I'm so tired
I'm so tired of life throwing shit at me. Every time I overcome a problem, it seems like life throws another one at me. It's so hard to keep on going after it all. I often wonder what it would be like to just be able to go through life getting what you want when you want it. People say it "builds character." I say that's bullshit, if hardship build character, i'd have a buttload of character. But i don't i have no drive to do anything. I just keep pushing through it all because i have to or i'll die inside... again. Every day i feel like i'm regressing back to the old super beyond emo Nick. Yeah thats right, you all thought i was emo before, but that's nothing compared to me in high school.
The thing is, i'm doing this to myself. I know i am, but i have no idea how to stop it. This is by no means a request for advice, or anything. I'm just here trying to sort shit out in my head. I'm tired, that's the only way i can explain it. I worry so much that i can't sleep anymore. I have cut back to like 12 meals a week. And half the time i have to force myself to eat at that. So, i'm physically and emotionally exhausted all the time. My school work has been slipping, and i can't bring myself to care about that.
I've become a horrible friend over the last couple years. All i do is bitch and complain to them about how horrible my life is. I know i do this because nearly all of them have told me to stop coming to them with my problems. So i kinda shut them out too. I do this, i know i do this, and i don't know what to do about it. I've never been one to have a ton of friends, and now i know why. Because people can't stand to be around me. I'm an asshole. Everything that pours out of my mouth is an insult or a belittling remark. The flip side of that is that i can't be happy without someone else there to make happy.
Thats why when i find someone who i can pick on and who picks on me back i throw myself in that friendship. Stephani and Nicole are both like that, it's wierd to know after talking to someone for an hour that they are going to be your best friend. When i find my best friend i invest everything in them. I abandon my old friends. And then when my best friend is gone, i'm left floundering feeling like half a man with no one to turn to. It's not healthy.
Originally i was gonna post here to bitch about the next exciting installment of the ass that is my life. I've thought about it, but and it doesn't really seem that important anymore. Sure if i don't overcome this, all the plans i've made for the last month and a half will fall apart. Hell i might not even be able to come back to school next semester. But right now i'm too tired to care anymore. Whatever happens happens. To all the friends i've disappointed over the years, i'm truly sorry.
The thing is, i'm doing this to myself. I know i am, but i have no idea how to stop it. This is by no means a request for advice, or anything. I'm just here trying to sort shit out in my head. I'm tired, that's the only way i can explain it. I worry so much that i can't sleep anymore. I have cut back to like 12 meals a week. And half the time i have to force myself to eat at that. So, i'm physically and emotionally exhausted all the time. My school work has been slipping, and i can't bring myself to care about that.
I've become a horrible friend over the last couple years. All i do is bitch and complain to them about how horrible my life is. I know i do this because nearly all of them have told me to stop coming to them with my problems. So i kinda shut them out too. I do this, i know i do this, and i don't know what to do about it. I've never been one to have a ton of friends, and now i know why. Because people can't stand to be around me. I'm an asshole. Everything that pours out of my mouth is an insult or a belittling remark. The flip side of that is that i can't be happy without someone else there to make happy.
Thats why when i find someone who i can pick on and who picks on me back i throw myself in that friendship. Stephani and Nicole are both like that, it's wierd to know after talking to someone for an hour that they are going to be your best friend. When i find my best friend i invest everything in them. I abandon my old friends. And then when my best friend is gone, i'm left floundering feeling like half a man with no one to turn to. It's not healthy.
Originally i was gonna post here to bitch about the next exciting installment of the ass that is my life. I've thought about it, but and it doesn't really seem that important anymore. Sure if i don't overcome this, all the plans i've made for the last month and a half will fall apart. Hell i might not even be able to come back to school next semester. But right now i'm too tired to care anymore. Whatever happens happens. To all the friends i've disappointed over the years, i'm truly sorry.