it drugged?" Rodney looked at the two officers in alarm. He could have been killed!
"It was," answered von Sheppheim.
"Shouldn't you call a doctor?" Rodney would have to be checked thoroughly himself. Maybe he had gotten some of the drugged wine.
"No doctors. Not now." Dex was adamant. "A hundred doctors couldn't help him, anyway. I know this stuff. He'll be out for seven or eight more hours."
"But how? Why? Who?" Rodney wasn't panicking. They were fair questions, given the situation.
"Who else but Kolya!"
"Who else!" von Sheppheim practically spat.
"Kolya?" Who was Kolya? Was that even a name? Rodney wondered who named their kid Kolya.
"The King's brother," Dex explained.
"Half-brother," von Sheppheim snorted. "Kolya's mother wasn't exactly acceptable in court circles."
Apparently none of these Royal Rodneys could keep it in their pants. McKay was just as glad he was only distantly related to the lot of them. "This is nuts. What is Kolya thinking?"
"He wants the throne to be offered to him by the people. He wants to pose as their savior from the excesses of an incompetent king." Von Sheppheim's disdain for the King's brother was plain. Rodney couldn't tell whether it was distaste for the man himself, or for his unfortunate birth. He hoped it was the former, because he really preferred to think that his own ancestry wouldn't matter to the rakish captain.
"If he's not crowned today, he'll never be crowned," Dex intoned, staring down at the king's body.
Then, to Rodney's horror, the big colonel turned and stared deliberately right at him.
"Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Are you out of your mind?!? That's a totally insane plan!" If Rodney hadn't been sitting down, he'd have been retreating. As it was, his hands were up in a gesture of pure denial. He turned pleading eyes to von Sheppheim, but there was no help there. "Totally insane," he repeated weakly.
"Shave the beard, and you'll fool your own brother."
"I'm a Canadian physicist. Yes, I'm a genius, and that means I'm smart enough to know my own limits. I couldn't pass as a king! I can just see it: crowded cathedral, hand on the bible, oath of office, then Kolya says 'That's not the King! It's a physicist from Canada!' No thanks."
"It's risk against certainty. If you don't do it, guaranteed the King ends up in prison for life. Or in his grave."
"Jesus! No pressure or anything." Rodney went silent, thinking about it. His stroked his chin and said almost absently, "I really liked this beard."
Von Sheppheim smiled, and even the dour colonel allowed his mouth to turn up at the corners.
McKay turned serious, "What happens if it doesn't work?"
Dex didn't sugarcoat his response, "Death for you, me, and von Sheppheim here. It will make no difference to him." He gestured at the unconscious king.
"King for a day." Rodney mused.
"Good man!"
Rodney turned to find von Sheppheim grinning at him, and realized that, risky as this was, he'd do even stupider things just to get that smile directed at him again.
Colonel Dex leaned down and slid the large ring off the King's finger and handed it to Rodney - the first step in transforming the scientist into a King.
Then the orders started. Dex sent Rodney with Joseph to get cleaned up and shaved. Apparently the servant would be in on the plan, though Rodney didn't think it very wise.
Captain von Sheppheim was tasked with carrying the King's limp body down into a room in the cellar, a room with a lock. He'd had a lot of experience helping his incapacitated Majesty. This wasn't much different. He laid him on a table and gently arranged his arms and legs so they wouldn't cramp. Lacking anything better, von Sheppheim folded his uniform jacket and placed it under the King's head.
"So, Sire, maybe not such a great plan. But he's a smart man, he'll do his best. You just rest here. It's only one day. Then everything will be back to normal."
The captain let his hand linger a moment on the King's shoulder, then left the room, locking the door behind him.
~&~&~&~&~
Meanwhile, in Kolya's apartment at the palace in Strelsau, the King's brother was putting the finishing touches on his grab for power. He sat at his desk, attended by a few nobles, and signed a freshly-penned document:
Proclamation in response to public demand, and taking cognizance of the lamentable public disorders occasioned by the unexplained non-appearance of His Majesty Rodney the Fifth at the solemnities of his coronation. Now therefore I, Kolya, Duke of Zenda, do hereby assume Regency of this Kingdom and ordain and proclaim a state of martial law.
"There. Detchard, take this and be ready. When Rodney fails to show up to his own coronation, the people will beg me to rule."
The man bowed and took the signed scroll, leaving Kolya in the company of his mistress Elizabeth.
Elizabeth watched the proceedings with worry. Her position with Kolya was tenuous at best. If he became Regent, he would have no more use for her. She had no illusions about her fate.
Kolya seemed to sense her unease, but when he grasped her in his arms, it was not to reassure.
"Concerned, my dear?" His smile was half-sneer, half-leer. "You needn't be. I'm not through with you yet. As Regent I'll be free to offer my services to the Princess. Teyla will certainly be happy to turn to her older, more experienced cousin for advice and comfort. But there will be things I want that I can't ask from a Princess of the Blood. And you'll be there, as usual, to give them to me." He pulled her in closer and buried one hand in her hair as he kissed her roughly, forcing her mouth open and invading it with his tongue.
Kolya used the hand in Elizabeth's hair to bend her head. He abandoned her swollen lips for the long line of her exposed throat, nipping her painfully at the point where her pulse fluttered frantically. Elizabeth tried not to struggle - she knew from experience that only made him mistreat her more - but it hurt, and she could not help pushing at him, trying to get away.
Kolya lifted his head and looked her in the eye, grinning fiercely. It was always like this. The prince would be frustrated or tense, and he'd take it out on Elizabeth. She repressed a shudder as Kolya bent again to her neck, gripping her hair even more tightly and using his other hand to start on the buttons of her bodice.
A knock at the door interrupted them.
"Yes?" Kolya's growl alone would frighten away all but the most important business.
"It's Hentzau," came the answer.
"Later, my dear." Kolya said softly, and gave Elizabeth one last kiss before pushing her away and straightening his uniform. By the time he called, "Enter," they were on opposite sides of the room.
Elizabeth was at the window, facing away from the room, so that none who entered could see the despair and relief on her face, when Radek of Hentzau came in. Radek, Kolya's right hand man, was from a family that had long ago lost all but its title. Radek was determined to win back land and fortune. There weren't many ways to do that, and fewer ways to do it quickly. So, as a pragmatist, he'd attached himself to Prince Kolya. He knew it was risky to side with a usurper, but if Black Kolya's plans worked, Hentzau would again be among the kingdom's foremost families.
"It is done, and well, if I say so myself." Radek smiled as he helped himself to a large brandy from the sideboard.
“That remains to be seen. Let's get going. They're gathering for the coronation.”
“Why should we go to the cathedral when the King won't even be there to be crowned?” Radek had better things to do than waste his time waiting for something that wouldn't happen. Also, he was not interested in being associated with Kolya too publicly. A man in his position needed to maintain his flexibility.
“Do you want to make it obvious we knew he wouldn't be coming? We must be there.”
“No, Kolya.” Radek made it a point to address the Prince by name when they were in private. “You must be there. I must have a glass of brandy to celebrate success. I follow when I have finished.”
“Pah! Do as you like. Just be there by the scheduled time. I will need your eyes to see who objects most to my regency.”
Radek raised his glass in salute as Prince Kolya left the room.
When he was sure the prince had gone, Radek moved in closer to Elizabeth, crowding into her personal space. "And what will you do when Kolya is Regent, hmm?" Radek kept his voice low and intimate, even though they were alone.
Elizabeth stood her ground. "I do as I've always done. My loyalty is not in question."
Radek lifted an eyebrow to acknowledge her sally. "You know he will not marry you."
Elizabeth knew that Kolya would never marry her, regency or no regency. She was a convenience to him, and he enjoyed the power he had over her, but that was all. It would have made her happy to be set free, but Kolya wouldn't merely turn her away, he'd make sure she never became an inconvenience. She had no illusions, she would not survive the first month of Kolya's regency. Elizabeth knew too much about Kolya's planning, and he could very easily find another playtoy to take her place.
Dallying with Radek wouldn't help her, though. His sympathy was as false as Kolya's reassurances. If Kolya ever thought she returned Radek's interest, she'd be the one punished. Kolya was possessive, and Hentzau was still useful.
"I thought I heard His Highness order you to your place in the cathedral."
"And now you put me in my place. You know, you don't need to defend yourself against me. I'm on your side. I think Kolya treats you very badly." Radek moved even closer, his voice lower, "I know he has some hold on you." Radek reached out and gently touched the bruise on her throat, "It is the only way he could keep a woman like you."
"That's none of your concern." Elizabeth used her coldest tone. She would not be coaxed into revealing her secret. Too much rode on her silence.
Even more gently, Radek said, "Tell me. I will help you get free. You know I can get past Kolya. You've seen me do it."
Elizabeth didn't answer. She could almost believe the look of concern in Radek's eyes. She had seen Radek outwit Kolya more than once. But it was too dangerous, and not only for her. She would not make any attempt to get free of Kolya while he held all the cards. Instead of replying, she swept past Radek and out the door.
Radek watched her go with a half-smile. Tossing back the remainder of his brandy, he turned to follow. He caught sight of himself in a hanging mirror, and his smile grew broader as he took in his own trim image. He did look good in uniform! Taking his military cap from under his arm, he put it on his head at a jaunty angle and gave it a little tap to settle it. He may be lackey to a powerless prince at the moment, but he would not always be. Kolya's star was ascending, and with it Radek's.
On that happy thought Radek of Hentzau left for the coronation, and the next step in his rise to power.
~&~&~&~&~
At the King's hunting lodge, Captain von Sheppheim was working on turning a newly-shaved physicist into a king. In two hours.
"Look. All you have to do is sneer."
"How's this?" Rodney gave the captain his 'I'm surrounded by idiots' special.
"That's good. That's great. Now move a little bigger."
"Move bigger. What's that supposed to mean?" Rodney fingered the stiff collar of the ceremonial uniform for the fiftieth time. "I can barely move at all in this getup. Move bigger. Humf," he snorted.
Von Sheppheim slapped his hand away, "Stop that! Remember you've worn the uniform your whole life. Act like it."
"His whole life? Really? That explains the sneer." Rodney visibly stopped himself from scratching under the collar again. He tried to move 'bigger,' interpreting it as a combination of stiffness and broad gestures.
"Nah, the sneer comes naturally. The stick-up-the-ass walk - that's from the uniform." the captain's eyes crinkled at the corners as his lips quirked, and Rodney added that to the list of expressions he wanted to see again. Which reminded him of how unlikely it was that he'd ever get the chance.
Even if they survived this, he'd be leaving the country right away, and not coming back until his beard grew. He could probably wangle some sort of special consideration to get him into the university physics department whenever he wanted - maybe work the related to the King angle - but he'd never see John von Sheppheim again. What reason would there be? Rodney's shoulders slumped at that realization, as much as with the thought that his lack of acting skills would probably get them all killed anyway, so moot didn't even begin to describe it.
"Look, Captain von Sheppheim..."
"John."
Rodney looked at the young officer.
"The King calls me John. You should, too."
"OK. John. Look... I'm pretty sure I can't do this. It's not too late to stop. We can take a pass and save a few lives, one of which, need I mention, is mine, but yours and Dex's too."
"But not His Majesty's."
"Exactly my point. I won't be saving his life, either, if I screw up. And chances of that are... well... pretty good."
"You won't screw up, McKay. Just learn your lines, keep your head down, and don't talk unless it's absolutely necessary. It's no secret that the King isn't thrilled with the coronation. No one will notice little screw-ups. They'll just think you're hung over."
"Yeah, OK, but maybe, if he's that incompetent, it would be better that this other guy, Kolya, did take over."
"No! You don't know what you're saying. Rodney V might not be the best king we've ever had, but Kolya makes him look like Queen Victoria. The King's half brother is competent, all right, but he's evil. We managed to keep this country from falling into the hands of the USSR and the Third Reich. We're not going to let a home-grown dictator drag us under!" The man next to Rodney looked every bit the officer now.
"OK, OK. You're a patriot. But I still think it's not in my best interests to do this."
"Think of it as doing the right thing. Think of it as an adventure. If it helps, think of it as saving a man's life."
"Huh. I'd expect your Colonel Dex to use those arguments. He's the conscience, right? With him it's one of those long line of loyal retainer things, isn't it? Gives him special dispensation to look disapproving when the King does something stupid?"
John nodded, eyes crinkling again. Rodney loved that smile.
"So, what are you? You're kinda skinny to be a bodyguard, and kinda young to be head of the spy network. So you're what? some sort of paid companion and babysitter? The royal drinking buddy? What?"
John lost the smile again, and this time Rodney could tell it wasn't coming back. "Friend. I'm his friend." He turned back to the rack of coronation robes and grabbed the heavy velvet cape, "Finish dressing, will you? And let's hear the oath again."
~&~&~&~&~
The drive into Strelsau was too short. Colonel Dex drilled Rodney mercilessly, taking him through the steps in the coronation, the oath he'd have to swear, and the people he'd absolutely have to recognize and talk to.
"My fiancée? The King's engaged? I have to fool the King's fiancée?"
"Don't worry about it. They've never spent a lot of time together, and they haven't seen each other in over two years. They don't even like each other."
"And yet they're getting married?"
"Marriage of state. She's his cousin. It keeps the throne in the family."
"Haven't you people heard of inbreeding? His cousin?"
"Second cousin. And if Rodney's reign is successful, it will be due to Teyla. She inherited all the leadership qualities that missed Rodney. He'd be wise to take her advice in all matters, and with luck, their children will inherit her skills."
Rodney stared at Colonel Dex. This was the longest sentence he'd heard from the taciturn man. Rodney watched the colonel stare out the car window with the air of a man who was not seeing the scenery.
The arrival at the cathedral was noisy and colorful. The crowds lining the streets started cheering the minute the car came into view, and the cheers got louder as Rodney stepped out of the car. It was only Colonel Dex at his side and John right behind him that kept him from retreating back into the dubious safety of the car as the wave of sound assaulted him. John had apparently forgiven him for earlier, because he squeezed Rodney's elbow encouragingly under cover of the voluminous cloak before making his way to his own place in the cathedral. Dex stayed with him, and poked him surreptitiously in the back to get him moving up the steps.
~&~&~&~&~
Inside the building, Kolya and Radek were waiting for the King to not arrive. Detchard was in place, ready to present the declaration of regency as soon as it became obvious that Rodney had failed the country. A grim smile played briefly on Kolya's face. His plans were about to become reality - he would soon be the most powerful man in the country.
Kolya turned to Radek to share his satisfaction, and it was good for him that he did. At that moment the trumpets sounded the arrival of the King, and Kolya could not hide his shock. Leaning toward Radek, he whispered urgently, “You said you took care of things!”
“I did! This morning at dawn His Majesty was out for the day.”
“Then something happened, because his Majesty is up now. What happened?”
“How should I know?”
“If Detchard shows anyone that letter now, it's the end of everything.”
“Perhaps.” Radek's studied nonchalance was designed to irritate.
"It's your neck as well as mine, Hentzau. Go back to the hunting lodge and find out what went wrong."
When the prince finally did turn around, his face was schooled to the solemnity of the occasion.
As Radek slipped out of the crowded cathedral he caught von Sheppheim's eye, and the captain smirked. Clearly, Kolya's plot had both failed and been discovered. It was time for Radek to make his own plans.
~&~&~&~&~
The coronation was a blur to Rodney. From the moment he stepped through the door of the cathedral he could do nothing but concentrate on getting it right. He almost found himself counting, like he used to in that ballroom dance class he took while an undergrad - it fulfilled an unavoidable PhysEd requirement, and he mistakenly thought that learning to dance would help him get dates.
A few impressions stayed with him. As Rodney approached the throne at the front of the vast room his eye was drawn to a figure in stark black. He realized that this must be Black Kolya, the man responsible for this whole farce, and his breath caught. The man inspected him very closely as he approached, and Rodney was sure that his cover would be blown. But instead of speaking out, the man's sneer turned into a particularly unpleasant smile, and Rodney couldn't suppress a shiver as he took the offered arm for the final few steps to the throne. The man was plotting, and the man was evil. Rodney was so busted.
But Kolya didn't say a word. Not then, not when the cardinal opened the floor to objections, not when Rodney almost stumbled over the words of the oath, not when the crown was placed on Rodney's head. Rodney was sure Kolya had him pegged as an impostor, he knew Kolya was planning something, but Rodney had a part, and he had to play it, and his concentration had to be on the ceremony, so he couldn't afford to think about Kolya or his plans.
The other part of the coronation that was clear was Princess Teyla. Rodney didn't think he'd ever seen a woman as striking. It wasn't just her looks, though she was pretty much a perfect specimen. A little short, and not blonde, but she had a serene elegance going that was definitely wow.
When she knelt in front of him and swore fealty, he felt like it was entirely backwards. He was the one who should be offering her his services, not the other way around. He felt like smacking his royal look-alike and asking him what the hell he was thinking playing drunken fool with his country while this woman was obviously so much more fit to rule. Rodney didn't consider himself any kind of feminist, but he hated waste, and to limit this woman to opening hospital wings and speaking at luncheons was a waste of criminal proportions.
Teyla rose, and paused, waiting. Rodney knew he was supposed to acknowledge her oath somehow, but a regal nod didn't seem right. He looked to Colonel Dex, standing just behind the throne, for advice. "Do I kiss her?" he whispered.
The colonel got the strangest look, just for a second, then nodded.
So Rodney stood, gingerly took the princess in his arms, and kissed her, first one cheek, then the other. As he drew back, he smiled at her tentatively. This was his final hurdle. If she accepted that he was the King, then he'd succeeded in his part.
The Princess Teyla must have found his apparent shyness charming, because her polite smile turned warmer as they stood together.
As it did so, a faint but clear murmur of approval swept through the crowd in the cathedral, and Rodney could feel his cheeks warm. What did he expect? Any country that still had a king these days had to have a romantic streak a mile wide.
~&~&~&~&~
From his place among the officers, John von Sheppheim watched the coronation of the ersatz Rodney V. It was obvious that something happened when McKay and Kolya met. Something nonverbal passed between them. The captain was sure that the game was up, and he swallowed as he felt the noose settle around his neck. But there was no revelation, no accusation, and, with John prompting him sub-vocally from across the room, McKay even got the oath right.
John watched, too, as McKay was poleaxed by Princess Teyla. He'd seen her have that effect on men before, but he didn't think McKay was the sort to let any woman get to him. John was surprised. His instincts had told him that McKay had shared more than looks with the King, but watching the scientist's reaction to the princess made him wonder if he'd gotten that wrong. Not that it mattered, except to John, who thought himself pretty good at recognizing when someone was interested in him. He felt a little twist of disappointment as he watched how Rodney's sweetly fumbling kisses made both McKay and the princess blush slightly. It would all be over soon. McKay would leave, Teyla would marry Rodney V, and the King would be a dutiful husband - in public.
~&~&~&~&~
Rodney realized that his ordeal wasn't over when he saw the ornate horse-drawn carriage that would take him through the streets of the capital to the palace. He and Teyla sat uncomfortably erect the entire ride, smiles plastered on their faces, hands raised to wave at the cheering crowds. At least, Rodney was uncomfortable. Teyla looked as regal as ever, making Rodney feel even more the impostor. Thank goodness the noise level was too high for them to be expected to carry on a conversation. Rodney was nearing the end of his ability to fake a regal air, and he was sure that he'd slip with every word he uttered.
When they reached the palace, there was even more smiling and waving, this time from the balcony. Rodney actually had a moment of pride on that balcony. He took Teyla's hand, bowed over it, and kissed it, bringing another true smile to her lips, and causing a roar of approval to sweep through the crowd. Rodney couldn't help a smug smile, and he was about to do it again when he glanced over at Dex, standing just inside the balcony doors. The colonel glowered at Rodney, a fierce, thunderous look, and Rodney immediately let go of Teyla's hand and stepped back a foot. Seeing the colonel's face smooth out, Rodney relaxed, feeling as if he'd just narrowly avoided some danger.
There was only so long they could stay on the balcony, but Rodney's arms felt like they were going to fall off before he waved his final wave and escorted the princess back inside.
There was really nothing more to do. Von Sheppheim was off at the university, collecting Rodney's things, and was expected back momentarily. Colonel Dex had taken it upon himself to escort Princess Teyla home. Rodney just wanted some solitude, and finally managed to convince Dex to leave, promising he would neither leave the room, nor let anyone in.
Finally alone, Rodney sat quietly for the first time all day. He'd done it! He never thought he'd be able to carry it off. He still wondered at himself. He didn't usually do stupid things, and this must have been one of the stupidest things any person could have done. He ought to see a psychiatrist when he got home. Obviously he'd slipped a cog. Probably some combination of jet lag, egotism, and susceptibility to John von Sheppheim's pretty face. But it was over. Soon John would come back and escort Rodney out of the country and back to his own life.
There. That knock on the door must be John. Why he didn't just come in Rodney didn't know, but maybe he needed some sort of permission, since Rodney was King.
"Come in," Rodney called, but the door remained closed and the knock came again. Maybe Dex had locked it when he left with Teyla.
With a sigh, Rodney got up and opened the door. It wasn't John, or even Colonel Dex. It was Black Kolya.
"Good evening, brother. I've come to deliver my congratulations." Kolya's smile showed entirely too many teeth.
Rodney glanced at the guardsmen standing at attention just outside his door. He had to let Kolya in. Anything else would raise their suspicions. Even now, they didn't look like they were listening, but Rodney was sure their elaborate helmets hid very sharp ears.
"Come in, then...um... brother." Rodney knew his facade was slipping badly. He was sure that Kolya knew about the whole charade, but until the prince revealed his knowledge, Rodney had to keep up the act, but he didn't have a script. He didn't know how to behave, and it rattled him badly.
Kolya brushed past him into the room, shutting the door behind him. Rodney was alone with him. They stared at each other, Kolya's smile growing even more toothy as Rodney started to sweat and glance around the room nervously. He had never been good at hiding his feelings, and right now he was scared and getting scareder. Where was the Colonel? Where was John? Oh, God, why didn't the prince just say something already?
Then Kolya did, and it sure didn't help.
"So, brother, you got yourself crowned King. Soon you'll marry the Princess. Some marriage that will be. How long do you think it will take you to get an heir by her? How many times are you willing to bed her to get a son? Do you think she'll be happy with you when she finds out that's the only reason you'll sleep with her? She's a beautiful woman, don't you think she deserves a husband who appreciates that? Eventually she'll figure it out, and then what? Will she keep your secret? And what about you? Are you going to be faithful? You're King now. You have to spend your time at home. No more traveling to meet companions you like better. And if you take a lover here at home, the word will get out." Kolya left now doubt about how the information would spread. "Can you disgrace the throne, your queen, the entire country like that? "
And suddenly Rodney wasn't frightened anymore; he was angry. Apparently he and King not only shared looks, but also both liked men. Now Kolya was threatening to expose the King in order force him to abdicate. Rodney never backed down from homophobic bullies in his real life, and he wasn't going to do it now.
"Oh, I doubt I'll disgrace anyone," Rodney said airily, camping just a little. “Every one knows royalty is nothing but prissy pantywaists, anyway. In fact, the more macho you are, the more people think you're hiding something.”
Kolya's eyes widened. Obviously he wasn't used to getting such a response when he goaded his brother. Rodney realized he might have blown the whole elaborate pretense with that one statement, and decided to go all out with the insults, figuring he'd get Kolya to ignore his “brother's” uncharacteristic behavior by making him angry.
"And at least my son will have a married mother, which is more than some can say."
That enraged Kolya, and he leapt at Rodney, pushing him up against the wall with the one arm pressed against his throat. "You obviously mean to make Princess Teyla a widow before she's a wife, don't you, brother? And just because I failed to get my point across this time doesn't mean I'll stop trying. You don't belong on the throne. You're a disgrace, and I'll make sure you don't get the chance to make this country a global laughingstock."
Rodney brought his hands up, scrabbling at Kolya's arm, trying to get air. He was beginning to see spots, and could feel himself slowing as oxygen to his brain stopped. Hell, he was probably losing ten IQ points every second Kolya held him there.
Suddenly he could breath again, and he inhaled in great gulps, bent at the waist, trying to replace the air he'd been missing. There was a flurry of movement, and Rodney heard John and Kolya spit angry words. Then he heard the door shut firmly, and there was a warm hand on his arm, and another slung across his shoulders.
John led him to the sofa, and gently pushed him to sitting. "I leave you alone for a minute, and see the trouble you get into?" he teased as he sat down close enough for Rodney to feel his body heat.
"I figured I haven't had enough excitement today."
"I could always use some excitement. You want to tell me what that was all about?"
"Just your standard bully making your standard threat." Rodney didn't know how deep in the closet the King was, and he didn't want to reveal secrets that weren't his. "Kolya wanted me...him...the King to abdicate, and got upset when I said no."
"That was pretty upset."
"I sort of insulted his mother."
"That'll do it. Are you all right now?"
Suddenly Rodney was very tired. "Yes, I'm all right. Are we done yet? I think I've exceeded my adventure quotient. I'd like to get back to my real life."
John patted Rodney reassuringly on the shoulder, the same as he had the unconscious king hours ago. Unthinking, Rodney leaned into the warmth of John's hand, the unexpected comfort causing a soft contented sigh.
Realization hit Rodney with a start, and he jerked back, staring wide-eyed at John. So much for discretion. But John was looking back at him with soft eyes and an off-center smile, and he didn't look away after a polite second.
Rodney always thought those romance novel clichés about time standing still were so much bull, but as he stared into John's hazel eyes, he wondered if he'd need to rethink the issue. He didn't know how much time passed in that dimly-lit palace room, but eventually the corner of John's smile tipped into a sardonic smirk and he gave Rodney's shoulder a squeeze and a shake, then let go.
“The...” John paused to clear his throat. “The colonel should be back any minute. As soon as he gets here we'll get you headed home."
After that the farewells were anticlimactic. Handshakes and thanks and “perhaps we'll meet again,” and really, how likely was that? Then Rodney was bundled into a coat and hustled out through a secret passage. He heard Dex tell von Sheppheim to keep everyone out at all costs, and when it dawned on him that the colonel really meant to the death, he almost protested, would have protested, but Dex left him no time, just hurried him down the dark stone stairway, out of the palace, and into a nondescript car.
Part 2
Pairings: Primarily McKay/Sheppard with bits of Weir/Kolya, Wier/Zelenka, and Dex/Teyla
Total word count: 30665
Overall Rating: NC-17; this part PG-13
Beta'd by the fabulous lamardeuse
Watch this movie. You'll see that David Niven's character has it bad for Ronald Colman's - complete with jealousy over Rassendyll's developing love for Flavia. Someone needed to do something with that. Also, who wouldn't want the opportunity to say Radek of Hentzau? Go ahead. Say it. See what I mean?
The Prisoner of Zenda
Part 1
Dramatis Personae:
(format stolen wholesale from Lamardeuse)
Character
Played by
Original Actor
Rudolf Rassendyll / King Rudolf V
Rodney McKay
Ronald Coleman
Princess Flavia
Teyla Emmagen
Madeleine Carroll
Black Michael
Acastus Kolya
Raymond Massey
Antoinette de Mauban
Elizabeth Weir
Mary Astor
Colonel Zapt
Ronon Dex
C. Aubrey Smith
Capt. Fritz von Tarlenheim
John Sheppard
David Niven
Rupert of Hentzau
Radek Zalenka
Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.
The line at customs was horrendous. Everyone in Europe was trying to get into the capital for the coronation. Rodney scrunched his shoulders and tried to avoid being pressed into the throng. Had these people never heard of queuing theory? One line for all five customs desks would be so much more efficient than one line for each official. And why did he have to get stuck behind the family of seven? Who travels with five kids? He'd have to watch his step. That many children were sure to leave some sort of gooey disgusting mess behind them.
"Finally!" Rodney muttered under his breath as he handed his documents to the official.
"Here for the coronation, sir?" the uniformed man asked politely, flipping through the passport, glancing perfunctorily at Rodney. Rodney thought it was a wonder the man could stand at all, what with the metallic braid dripping from his coat.
"God, no! I've got people to see at the university. I'm staying as far away from the pomp and circumstance as possible."
"Enjoy your stay, Mr. McKay." The official was noticeably cooler as he stamped the passport and returned Rodney's papers.
"That's Dr. McKay."
The man looked up at Rodney again. This time he did a quick double take, and ended up staring.
"Enjoy your stay, Dr. McKay," he repeated woodenly, getting the honorific right, at least.
"Yes, well, thank you." Rodney pocketed his passport as he walked away. He could feel the weight of the man's stare following him as he headed toward the rental car counter.
Of course there was a problem with his car. The girl at the counter was terribly apologetic, you have to understand, sir, with coronation and all the visitors, and so on and so on. She didn't even have an upgrade to offer him. They did have a motorcycle, if Rodney was interested...
"A motorcycle? Do you think for one second I'd risk my brain on a motorcycle?"
Well in that case, please accept our certificate for a free upgrade next time you rent from us, again with the so on.
"Like that's ever going to happen." Rodney didn't even bother to lower his voice, and the girl's smile was strained as she handed him back his useless reservation paper and pointed him to the rank of old-fashioned black cabs just visible outside the terminal. Rodney wasn't going to waste time with the three other car companies. If his confirmed reservation didn't get him a car in this crowd, nothing would.
As he turned to look for the cab stand, behind him he heard her whispering to the woman at the next counter. He thought she'd be muttering about his rudeness to her friend. It wouldn't be the first time, though it didn't say much about her professionalism that she didn't wait until he'd left. Instead of "jerk," though, the words he could make out were, "just like," "twins," and "without the beard."
Rodney could feel her staring at him, too. Was something wrong with his face? Admittedly his beard made him look a little scruffy. He hadn't had a chance to trim it up before leaving Canada, and he had just been on a plane for 14 hours. In the time it took him to shoulder his bag and head for the taxi stand, he forgot the whole thing, not noticing that both women were now watching gape-mouthed behind him.
The next day found Rodney bashing his way through the woods that surrounded the campus. It was that, or bash his way through the labs in the physics building. He'd emailed them he was coming, and yeah, they'd warned him that there weren't many people at the university right now because of the coronation, but there had to be someone who could show him the experimental setups he needed to see. Was it his fault that he had reached the point in his own work where he could go no further without replicating the setup they had here? Sure, he was brilliant, but he couldn't equip his lab for the experiments he needed to run without the materials list, and he couldn't get the materials list without visiting this one horse backwater institution.
Like most academics, these idiots kept tight rein on their intellectual children, and they never described the setup of their groundbreaking quantum electron work, not in a published paper, anyway. They were always willing to let other scientists copy the setup, but anyone not with the university had to visit and observe first hand what was needed and how to deploy it. They said it was for safety, and so they could be sure that other scientists had the understanding to get the experiments right, but Rodney knew it was because this was the only way these scientists, and he used the term loosely, would ever get anyone from outside their teeny little kingdom to acknowledge their existence. The quantum physics work done at this university was this country's Pinot Grand Fenwick, and they were determined to milk the cow as long as they could keep it alive.
The administrative assistant had promised him that Professor Whoevertheheck would be available the day after the coronation. She'd left a note on his desk, and he'd certainly see it when he got back to his office. The woman was shutting down her computer when she said it. Apparently everyone in the small country was crowding into the capital for tomorrow's ceremony, and they were all heading in today. The streets for the procession were probably already lined with lawn chairs and hand-lettered "reserved" signs, except where there were idiots wrapped in sleeping bags, risking hypothermia and ruining their backs by camping overnight on concrete, all for a five-minute glimpse at the outside of a horse-drawn carriage and a lot of marching men in medieval uniforms.
So, for two days, until the main ceremony was over, the campus was deserted but for Rodney. And since he had no car, no taxi to accommodate a ride to anywhere that wasn't the capital, and less than no desire to see some small-time sovereign crowned - Rodney was Canadian. He didn't need a king - it looked like he'd be cooling his heels until the mass-hysteria passed and people got back to the real world.
Rodney was grateful that he had the basics, so the time would pass. He had some journal articles to review, a whole lot of the local coinage, courtesy of the administrative assistant, and a room full of freshly-stocked vending machines in the basement of the 24-hour student union. His room at the guest house wasn't luxurious, but the water was hot and the linens were clean. He'd manage. Or rather, he'd manage if the irritation at being left cooling his heals didn't give him a stroke or a coronary.
That's why he was traipsing through the forest, muttering under his breath. He had to work off some steam, or he'd never survive the next couple of days.
A sharp sound made Rodney stop in his tracks and look around him in confusion. It was closely followed by another report, this one accompanied by a crack and a spray of bark. Reflexes he didn't know he had dropped Rodney to the ground with his arms flung over his head.
"Hey! Hiker here! Stop that!" he shouted. Shouldn't he have been warned about hunting season? Who hunted in June, anyway?
Whoever had been shooting must have heard him, because the rifle shots stopped and a voice hallooed from somewhere close. Rodney stood cautiously as a man strolled into sight from behind a small hillock.
"There you are! Sorry about that. Didn't expect anyone to be wandering around the preserve today. Folks are supposed to sign in at the gate, so we know when it's all right to hunt. Royal preserve and all." The young man looked accusingly at Rodney, as if it was his own fault for getting shot at, which was a point, yeah, but still.
"I wasn't trying to trespass. I thought I was still on university grounds."
"I thought they closed the university down for the coronation. I didn't know there was anyone there today."
"If there were anyone there, I wouldn't be here. I'm stuck waiting until after the st..er..coronation so I can get into the physics lab."
"Von Sheppheim! Who is this?"
Rodney started at the new voice. He turned and looked at the man who joined them. How could someone so big move so quietly? The man was obviously military, of the suspicious "are you a security threat?" sort. And big. Rodney wasn't going intimidated though. A man in his position deals with this type all the time. Maybe just not such big examples of this type.
"Colonel." The young man who'd been shooting at Rodney didn't exactly come to attention, but there was a slight suggestion of straighter in his slouch. So, military, too.
"Will you introduce us?" The Colonel was looking very closely at Rodney. His penetrating gaze was making Rodney very glad that he hadn't done anything worse than wander unknowingly onto the royal game preserve.
"Be happy to, but first I should introduce myself." This time the younger man did stand straight, bringing his heels together and bowing slightly in a courtly, old-fashioned way. "Captain John von Sheppheim, at your service."
Even Rodney couldn't be rude in the face of that sort of politeness, so he offered his hand. "Dr. Rodney McKay." The captain's grip was firm and his hand was warm, and why did Rodney notice this?
"And please let me introduce Colonel Ronon Dex of His Majesty's Personal Guard."
The big man also bowed, but did not offer his hand. Rodney was glad of that. The way the man was looking at him and frowning was beginning to make him very nervous.
"Rodney. Unusual name."
"It's a family name."
"In our country, too. The royal family." The colonel's face cleared. "Royal family! Shave him and he'd be the King!"
Now it was Rodney's turn to frown as he blurted out his gut response, "Oh, no! I have enough responsibility as it is, thank you."
"Who would be the King?" another man stepped into view from among the trees.
"Your Majesty!" both military men came to attention.
Rodney just stared. He'd thought it was an exaggeration, but looking at the King was like looking at a mirror. He recalled the family stories, so very irrelevant at the time, about wandering royalty, impressionable hotel waitresses, and the love of a McKay boy for a pretty girl in trouble. Obviously true.
"And who is this, this man who would be me?" He noticed the King staring back and shook off his paralysis. This was, after all, the King, and his usual brusque manner could get him in serious trouble.
"Dr. Rodney McKay, Your Majesty." The colonel answered, looking to Rodney for more details.
"Yes, well, I'm a physicist. Doing research at the university. Their..."
"...quantum electron lab. Yes, I know. Our contribution to the great discoveries of our time. Where are you from, and how did you end up as my doppelganger?" The king rubbed his own chin, as if picturing himself with a beard like Rodney's.
"I'm Canadian, your Majesty. From Ontario. As to the looks, I'm pretty sure your great-grandfather spent some time in Canada before he took the throne. My great-grandmother's oldest son, Rodney, was born three months early, and family history has it that she was a waitress in the hotel where your great-grandfather stayed in Ottawa."
"You don't mean to say that we're related? I believe it. Rodney the Second had a reputation as a wanderer in more ways than one." The king seemed amused by the idea. "A cousin! Wonderful! You must come have dinner with me at the hunting lodge tonight! Tomorrow the shackles are locked on, but tonight I am still a free man, and what better way to celebrate my last night of freedom than with family!"
It was all very strange, but Rodney didn't think he had any choice. He'd done his best to avoid all the craziness around the coronation, and now here he was, ordered to a command performance dinner with the King himself. The only king he'd ever wanted to meet was the King of Sweden, and then he'd only have to shake his hand as he accepted his Nobel. Now this...this...social torture.
Rodney knew his own abrasive personality. How on earth would he stay polite enough to avoid being thrown in prison for the rest of his life? At best, he'd be kicked out of the country and told never to return, and then what would happen to his research? But there was no escape. Rodney cursed the day he decided he needed the university's expertise.
Apparently Rodney's cooperation was assumed, because Colonel Dex turned and headed through the trees, followed by the King. When Rodney hesitated, Captain von Sheppheim took his elbow and turned him in the right direction. As he guided Rodney along, he leaned in close and whispered, "Thank God! I don't think I could take another all-night binge. Try and keep him distracted, would you? I'd be forever grateful."
Rodney shivered as the Captain's warm breath puffed past his ear. Lovely. Not the time for his fickle libido to react to another man. So not the time. But Rodney couldn't help missing the man's warmth as he dropped back to take the rear in the little procession. This whole trip was shaping into a first-order disaster.
~&~&~&~&~
The night was as bad as Rodney had feared.
The hunting lodge was a Bavarian nightmare. Every wall had at least one glassy-eyed animal head: sharp-toothed boars, deer with four-foot antler spans, even, to Rodney's horror, a snarling cat or two. They were greeted by a pair of huge shaggy hounds, leaping up and slobbering and making unearthly whining noises. A couple of sharp words from the King and the beasts lay down by the fireplace and resumed gnawing on what could only be whole cow leg bones. Rodney gulped as he imagined what dogs that size could do to his skeleton.
The food was tasty enough, Rodney supposed. There were some advantages to being royalty. He'd just never been a fan of game. And how many ways can a cook prepare cabbage? Rodney, usually blessed with a stomach of iron, was so tense that he had trouble eating the heavy food. Even the beautiful pastries served for dessert didn't tempt.
Unfortunately for Rodney, the King kept the wine flowing. Rodney tried to sip for the many toasts, instead of gulp, and he didn't match the King glass-for-glass, but it didn't take long for his head to spin. The king kept sending for more wine, and the servant, Joseph, kept refilling Rodney's glass, and pretty soon Rodney simply lost count.
The colonel didn't drink, but the captain kept pace with the King. Rodney wondered if this was the usual balance of duties for the military pair. Dex maintained his erect bearing and forbidding mien, but von Sheppheim seemed relaxed, and made an effort to converse with Rodney. He even managed to diffuse Rodney's completely legitimate anger when the King offered a toast that included a thinly veiled insult toward Rodney's great-grandmother. Rodney got the feeling that while the King saw him as a new foil for amusement, von Sheppheim was just grateful to be spared for once. Colonel Dex? He just disapproved.
Rodney hoped his dinner invitation included a bed, since he hadn't a chance of finding the university, much less the guest house in his impaired condition. With the next pause in the conversation, he glanced over at von Sheppheim to ask about it, and saw the young captain slumped sideways, mouth open, eyes closed, breathing deeply, obviously overcome by exhaustion and alcohol. Rodney looked blearily around to ask the colonel and found him gone.
The King didn't seem to notice either of his soldiers' retirement from the field, but did notice that both his and Rodney's glasses were empty.
All the bottles at the table were spent, and the King called for the servant, "Joseph, the '68!"
It must have been some special bottle. When it came it was cradled lovingly on a cushion in a basket. The servant poured reverently, first for the King, then for Rodney. The King lifted his glass to make a toast, but Rodney never found out to what. Before he could wrap his hand around his own glass, his head lolled sideways and he slipped unceremoniously into his own inebriated slumber. He wasn't awake to hear the King's toast, to see the King quaff down the entire glass, to watch the King's eyes widen in surprise, to hear the King's exclamation, "Oh, Kolya, what a thing to do to good wine!" Nor did Rodney see the King try to stand, only to crumple to the floor.
~&~&~&~&~
Rodney awoke to the cold shock of water in his face. Forcing his eyes open, he spotted Colonel Dex holding an empty ewer.
"You just..." Rodney sputtered. "What?" He waved his hands around spasmodically, indicating first his own dripping face and torso, then the pitcher in the big man's hands. "Why?"
Dex gestured with the pitcher to the King's still form.
Rodney went over and peered down at the King. "Huh." Rodney leaned over to take a closer look, and had to grab the back of a nearby chair when he was hit by a wave of dizziness. "Some night, " he said, running his hand through his hair. "What happened to him?"
"Joseph found him on the floor this morning." Von Sheppheim was still in his chair, his shirt half-open and his hair disheveled, but the joking peacemaker from the previous night was gone. The man now at the table was grimly alert and poised to move.
The colonel had a mostly-full wine bottle in his hand. "You didn't drink any of this last bottle, did you?"
"Not that I remember."
"You'd know." Dex said, sniffing the contents.
"Why? Was it drugged?" Rodney looked at the two officers in alarm. He could have been killed!
"It was," answered von Sheppheim.
"Shouldn't you call a doctor?" Rodney would have to be checked thoroughly himself. Maybe he had gotten some of the drugged wine.
"No doctors. Not now." Dex was adamant. "A hundred doctors couldn't help him, anyway. I know this stuff. He'll be out for seven or eight more hours."
"But how? Why? Who?" Rodney wasn't panicking. They were fair questions, given the situation.
"Who else but Kolya!"
"Who else!" von Sheppheim practically spat.
"Kolya?" Who was Kolya? Was that even a name? Rodney wondered who named their kid Kolya.
"The King's brother," Dex explained.
"Half-brother," von Sheppheim snorted. "Kolya's mother wasn't exactly acceptable in court circles."
Apparently none of these Royal Rodneys could keep it in their pants. McKay was just as glad he was only distantly related to the lot of them. "This is nuts. What is Kolya thinking?"
"He wants the throne to be offered to him by the people. He wants to pose as their savior from the excesses of an incompetent king." Von Sheppheim's disdain for the King's brother was plain. Rodney couldn't tell whether it was distaste for the man himself, or for his unfortunate birth. He hoped it was the former, because he really preferred to think that his own ancestry wouldn't matter to the rakish captain.
"If he's not crowned today, he'll never be crowned," Dex intoned, staring down at the king's body.
Then, to Rodney's horror, the big colonel turned and stared deliberately right at him.
"Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Are you out of your mind?!? That's a totally insane plan!" If Rodney hadn't been sitting down, he'd have been retreating. As it was, his hands were up in a gesture of pure denial. He turned pleading eyes to von Sheppheim, but there was no help there. "Totally insane," he repeated weakly.
"Shave the beard, and you'll fool your own brother."
"I'm a Canadian physicist. Yes, I'm a genius, and that means I'm smart enough to know my own limits. I couldn't pass as a king! I can just see it: crowded cathedral, hand on the bible, oath of office, then Kolya says 'That's not the King! It's a physicist from Canada!' No thanks."
"It's risk against certainty. If you don't do it, guaranteed the King ends up in prison for life. Or in his grave."
"Jesus! No pressure or anything." Rodney went silent, thinking about it. His stroked his chin and said almost absently, "I really liked this beard."
Von Sheppheim smiled, and even the dour colonel allowed his mouth to turn up at the corners.
McKay turned serious, "What happens if it doesn't work?"
Dex didn't sugarcoat his response, "Death for you, me, and von Sheppheim here. It will make no difference to him." He gestured at the unconscious king.
"King for a day." Rodney mused.
"Good man!"
Rodney turned to find von Sheppheim grinning at him, and realized that, risky as this was, he'd do even stupider things just to get that smile directed at him again.
Colonel Dex leaned down and slid the large ring off the King's finger and handed it to Rodney - the first step in transforming the scientist into a King.
Then the orders started. Dex sent Rodney with Joseph to get cleaned up and shaved. Apparently the servant would be in on the plan, though Rodney didn't think it very wise.
Captain von Sheppheim was tasked with carrying the King's limp body down into a room in the cellar, a room with a lock. He'd had a lot of experience helping his incapacitated Majesty. This wasn't much different. He laid him on a table and gently arranged his arms and legs so they wouldn't cramp. Lacking anything better, von Sheppheim folded his uniform jacket and placed it under the King's head.
"So, Sire, maybe not such a great plan. But he's a smart man, he'll do his best. You just rest here. It's only one day. Then everything will be back to normal."
The captain let his hand linger a moment on the King's shoulder, then left the room, locking the door behind him.
~&~&~&~&~
Meanwhile, in Kolya's apartment at the palace in Strelsau, the King's brother was putting the finishing touches on his grab for power. He sat at his desk, attended by a few nobles, and signed a freshly-penned document:
Proclamation in response to public demand, and taking cognizance of the lamentable public disorders occasioned by the unexplained non-appearance of His Majesty Rodney the Fifth at the solemnities of his coronation. Now therefore I, Kolya, Duke of Zenda, do hereby assume Regency of this Kingdom and ordain and proclaim a state of martial law.
"There. Detchard, take this and be ready. When Rodney fails to show up to his own coronation, the people will beg me to rule."
The man bowed and took the signed scroll, leaving Kolya in the company of his mistress Elizabeth.
Elizabeth watched the proceedings with worry. Her position with Kolya was tenuous at best. If he became Regent, he would have no more use for her. She had no illusions about her fate.
Kolya seemed to sense her unease, but when he grasped her in his arms, it was not to reassure.
"Concerned, my dear?" His smile was half-sneer, half-leer. "You needn't be. I'm not through with you yet. As Regent I'll be free to offer my services to the Princess. Teyla will certainly be happy to turn to her older, more experienced cousin for advice and comfort. But there will be things I want that I can't ask from a Princess of the Blood. And you'll be there, as usual, to give them to me." He pulled her in closer and buried one hand in her hair as he kissed her roughly, forcing her mouth open and invading it with his tongue.
Kolya used the hand in Elizabeth's hair to bend her head. He abandoned her swollen lips for the long line of her exposed throat, nipping her painfully at the point where her pulse fluttered frantically. Elizabeth tried not to struggle - she knew from experience that only made him mistreat her more - but it hurt, and she could not help pushing at him, trying to get away.
Kolya lifted his head and looked her in the eye, grinning fiercely. It was always like this. The prince would be frustrated or tense, and he'd take it out on Elizabeth. She repressed a shudder as Kolya bent again to her neck, gripping her hair even more tightly and using his other hand to start on the buttons of her bodice.
A knock at the door interrupted them.
"Yes?" Kolya's growl alone would frighten away all but the most important business.
"It's Hentzau," came the answer.
"Later, my dear." Kolya said softly, and gave Elizabeth one last kiss before pushing her away and straightening his uniform. By the time he called, "Enter," they were on opposite sides of the room.
Elizabeth was at the window, facing away from the room, so that none who entered could see the despair and relief on her face, when Radek of Hentzau came in. Radek, Kolya's right hand man, was from a family that had long ago lost all but its title. Radek was determined to win back land and fortune. There weren't many ways to do that, and fewer ways to do it quickly. So, as a pragmatist, he'd attached himself to Prince Kolya. He knew it was risky to side with a usurper, but if Black Kolya's plans worked, Hentzau would again be among the kingdom's foremost families.
"It is done, and well, if I say so myself." Radek smiled as he helped himself to a large brandy from the sideboard.
“That remains to be seen. Let's get going. They're gathering for the coronation.”
“Why should we go to the cathedral when the King won't even be there to be crowned?” Radek had better things to do than waste his time waiting for something that wouldn't happen. Also, he was not interested in being associated with Kolya too publicly. A man in his position needed to maintain his flexibility.
“Do you want to make it obvious we knew he wouldn't be coming? We must be there.”
“No, Kolya.” Radek made it a point to address the Prince by name when they were in private. “You must be there. I must have a glass of brandy to celebrate success. I follow when I have finished.”
“Pah! Do as you like. Just be there by the scheduled time. I will need your eyes to see who objects most to my regency.”
Radek raised his glass in salute as Prince Kolya left the room.
When he was sure the prince had gone, Radek moved in closer to Elizabeth, crowding into her personal space. "And what will you do when Kolya is Regent, hmm?" Radek kept his voice low and intimate, even though they were alone.
Elizabeth stood her ground. "I do as I've always done. My loyalty is not in question."
Radek lifted an eyebrow to acknowledge her sally. "You know he will not marry you."
Elizabeth knew that Kolya would never marry her, regency or no regency. She was a convenience to him, and he enjoyed the power he had over her, but that was all. It would have made her happy to be set free, but Kolya wouldn't merely turn her away, he'd make sure she never became an inconvenience. She had no illusions, she would not survive the first month of Kolya's regency. Elizabeth knew too much about Kolya's planning, and he could very easily find another playtoy to take her place.
Dallying with Radek wouldn't help her, though. His sympathy was as false as Kolya's reassurances. If Kolya ever thought she returned Radek's interest, she'd be the one punished. Kolya was possessive, and Hentzau was still useful.
"I thought I heard His Highness order you to your place in the cathedral."
"And now you put me in my place. You know, you don't need to defend yourself against me. I'm on your side. I think Kolya treats you very badly." Radek moved even closer, his voice lower, "I know he has some hold on you." Radek reached out and gently touched the bruise on her throat, "It is the only way he could keep a woman like you."
"That's none of your concern." Elizabeth used her coldest tone. She would not be coaxed into revealing her secret. Too much rode on her silence.
Even more gently, Radek said, "Tell me. I will help you get free. You know I can get past Kolya. You've seen me do it."
Elizabeth didn't answer. She could almost believe the look of concern in Radek's eyes. She had seen Radek outwit Kolya more than once. But it was too dangerous, and not only for her. She would not make any attempt to get free of Kolya while he held all the cards. Instead of replying, she swept past Radek and out the door.
Radek watched her go with a half-smile. Tossing back the remainder of his brandy, he turned to follow. He caught sight of himself in a hanging mirror, and his smile grew broader as he took in his own trim image. He did look good in uniform! Taking his military cap from under his arm, he put it on his head at a jaunty angle and gave it a little tap to settle it. He may be lackey to a powerless prince at the moment, but he would not always be. Kolya's star was ascending, and with it Radek's.
On that happy thought Radek of Hentzau left for the coronation, and the next step in his rise to power.
~&~&~&~&~
At the King's hunting lodge, Captain von Sheppheim was working on turning a newly-shaved physicist into a king. In two hours.
"Look. All you have to do is sneer."
"How's this?" Rodney gave the captain his 'I'm surrounded by idiots' special.
"That's good. That's great. Now move a little bigger."
"Move bigger. What's that supposed to mean?" Rodney fingered the stiff collar of the ceremonial uniform for the fiftieth time. "I can barely move at all in this getup. Move bigger. Humf," he snorted.
Von Sheppheim slapped his hand away, "Stop that! Remember you've worn the uniform your whole life. Act like it."
"His whole life? Really? That explains the sneer." Rodney visibly stopped himself from scratching under the collar again. He tried to move 'bigger,' interpreting it as a combination of stiffness and broad gestures.
"Nah, the sneer comes naturally. The stick-up-the-ass walk - that's from the uniform." the captain's eyes crinkled at the corners as his lips quirked, and Rodney added that to the list of expressions he wanted to see again. Which reminded him of how unlikely it was that he'd ever get the chance.
Even if they survived this, he'd be leaving the country right away, and not coming back until his beard grew. He could probably wangle some sort of special consideration to get him into the university physics department whenever he wanted - maybe work the related to the King angle - but he'd never see John von Sheppheim again. What reason would there be? Rodney's shoulders slumped at that realization, as much as with the thought that his lack of acting skills would probably get them all killed anyway, so moot didn't even begin to describe it.
"Look, Captain von Sheppheim..."
"John."
Rodney looked at the young officer.
"The King calls me John. You should, too."
"OK. John. Look... I'm pretty sure I can't do this. It's not too late to stop. We can take a pass and save a few lives, one of which, need I mention, is mine, but yours and Dex's too."
"But not His Majesty's."
"Exactly my point. I won't be saving his life, either, if I screw up. And chances of that are... well... pretty good."
"You won't screw up, McKay. Just learn your lines, keep your head down, and don't talk unless it's absolutely necessary. It's no secret that the King isn't thrilled with the coronation. No one will notice little screw-ups. They'll just think you're hung over."
"Yeah, OK, but maybe, if he's that incompetent, it would be better that this other guy, Kolya, did take over."
"No! You don't know what you're saying. Rodney V might not be the best king we've ever had, but Kolya makes him look like Queen Victoria. The King's half brother is competent, all right, but he's evil. We managed to keep this country from falling into the hands of the USSR and the Third Reich. We're not going to let a home-grown dictator drag us under!" The man next to Rodney looked every bit the officer now.
"OK, OK. You're a patriot. But I still think it's not in my best interests to do this."
"Think of it as doing the right thing. Think of it as an adventure. If it helps, think of it as saving a man's life."
"Huh. I'd expect your Colonel Dex to use those arguments. He's the conscience, right? With him it's one of those long line of loyal retainer things, isn't it? Gives him special dispensation to look disapproving when the King does something stupid?"
John nodded, eyes crinkling again. Rodney loved that smile.
"So, what are you? You're kinda skinny to be a bodyguard, and kinda young to be head of the spy network. So you're what? some sort of paid companion and babysitter? The royal drinking buddy? What?"
John lost the smile again, and this time Rodney could tell it wasn't coming back. "Friend. I'm his friend." He turned back to the rack of coronation robes and grabbed the heavy velvet cape, "Finish dressing, will you? And let's hear the oath again."
~&~&~&~&~
The drive into Strelsau was too short. Colonel Dex drilled Rodney mercilessly, taking him through the steps in the coronation, the oath he'd have to swear, and the people he'd absolutely have to recognize and talk to.
"My fiancée? The King's engaged? I have to fool the King's fiancée?"
"Don't worry about it. They've never spent a lot of time together, and they haven't seen each other in over two years. They don't even like each other."
"And yet they're getting married?"
"Marriage of state. She's his cousin. It keeps the throne in the family."
"Haven't you people heard of inbreeding? His cousin?"
"Second cousin. And if Rodney's reign is successful, it will be due to Teyla. She inherited all the leadership qualities that missed Rodney. He'd be wise to take her advice in all matters, and with luck, their children will inherit her skills."
Rodney stared at Colonel Dex. This was the longest sentence he'd heard from the taciturn man. Rodney watched the colonel stare out the car window with the air of a man who was not seeing the scenery.
The arrival at the cathedral was noisy and colorful. The crowds lining the streets started cheering the minute the car came into view, and the cheers got louder as Rodney stepped out of the car. It was only Colonel Dex at his side and John right behind him that kept him from retreating back into the dubious safety of the car as the wave of sound assaulted him. John had apparently forgiven him for earlier, because he squeezed Rodney's elbow encouragingly under cover of the voluminous cloak before making his way to his own place in the cathedral. Dex stayed with him, and poked him surreptitiously in the back to get him moving up the steps.
~&~&~&~&~
Inside the building, Kolya and Radek were waiting for the King to not arrive. Detchard was in place, ready to present the declaration of regency as soon as it became obvious that Rodney had failed the country. A grim smile played briefly on Kolya's face. His plans were about to become reality - he would soon be the most powerful man in the country.
Kolya turned to Radek to share his satisfaction, and it was good for him that he did. At that moment the trumpets sounded the arrival of the King, and Kolya could not hide his shock. Leaning toward Radek, he whispered urgently, “You said you took care of things!”
“I did! This morning at dawn His Majesty was out for the day.”
“Then something happened, because his Majesty is up now. What happened?”
“How should I know?”
“If Detchard shows anyone that letter now, it's the end of everything.”
“Perhaps.” Radek's studied nonchalance was designed to irritate.
"It's your neck as well as mine, Hentzau. Go back to the hunting lodge and find out what went wrong."
When the prince finally did turn around, his face was schooled to the solemnity of the occasion.
As Radek slipped out of the crowded cathedral he caught von Sheppheim's eye, and the captain smirked. Clearly, Kolya's plot had both failed and been discovered. It was time for Radek to make his own plans.
~&~&~&~&~
The coronation was a blur to Rodney. From the moment he stepped through the door of the cathedral he could do nothing but concentrate on getting it right. He almost found himself counting, like he used to in that ballroom dance class he took while an undergrad - it fulfilled an unavoidable PhysEd requirement, and he mistakenly thought that learning to dance would help him get dates.
A few impressions stayed with him. As Rodney approached the throne at the front of the vast room his eye was drawn to a figure in stark black. He realized that this must be Black Kolya, the man responsible for this whole farce, and his breath caught. The man inspected him very closely as he approached, and Rodney was sure that his cover would be blown. But instead of speaking out, the man's sneer turned into a particularly unpleasant smile, and Rodney couldn't suppress a shiver as he took the offered arm for the final few steps to the throne. The man was plotting, and the man was evil. Rodney was so busted.
But Kolya didn't say a word. Not then, not when the cardinal opened the floor to objections, not when Rodney almost stumbled over the words of the oath, not when the crown was placed on Rodney's head. Rodney was sure Kolya had him pegged as an impostor, he knew Kolya was planning something, but Rodney had a part, and he had to play it, and his concentration had to be on the ceremony, so he couldn't afford to think about Kolya or his plans.
The other part of the coronation that was clear was Princess Teyla. Rodney didn't think he'd ever seen a woman as striking. It wasn't just her looks, though she was pretty much a perfect specimen. A little short, and not blonde, but she had a serene elegance going that was definitely wow.
When she knelt in front of him and swore fealty, he felt like it was entirely backwards. He was the one who should be offering her his services, not the other way around. He felt like smacking his royal look-alike and asking him what the hell he was thinking playing drunken fool with his country while this woman was obviously so much more fit to rule. Rodney didn't consider himself any kind of feminist, but he hated waste, and to limit this woman to opening hospital wings and speaking at luncheons was a waste of criminal proportions.
Teyla rose, and paused, waiting. Rodney knew he was supposed to acknowledge her oath somehow, but a regal nod didn't seem right. He looked to Colonel Dex, standing just behind the throne, for advice. "Do I kiss her?" he whispered.
The colonel got the strangest look, just for a second, then nodded.
So Rodney stood, gingerly took the princess in his arms, and kissed her, first one cheek, then the other. As he drew back, he smiled at her tentatively. This was his final hurdle. If she accepted that he was the King, then he'd succeeded in his part.
The Princess Teyla must have found his apparent shyness charming, because her polite smile turned warmer as they stood together.
As it did so, a faint but clear murmur of approval swept through the crowd in the cathedral, and Rodney could feel his cheeks warm. What did he expect? Any country that still had a king these days had to have a romantic streak a mile wide.
~&~&~&~&~
From his place among the officers, John von Sheppheim watched the coronation of the ersatz Rodney V. It was obvious that something happened when McKay and Kolya met. Something nonverbal passed between them. The captain was sure that the game was up, and he swallowed as he felt the noose settle around his neck. But there was no revelation, no accusation, and, with John prompting him sub-vocally from across the room, McKay even got the oath right.
John watched, too, as McKay was poleaxed by Princess Teyla. He'd seen her have that effect on men before, but he didn't think McKay was the sort to let any woman get to him. John was surprised. His instincts had told him that McKay had shared more than looks with the King, but watching the scientist's reaction to the princess made him wonder if he'd gotten that wrong. Not that it mattered, except to John, who thought himself pretty good at recognizing when someone was interested in him. He felt a little twist of disappointment as he watched how Rodney's sweetly fumbling kisses made both McKay and the princess blush slightly. It would all be over soon. McKay would leave, Teyla would marry Rodney V, and the King would be a dutiful husband - in public.
~&~&~&~&~
Rodney realized that his ordeal wasn't over when he saw the ornate horse-drawn carriage that would take him through the streets of the capital to the palace. He and Teyla sat uncomfortably erect the entire ride, smiles plastered on their faces, hands raised to wave at the cheering crowds. At least, Rodney was uncomfortable. Teyla looked as regal as ever, making Rodney feel even more the impostor. Thank goodness the noise level was too high for them to be expected to carry on a conversation. Rodney was nearing the end of his ability to fake a regal air, and he was sure that he'd slip with every word he uttered.
When they reached the palace, there was even more smiling and waving, this time from the balcony. Rodney actually had a moment of pride on that balcony. He took Teyla's hand, bowed over it, and kissed it, bringing another true smile to her lips, and causing a roar of approval to sweep through the crowd. Rodney couldn't help a smug smile, and he was about to do it again when he glanced over at Dex, standing just inside the balcony doors. The colonel glowered at Rodney, a fierce, thunderous look, and Rodney immediately let go of Teyla's hand and stepped back a foot. Seeing the colonel's face smooth out, Rodney relaxed, feeling as if he'd just narrowly avoided some danger.
There was only so long they could stay on the balcony, but Rodney's arms felt like they were going to fall off before he waved his final wave and escorted the princess back inside.
There was really nothing more to do. Von Sheppheim was off at the university, collecting Rodney's things, and was expected back momentarily. Colonel Dex had taken it upon himself to escort Princess Teyla home. Rodney just wanted some solitude, and finally managed to convince Dex to leave, promising he would neither leave the room, nor let anyone in.
Finally alone, Rodney sat quietly for the first time all day. He'd done it! He never thought he'd be able to carry it off. He still wondered at himself. He didn't usually do stupid things, and this must have been one of the stupidest things any person could have done. He ought to see a psychiatrist when he got home. Obviously he'd slipped a cog. Probably some combination of jet lag, egotism, and susceptibility to John von Sheppheim's pretty face. But it was over. Soon John would come back and escort Rodney out of the country and back to his own life.
There. That knock on the door must be John. Why he didn't just come in Rodney didn't know, but maybe he needed some sort of permission, since Rodney was King.
"Come in," Rodney called, but the door remained closed and the knock came again. Maybe Dex had locked it when he left with Teyla.
With a sigh, Rodney got up and opened the door. It wasn't John, or even Colonel Dex. It was Black Kolya.
"Good evening, brother. I've come to deliver my congratulations." Kolya's smile showed entirely too many teeth.
Rodney glanced at the guardsmen standing at attention just outside his door. He had to let Kolya in. Anything else would raise their suspicions. Even now, they didn't look like they were listening, but Rodney was sure their elaborate helmets hid very sharp ears.
"Come in, then...um... brother." Rodney knew his facade was slipping badly. He was sure that Kolya knew about the whole charade, but until the prince revealed his knowledge, Rodney had to keep up the act, but he didn't have a script. He didn't know how to behave, and it rattled him badly.
Kolya brushed past him into the room, shutting the door behind him. Rodney was alone with him. They stared at each other, Kolya's smile growing even more toothy as Rodney started to sweat and glance around the room nervously. He had never been good at hiding his feelings, and right now he was scared and getting scareder. Where was the Colonel? Where was John? Oh, God, why didn't the prince just say something already?
Then Kolya did, and it sure didn't help.
"So, brother, you got yourself crowned King. Soon you'll marry the Princess. Some marriage that will be. How long do you think it will take you to get an heir by her? How many times are you willing to bed her to get a son? Do you think she'll be happy with you when she finds out that's the only reason you'll sleep with her? She's a beautiful woman, don't you think she deserves a husband who appreciates that? Eventually she'll figure it out, and then what? Will she keep your secret? And what about you? Are you going to be faithful? You're King now. You have to spend your time at home. No more traveling to meet companions you like better. And if you take a lover here at home, the word will get out." Kolya left now doubt about how the information would spread. "Can you disgrace the throne, your queen, the entire country like that? "
And suddenly Rodney wasn't frightened anymore; he was angry. Apparently he and King not only shared looks, but also both liked men. Now Kolya was threatening to expose the King in order force him to abdicate. Rodney never backed down from homophobic bullies in his real life, and he wasn't going to do it now.
"Oh, I doubt I'll disgrace anyone," Rodney said airily, camping just a little. “Every one knows royalty is nothing but prissy pantywaists, anyway. In fact, the more macho you are, the more people think you're hiding something.”
Kolya's eyes widened. Obviously he wasn't used to getting such a response when he goaded his brother. Rodney realized he might have blown the whole elaborate pretense with that one statement, and decided to go all out with the insults, figuring he'd get Kolya to ignore his “brother's” uncharacteristic behavior by making him angry.
"And at least my son will have a married mother, which is more than some can say."
That enraged Kolya, and he leapt at Rodney, pushing him up against the wall with the one arm pressed against his throat. "You obviously mean to make Princess Teyla a widow before she's a wife, don't you, brother? And just because I failed to get my point across this time doesn't mean I'll stop trying. You don't belong on the throne. You're a disgrace, and I'll make sure you don't get the chance to make this country a global laughingstock."
Rodney brought his hands up, scrabbling at Kolya's arm, trying to get air. He was beginning to see spots, and could feel himself slowing as oxygen to his brain stopped. Hell, he was probably losing ten IQ points every second Kolya held him there.
Suddenly he could breath again, and he inhaled in great gulps, bent at the waist, trying to replace the air he'd been missing. There was a flurry of movement, and Rodney heard John and Kolya spit angry words. Then he heard the door shut firmly, and there was a warm hand on his arm, and another slung across his shoulders.
John led him to the sofa, and gently pushed him to sitting. "I leave you alone for a minute, and see the trouble you get into?" he teased as he sat down close enough for Rodney to feel his body heat.
"I figured I haven't had enough excitement today."
"I could always use some excitement. You want to tell me what that was all about?"
"Just your standard bully making your standard threat." Rodney didn't know how deep in the closet the King was, and he didn't want to reveal secrets that weren't his. "Kolya wanted me...him...the King to abdicate, and got upset when I said no."
"That was pretty upset."
"I sort of insulted his mother."
"That'll do it. Are you all right now?"
Suddenly Rodney was very tired. "Yes, I'm all right. Are we done yet? I think I've exceeded my adventure quotient. I'd like to get back to my real life."
John patted Rodney reassuringly on the shoulder, the same as he had the unconscious king hours ago. Unthinking, Rodney leaned into the warmth of John's hand, the unexpected comfort causing a soft contented sigh.
Realization hit Rodney with a start, and he jerked back, staring wide-eyed at John. So much for discretion. But John was looking back at him with soft eyes and an off-center smile, and he didn't look away after a polite second.
Rodney always thought those romance novel clichés about time standing still were so much bull, but as he stared into John's hazel eyes, he wondered if he'd need to rethink the issue. He didn't know how much time passed in that dimly-lit palace room, but eventually the corner of John's smile tipped into a sardonic smirk and he gave Rodney's shoulder a squeeze and a shake, then let go.
“The...” John paused to clear his throat. “The colonel should be back any minute. As soon as he gets here we'll get you headed home."
After that the farewells were anticlimactic. Handshakes and thanks and “perhaps we'll meet again,” and really, how likely was that? Then Rodney was bundled into a coat and hustled out through a secret passage. He heard Dex tell von Sheppheim to keep everyone out at all costs, and when it dawned on him that the colonel really meant to the death, he almost protested, would have protested, but Dex left him no time, just hurried him down the dark stone stairway, out of the palace, and into a nondescript car.
Part 2