Some Vague Revelation
I've been thinking alot about love. I realize I've never seen it. Most of you know I've never been in love, but I realized I've never even been around someone where I believed I saw them truly loving someone. Then I thought about it. I don't really think I've ever seen someone really feel something for anyone before. Maybe all this while I've been so confused as to why feeling some emotion for another human, for me, has been impossible; that I just should've realized that for everyone it's impossible. It's illogical, really. You feel emotion. You can feel happy or sad or annoyed when someone comes around, but how is that a feeling toward someone? How can that possibly be love?
I ranted at Ami about this but I have to say it again.
We need to feel needed. We need attention and affirmation. You meet someone and the beginning is magical. Why is that? Because you found someone who you probably didn't think would be interested in you or find you attractive, and they did. You mutually think each other has an interesting personality and is easy on the eyes, so you slowly and awkwardly make it known to one another. It's really quite simple and beautiful. You feel wanted, justified that the image you present and the personality you've worked on is actually being acknowledged by someone. To me, that explains any emotion you feel at the beginning and can be labeled simply, happiness. Then you get to know them. If they break up with you and you feel sad, is it really because they aren't around anymore and you loved them? Or because you were rejected. How many times have you seen two people supposedly in love, one breaks up with the other. The one rejected is the only one upset about it. Or if on the off chance it's somewhat mutual. You feel some twang of regret because you are losing a friend, not because this love you felt is dying. But let's say you make it. A year passes by and you are still with the person. It seems to me that you just get used to them. This summer I hung out with Matt everyday randomly for about a week at the beginning. We slowly developed this routine wehre we would call each other everyday somehow and just end up hanging out. This lasted the entire summer. Everyday. I got used to seeing him, so that's what I did. Yes I enjoyed his company, but he isn't the only one in the world who's company I can enjoy. Nor do I feel like we were meant to be friends forever. Now we are both at our respective colleges. I miss seeing him, but I see people all the time. I even recognize there is a slight feeling of "I wonder if he misses seeing me," that creeps in and makes me wish we could hang out even more. If you think about it, I promise you'll figure out everything about love from this example and how it doesn't exist. With relationships it's just three fold. And usually there is a weak one and a strong one. The weak one feels constantly blessed because the strong one is doing them the favor of dating them, and that leads to lack of confidence and constant relationship games. Which then leads the strong person to leave them, and the weak person feels hurt because that person is then built up so heavily in their mind, so much so that the reassurance it gave them is hurt even worse by their departure. I'm not saying I give up on relationships. On the contrary I think all this is beautiful, and now that I've been able to see it I just want to participate in it again. Once you see something for what it is you can fix the problems you had while in it. If you read this and think I'm just trying to sound intelligent, whatever, think it. If you read it and think you are the weak person in your relationship, constantly prodding the other and wondering how they feel about you, stop. They are with you, they like you. If they don't, fuck em. You are you and you are fine without them. If you test someone all the time they'll see you as weak, and you'll become that weak person, and you'll be abandoned. If you are the strong one and someone is constantly testing you for your affection and attention, give it to them. YOu have to be responsible, if you are made happier by their existance, then make them happy as best you can, and fuck, help them work on their damn confidence.
I ranted at Ami about this but I have to say it again.
We need to feel needed. We need attention and affirmation. You meet someone and the beginning is magical. Why is that? Because you found someone who you probably didn't think would be interested in you or find you attractive, and they did. You mutually think each other has an interesting personality and is easy on the eyes, so you slowly and awkwardly make it known to one another. It's really quite simple and beautiful. You feel wanted, justified that the image you present and the personality you've worked on is actually being acknowledged by someone. To me, that explains any emotion you feel at the beginning and can be labeled simply, happiness. Then you get to know them. If they break up with you and you feel sad, is it really because they aren't around anymore and you loved them? Or because you were rejected. How many times have you seen two people supposedly in love, one breaks up with the other. The one rejected is the only one upset about it. Or if on the off chance it's somewhat mutual. You feel some twang of regret because you are losing a friend, not because this love you felt is dying. But let's say you make it. A year passes by and you are still with the person. It seems to me that you just get used to them. This summer I hung out with Matt everyday randomly for about a week at the beginning. We slowly developed this routine wehre we would call each other everyday somehow and just end up hanging out. This lasted the entire summer. Everyday. I got used to seeing him, so that's what I did. Yes I enjoyed his company, but he isn't the only one in the world who's company I can enjoy. Nor do I feel like we were meant to be friends forever. Now we are both at our respective colleges. I miss seeing him, but I see people all the time. I even recognize there is a slight feeling of "I wonder if he misses seeing me," that creeps in and makes me wish we could hang out even more. If you think about it, I promise you'll figure out everything about love from this example and how it doesn't exist. With relationships it's just three fold. And usually there is a weak one and a strong one. The weak one feels constantly blessed because the strong one is doing them the favor of dating them, and that leads to lack of confidence and constant relationship games. Which then leads the strong person to leave them, and the weak person feels hurt because that person is then built up so heavily in their mind, so much so that the reassurance it gave them is hurt even worse by their departure. I'm not saying I give up on relationships. On the contrary I think all this is beautiful, and now that I've been able to see it I just want to participate in it again. Once you see something for what it is you can fix the problems you had while in it. If you read this and think I'm just trying to sound intelligent, whatever, think it. If you read it and think you are the weak person in your relationship, constantly prodding the other and wondering how they feel about you, stop. They are with you, they like you. If they don't, fuck em. You are you and you are fine without them. If you test someone all the time they'll see you as weak, and you'll become that weak person, and you'll be abandoned. If you are the strong one and someone is constantly testing you for your affection and attention, give it to them. YOu have to be responsible, if you are made happier by their existance, then make them happy as best you can, and fuck, help them work on their damn confidence.